Castle's partner

I Want

Espo and Ryan are still at the precinct when I get there. I walked back, and Castle took Alexis home.
Beckett should be here soon.

My head is starting to hurt, and my arm has been emitting sharp pains.
Espo and Ryan have picked up a few suspects. The first is a homeless man who saw someone setting down a blue backpack in between two dumpsters, and then someone else picking it up and moving it to the lamppost where it went off.
They let him go though because he was not involved.
By the time we are done with him, it's dark outside, and I am in a lot of pain.
I walk silently to the break room and sit down, and lay my throbbing head in my hands.
I try to massage my temples, but nothing seems to work.
I want to go back to Ryan's but I also want to finish this case. I know that's not going to happen tonight.
For some reason, this case is really bothering me. And I mean REALLY bothering me.
Granted, I almost died because of this.
But they usually don't affect me like this.
I am also exhausted. And in pain.
It is not my day.
I can feel myself start to nod off, and someone sits on the couch next to me.
I stiffen, and become fully aware of my surroundings.
Espo has sat next to me. His expression is soft, which is not normal for him.
He gently takes my hand in his.
"Are you doing ok?"
"Yeah I'm fine." My voice comes out tired.
"Samantha, you can tell me the truth. I know what it's like seeing dead bodies after a bomb. It changes you. It's even worse when you are a victim. Please talk to me. I will listen."
I know that I should. I know burying my emotions deep down inside and bottling them up does not end well.

It ends in me cutting.

"I'm just really tired. My head hurts too." I pause before continuing.
"Espo do you ever just want to go to sleep and never wake up?"
He looks at me dumbfounded.
"Once. Right after I came back from the war. And then I met you and I realized I had something to live for. That little girl gave me something to fight for. And she turned out to be you, and that gives me an even bigger reason to keep fighting, because I love you."
It is my turn to be dumbfounded.
"Really?"
"Of course. But because I love you, you can't want to go to sleep and not wake up. Promise me you won't hurt yourself."
I bite the inside of my lip.
"Esposito-"
"Promise me. Please. How would you feel if you thought that I would hurt myself?"
I squeeze his hand a little tighter, letting him know what I would think.
But I have no words. Nothing to say.
I know he is struggling to gather a sentence.
"What is one thing I could do to make your life better?"
I was not expecting this question, and to be honest, I have no idea.
I think through my whole life.
I lost my parents and my siblings, I want them back.
I was molested, beaten and bruised.
I have scars from self harm and abuse.
I want them gone.
I watched as a bullet went into Beckett's body, and I felt it graze mine.
I endured the pain of torture.
I want all these memories gone.
I have nightmares every night of someone I care about getting hurt.
I want to not have bad dreams.
I flinch when someone touches me, or I hold a glass of ice water.
I want to not be afraid.
I can't find the murderer of my family.
I want justice.
I was injured in a bomb, and we cant find who did it.
I just want to be happy.

But I can't say any of this.
No one can give me what I truly want.
I am like a broken glass.
I started out in one piece, but in seconds, I shattered.
It's like someone keeps picking up the pieces, and breaking them again and again.
But guess what? It won't matter, because you can't break something that's already broken.

"Espo?"
"Yeah?"
"I want to share a Twix with you."
I lie. But his face lights up.
"Ok." He says eagerly. "I'll go find a vending machine."
And as he walks away, I wipe away the tears that start streaming down my cheeks.