Castle's partner

I'm Sure

I have so many nightmares I can't even remember them all.

By eight I'm so done. I just want to get away, not have anyone to worry about me.

I sit up and look around. Nobody is here.

I close my fingers around the IV tube.

Oh this is going to hurt because I don't know how to do it correctly.

"Alright. One, two, three."

I squeeze my eyes shut and yank the tube from my arm.

I try not to cry out because wow did that hurt.

I take a few seconds to recover.

Standing up, I duck into the bathroom.

Thank the lord Jenny left that bag of stuff here for me.

I change slowly, I haven't moved in more than two weeks so my body is still getting used to it again.

I take my hair out of its braid and take a brush to it.

When I'm done, I look in the mirror. I hate what I see.

I hate what I've done. I've caused so much pain.

My hands clench at my sides, creating fists.

I lash out in anger, hitting the mirror.

I punch it over and over again until it cracks and shatters.

The glass cuts my skin, my right hand now covered in blood.

And I keep going.

I keep going, and burst into tears.

Then I hear a noise and the bathroom door opens.

"Samantha?" Comes Espo's voice.

When he sees me hitting the walls, he grabs ahold of me.

I pull away but he holds on tight.

"I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! LET ME GO!" I scream at the top of my lungs.

He doesn't say anything, just holds me until I give up.

I collapse against him and continue crying.

He brings me to the floor, his arms wrapped around me.

It takes five full minutes before my pitiful sobs become less violent.

I lean against Espo for support, and he rests his chin on my head. He rocks back and forth, patiently waiting.

He sets me on the ground next to him when I calm down.

He leaves and comes back with a nurse carrying a rather large first aid kit.

She takes my hand in hers, and I pull away.

"Samantha, knock it off and let her help you."

I can see fear and anger in his eyes.

Gingerly I let her fix me up.

She sanitizes my wound and cleans off all the blood. She wraps a bandage around it.

"Did you do this on purpose?"

"No."

"Then what happened?"

"I hit the mirror and it shattered."

"Really because doctors found self inflicted scars on your wrists, thighs, and stomach."

I grimace at the words Espo was unaware of.

"Can you give us a minute?"

The nurse nods and walks out.

I remain on the ground.

"You're mad at me." I whisper, avoiding eye contact.

"Yes! Yes I am! You said you would stop!"

He runs his fingers through his hair.

"You know you can talk to one of us. I don't understand why you won't. You didn't tell us about the rest of your cuts. There are so many times you could've and you didn't."

"I don't have to stay with you guys. In case you didn't remember, you guys were the ones that said I couldn't be by myself. I'm sorry I'm screwed up because I lost everyone I've ever cared about. I'm sorry I was raped, abused, shot, and tortured. I'm sorry I can't handle seeing you in pain I put you in!
And I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment."

I stand in anger and head for the door, but he blocks my path.

"You're not a disappointment. And where do you think you're going to go?"

"Anywhere but here."

"Samantha, let me take you for a few days. You can be away from everyone, at least until the trial. It's in four days. My apartments fixed. You can rest and recover there and then after the trial go back with Ryan and Jenny."

"And what if I don't want to?"
I snap at him.

"I'll put you on lockdown here. Your choice."

He makes me very frustrated, and I remember what I said to him just minutes ago and I regret it.

"I'm sorry. I don't hate you. You're just trying to help me."

"I know you didn't mean it. Let's just forget everything that's happened in the last five minutes alright?"

I nod. "I'll go with you Uncle Espo."

He takes my hand and kisses me on the forehead.

"I'll get a nurse to sign you out. Are you sure you're okay to leave?"

"I'm sure."