Castle's partner

Anniversary

I wake up and Ryan isn't there. I walk to the kitchen, my hair a mess.
He's on the phone.
"Got it be there in twenty."
He hangs up and sees me.
"Let's go! Chop chop there's a body!"
I smirk. "Yay."

We arrive at the crime scene twenty two minutes later, and everyone else is already there. Lanie is giving her report.
"COD was blunt force trauma to the back of the head. Died between 1 and 2 this morning, June 10th."
My face falls.
"Lanie, did you just say June 10th?"
I ask avoiding everyone's gaze.
"Yeah, why?"
"I..." I trail off, staring at the body.
Someone puts a hand on my shoulder, and I jump.
Espositos concerned face is looking down at me.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing," I reply shakily.
"Come here."
He takes my hand and drags me away. He gently pushes me onto a bench and sits next to me.
He puts his arm around me, and I put my arms around his chest.
"What's today to you?" He asks carefully.
I close my eyes, not wanting to answer.
"Ross?"
"No, don't make me."
"You need to tell me, please?"
His face is pleading.
My heartbeat quickens against my ribcage. Epso feels it, and tightens his grip. I bury my face in his shoulder.

"Its three years. My mom died three years ago."
There is a slight pause.
"Oh my God. I'm-I didn't know."
I know he didn't know. I didn't want him to, didn't want anyone to.
He starts stroking my hair.
"You ok chica?"
No. "Yeah I'm ok. Let's go back I want to take my mind off of this."
I stand up, but Espo holds onto me.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?"
"Yeah."
He takes my hand and together we walk back.
"Is everything ok?" Asks Beckett.
I look at Espo because I don't want to tell anyone else, it was hard enough telling him.
He understands what I want him do, and quickly tells everyone what I told him.
They all look at me with sympathetic faces.
"Ross I have to deal with this every year, if you need to talk, I'm here."
"I know. Can we go back to the precinct so we can solve this?"
Ryan uncertainly replies, "yeah. Let's go."

The precinct is unusually quiet which bugs me.
I wish I could just wreak havoc on the building but I know I would get trouble.
We work the case all day and find out quite a bit.
The vic was 29 with two kids and a loving husband. She also has two older brothers and her parents are still alive.
When I find this out, I become lost in thought. While Beckett talks to the parents, I find myself staring at the mom. I wish my mom was still here.

"Momma, I'm going to be a detective when I grow up, like Nancy Drew!"
She smiles her bright, brilliant smile.
"I think you would be a great detective. Look at me though."
I do, and her dark brown eyes peer into mine.
"Promise me you will be careful."
"I promise."
She hugs me. We look exactly alike, the only difference being our hair color. Hers is raven black while mine is like a penny.
"I love you." She says her melodic voice reverberating my eardrums.
"I love you too Momma."

As the memory fades I come back to reality with tears on my face.
I start to wipe them away, right when Ryan walks by.
He sets down his papers and wraps his arms around me.
"Its ok to cry."
"That's what my mom would have said. Well she would have sang it."
Without letting go, Ryan starts singing.
"Its ok to cry, crying gets the sadness out."
He continues until I am in tears again, and I sob into his chest, wanting him to stop but at the same time wanting him to sing forever.

When he finishes, I can't breathe, and it feels like there is a monster inside me trying to claw its way out.
He keeps me in his embrace until I calm down.
"You wanna go home?"
I shake my head.
"I have to go to the bathroom though."
As I walk away, Ryan calls after me.
"Samantha?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't do anything stupid."
I know he thinks I am going to hurt myself, so I nod.
I need air, so I take the stairs to the roof.
As I step out of the doorway, I realize fully how tall the building is. It's seven stories, and if I were to fall right now the drop would be around 75 feet.
I inch my way to the edge and peer over. The wall that's built to keep people from falling reaches just above my ankles.
I step onto it, not fully aware of what I am doing.
I look down and see all the people. Their lives are continuing normally. I wonder how they can do that. How can they live knowing that tomorrow the people they love most could be dead?
My breathing quickens.

Two more steps, two more steps and I could be free. I wouldn't have to live with this pain anymore.

I could fall, and I would die instantly.
My heart pounds against my chest.
I take another step.
I'm so close.
I'm so close.
One. More. Step.

My foot moves forward, and I expect myself to be falling through the air.

Instead someone grabs me and pulls me away from the ledge. I am quite literally dragged away from the edge.
Away from my death.

"What the HELL were you thinking?"
Ryan has his arms wrapped around me tightly.
I try to fight against him but he won't let go.
"RYAN! LET GO!"
"NO! YOU CAN'T KILL YOURSELF! YOU PROMISED!" His voice breaks.
"You promised."
He lets go but pins me to the wall behind me by my arms.

"What if I was the one that found your body? You don't care how much pain we would be in if you died? If you killed yourself, don't you think I would blame myself?"
His words bring me to tears.
"I would be happy. Ryan I want to die! Please let me die!"
I collapse against him and slide to the ground.
"Never." He says, holding me.
Someone sits next to me. I look over see Esposito, tears in his eyes with a sad face.
He takes my hand and I ask, "you saw that?"
He nods grimly.
They continue to hold me until I fall asleep, my face still wet and my body still broken.