Castle's partner

Leaving

I'm tied to a chair. There is a monster in front of me.

Tyson.

"Tell me what I want to know."

I don't move.

He slaps me. Hard.

I can feel a bruise forming.

I promise myself that no matter what he does to me, I won't cry or scream.

I won't let him win.

He slaps me again, and I can feel the whiplash burning my neck.

I grit my teeth and try to ignore the pain.

Over, and over again he hits the living daylights out of me.

Finally he stops, and I can't feel anything anymore.

I can't move anything from the neck up, the beating is so bad my whole face is swollen.

"Fine. This will get you to tell me."

He pulls Oliver out of thin air and holds a gun to his head.

Oliver tries to look strong, but I can tell he's having trouble keeping it together.

"Tell me or he dies!" Shouts Tyson.

I can't.

"Oliver," I croak.

And he pulls the trigger.

My eyes shoot open and I sit up attentively all in one motion.

I'm panting, like I just ran a marathon.

"Hey, hey. Look at me."

Lanie's trying to comfort me.

"Was that a nightmare?"

I nod, still trying to catch my breath.

"Do you have them often?"

"Every...damn...night."

I mutter.

"Oh Samantha. I'm so sorry."

Lanie's face is plastered with sympathy, her voice full of pain.

She puts her arms around me, and my shaking slowly comes to a stop.

"What are they usually about?"

I tense.

"Hey, it's ok. I just don't want you to be scared. Nightmares aren't real."

"I know, it just-they take over and I hate it because it's something I can't control. They make me relive the worst moments of my life, or-or make me see the things I'm most afraid of. They seem so real."

She sadly strokes a strand of my hair.

"What was this about? I know it's painful, but you feel better telling someone you care about. You can trust me. I love you and I won't let any of your nightmares come true."

If only it were that easy.

"Tyson, Tyson was hurting me."

"Hey, he won't, ok? It's not going to happen."

She again brings me into her embrace.

I can smell the faint, sweet scent of the perfume she has on.

I would recognize it anywhere, because it's the one my mom wore.

Warm brown sugar.

"Can I go home?"

I ask, meaning home with my family.

My permanent home.

But I know she'll think I just mean to leave the hospital.

"I don't know. I can get a doctor to check you out and make sure you can leave."

---------------------------------------------------

I get in Lanie's car. I was cleared to go.

It took longer than expected because there was a brief skirmish about getting in the wheelchair.

I said I didn't need it. I could walk myself.

But no, it's protocol that I have to get in the ding-dang wheelchair.

I got over my grumbling though when I took a few steps and pain was shooting throughout my entire body.

"So where are we going?" Lanie asks.

"Can I stay with you tonight?"

"Of course. But, you haven't stayed with Ryan since he proposed to Jenny. Why is that?"

I shrug. I know the answer I just don't want to say.

"Samantha. I'll make you stay there if you don't tell me."

"Lanie!"

"Why?"

"I don't-"

"Why?" Her voice is mounting.

"They don't need me! They won't want me. They are going to start a family and they don't need me in the way." My voice is so cold you would think I'm full of ice.

"Oh Samantha, that's so wrong. You know what Ryan told me? He said he was glad you were staying with him. That, you gave him the courage to propose to Jenny. You Samantha. He loves you more than you could even imagine. I'm surprised he hasn't told Beckett he wants you to live with them permanently."

"I don't believe that."

"How could you not believe that? You want to talk to him for yourself?"

She pulls out her phone.

"Stop ok I get it."

I look down at my wrists as she starts driving.

In the window I see my reflection.

I glance back down.

I run my fingers over my scars, slowly feeling the raised bumps on my skin.

I wonder what it would be like if I lost my memory. I wouldn't have a reason to cut. I wouldn't be in pain.

I could start over. I could be a new person with a new life.

I could live.

I wonder if there are ways of getting amnesia?

"Lanie?" My voice comes out dreamy. "How can someone lose their memory?"

She looks at me bewildered.

"Um...head injury, traumatic experiences, sickness. I don't really know if there's much else. Why do you ask?"

"Just wondering." I sound like I'm in a trance.

"Samantha, look at me."

I look at her, my eyes wide and unblinking.

"You can't try. I know what you're thinking. I know right now it hurts, but remember what Beckett says, 'even on the worst days, there is a possibility for joy.' I love you, and you can't. You wouldn't remember us. I know you well enough to know you don't want to forget us. I'm not going to make you promise you won't, but just know how much that would hurt us."

"I don't want to hurt you." I whisper.

"I know."