Castle's partner

Shocked

I wake up to realize it was just a dream. A terrible nightmare in which my worst fear came true.
I am trembling, and I get up and speed walk to her room. She is there, sleeping peacefully.
She stars to stir, my presence waking her.
She sits up. "Hey."
Wordlessly, I put my arms around her.
She feels my shaking.
"What's wrong?"
I suddenly know how painful it is for her to have these dreams, and how it is even worse to talk about.
I stroke her hair, taking comfort in knowing she is safe.
"Can I stay with you?"
Although I can barely make out her features, I know she is shocked.
"Yeah of course. I had a bad dream too."
"What was yours about?"
"How about in the morning I'll tell you and you tell me?"
I think this over, and agree it is a good idea.
"Ok."
We go silent, but I know she is still awake.
"Ross?"
"Yeah Uncle Ryan?"
"I love you."
"I love you too." She replies taking my hand.
I am comforted knowing I can protect her, knowing she is safe.
I close me eyes, trying to shrug away the images that snake their way into my mind.
As I fall into the chasm of darkness, I squeeze Ross's hand a little tighter.

I wake to the sound of running water, and I know Ross is taking a shower. Within a minute, the water is turned off and she comes out dressed, her red hair dripping.
"How did you take a shower so fast?"
She shrugs. "When you live with five other people who all want to take a shower, you learn pretty quickly how to take a speedy shower." She grins.
I laugh. "Ok so you wanna get breakfast and talk about last night?"
"How bout you get breakfast and you talk about last night."
I give her a half assed smile.
"How bout no! Come on you agreed."
"Ugh fine."
We migrate to the kitchen where I start making pancakes. I see her face go blank as I pour the batter into the pan. She sets her jaw and looks at the ground.
"What's wrong? Do you not like pancakes?"
"No it's not that."
"Then what?" I ask gently.
The corners of her mouth turn up, as if she is in another time.
"Every Saturday my dad would make pancakes for us. He would pour the batter into the shape of our first initial and add chocolate chips. My mom would pretend she didn't want us to have chocolate chips for breakfast, but we all knew she just loved seeing us happy." I can tell the thought of this is hurting her, but at the same time I'm glad she will have these memories for the rest of her life.
"Ross that sounds awesome."
"It was."
I gave her a sad smile before continuing to make the pancakes.
"Do you need help?"
"No it's ok. Sit down."
She does, and when she thinks I'm not looking she rubs her face like people do when they are exhausted.
I can hear her hair tie snapping on her wrist, and every time she does, I wince for her. After I'm done with the pancakes I bring them to the table and sit down next to her.
As she reaches for a plate, I can see a large red welt forming on the inside of her arm. Before her hand touches the plate, I grab her arm.
"Ross-"
"Stop." She cuts me off.
"No look at this. This is not ok. Look at me." Her wandering eyes lock on me.
"Would you want me to do this to myself."
She swallows hard. "No."
"It's the same thing, but even more painful. Do you remember what it was like when I cut myself?"
She cringes.
"See?"
"Yeah but Ryan it's not the same."
"How? How is it not the same?"
"Because! I need to do this otherwise I will hurt myself. Yes, I will admit ok. I'm depressed! I could be doing a lot worse but I'm not. And I'm only doing it for you guys! Not for me."

Her last words hang in the air.
I don't even know how to reply to that.
"Ok. I understand. I love you and I hope you know that. It makes me sad that the reason you stopped cutting was for us. I want you to do it for you."
She nods. I continue.
"So what was your dream about?"
"You tell me first. Then I'll tell you."
"Fine." I proceed to tell her mine, and when I'm done I say, "my worst nightmare came true."
"Wait, your worst nightmare was me? Getting hurt?" She is seemingly shocked by this newfound revelation.
"Yes."
"I don't want to be your worst nightmare." She hugs me.
"Ok so what was your dream?"
She sighs as she lets go. "I guess I have to tell you now."
"Yep."
"Ok. I was back there. And he was hitting me. Except, it wasn't Brandon."
She struggles to continue.
"Ryan it was you."
I know my jaw drops a little at this.
"I know you would never hurt me. I don't know why it was you. I'm not afraid of you. I love you."
I know she is worried I think she's scared of me, but I know she's not.
"I love you too." We hug and finish our breakfast, and make our way to the precinct.