Castle's partner

Explanation

Ross pov
I sit in the box with Ryan and Beckett.
I try to find words to explain what happened. Slowly they start to form.
I stumble, but continue on to speak.
"I-I went to look for him, an-and I walked into the parking structure and he started to follow me so I called you Beckett. And he punched me and then I shot him."
"Wait, where did you get the gun?"
Ryan asks.
I tense, because even if I don't get in trouble for killing this man, I will for stealing a firearm.
"I took it. From Ryan's desk."
They look at each other.
"It's ok. You thought you were in trouble so you protected yourself."
I nod.
"Can I leave now?"
"Yeah let's go."
We get in his car and drive home in silence.
I walk in and sit on his couch, with my knees pulled to my chest.
"Hey Ross do you want something to eat?"
I shake my head.
"Ross don't do this to yourself. What you did was perfectly legal. Its OK."
I'm surprised by my own voice.
"I'm a monster."
I look at him and all I see is the man I shot. What if I hurt Ryan? What if I kill someone innocent?
"Ross you are the furthest thing from a monster I have ever met! The whole reason you did this was to save someone else's life, and you did! You risked your own because you knew it was the right thing to you. You took a bullet for Beckett. You were tortured for information that you could have given instead of taking that pain, but you didn't! Don't you see what I see? I see a strong young woman who would do anything to help total strangers. Samantha look at me."
I turn my gaze towards him.
"You are amazing. You are not a monster. I've taken people's lives before. Does that make me a monster?"
I shake my head.
He looks gratified that I have come to this realization.
"You're covered in blood. Do you want to take a shower?"
I get up silently and walk to the bathroom. I turn on the water so it is extremely hot. I undress, and step in.
I stand there motionlessly as the water runs down my body. On the bottom of the tub, there is a buildup of red liquid. I close my eyes trying to escape the reality of what I have done.
I try to reassure myself by going over what Ryan said in my head.
"It's ok Samantha. It was self defense."
I think to myself.
I turn off the water and dry myself off, and put my clothes on. I stand and I look at the mirror, only to see the disgusting person I am. I suddenly feel the urge to cut. I know bad things are going to happen if I do, and I have to hold myself back.
It is becoming to hard restrain myself.
I clench my fists as I shake.
I run out of the bathroom.
"Ryan help me!" I scream at the top of my lungs.
He comes sprinting and has trouble stopping when he gets to me.
"What what's wrong?" I hold out my arm, sleeve rolled up, for him to see.
He understands and grabs each wrist and pulls me into a hug.
We stand like this for a few minutes, until the urge has passed.
I can feel my body relax against his, and he slowly lets go.
He licks his lips before speaking, a faint smile appears on his lips.
"I'm so proud of you."
I walk to my bed and Ryan gets in next to me, not even bothering to ask because he knows what my answer will be. He takes my hand and I scoot closer to him. The comfort of his body soothes me, and for a second the thoughts of horror exit my mind and I am left without them.