Castle's partner

Again

This time is different. This time I see the bomb go off, but instead of me getting hurt and five random bodies, they are ones I know.
I see Castle, Beckett, Esposito, Ryan, and Lanie on the pavement, their bodies unmoving.
I try to run to them, but there seems to be an invisible wall in front of me. I hit it and bounce off. I try again with the same results, and resort to slamming my fists and shoulders into it, trying to get through.
But nothing works.
Soon my shoulders are visibly bruised, and my knuckles bloody.
I scream in frustration.
"COME ON! YOU CANT LEAVE ME ALONE AGAIN!"

My screams echo against the walls as I open my eyes. Ryan is holding me, trying to get me to calm down.
"Its just a dream, its ok."
I can feel my body relaxing, and so does he.
"Are you ok?"
I nod against his chest.
"What was this one about?"
I shake my head.
"Please tell me. It works I promise."
I take a deep breath to steady myself.
"You were all dead, in the bomb. I tried to help you but I couldn't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"Ross it was just a dream. Its not real."
I let go of him and look at his face.
"Yeah I know it was stupid, just like me. What time is it?"
"Ross you are not stupid. You are a genius. And nothing you say or dream is stupid."
"Whatever. When are we leaving?"
"No you can't change the subject like that. Look at me."
I do, and his bright blue eyes remind me of my brothers, and it hurts to keep looking at him.
"You are amazing ok? I know you think you're not, but you are. All cops strive to be like you. You are not stupid, and neither are your dreams. Can you promise me you believe me, please?"
As I see the desperate look on his face, I want him to be happy.
"Ok fine."
"Fine what?"
"I promise."
"Promise what?"
"Ryan please don't make me say it."
"Say it. Right now."
I groan in frustration, but his determination is unwavering.
"I promise I believe you."
He smiles.
"Ok good. Now what do you want for breakfast?"
"Nothing lets just go straight to the precinct."
I try to walk past him, but he steps in front of me before I make it out the door.
"Nice try. You have to eat, you dont have a choice today."
"Ryan-"
"Nope. I will make bacon, how about that?"
"No I'm not hungry."
I can see his desperation.
"Why won't you eat?" He asks quietly. "Because I'm not hungry."
"But why?" His voice is raised.
"BECAUSE I NEED TO NOT EAT. I'M FAT AND I DON'T WANT TO GAIN WEIGHT."
My screams shock him.
He goes silent, but when he speaks again, his voice is scarily firm.
"Don't you dare say that again. Ever. Or there will be consequences."
Suddenly I become scared of this Ryan, a Ryan I do not know.
"Wha-what do you mean?"
"Samantha, you are not fat. I don't know how that idea got in your head, but you are smarter than that. How can you possibly believe that?"
My lips seal.
"Ross there has got to be a story here, and you have to tell me now."
I realize i am fighting a losing battle, and I should display my flag of surrender.
I sink back onto my bed. He sits in the chair across from me.
"Brandon always called me fat and disgusting. It bothered me at first, but then i started to believe him. I thought that what he was doing to me I deserved, because I am ugly and fat and gross. He drove me to cut myself Ryan." I can't bring myself to look at him. I have to whisper the last part.
"I hate myself."
He gently takes my arm, rolling up my sleeve. I hate it when he does this, it is almost the same as being naked, all my secrets are exposed.
He moves his finger across each cut, like he did when he first found out.
This hurts worse than actually cutting myself.
His hands are soft, and I have to clench my fists to keep from shaking.
I'm glad no one has seen my thighs or my stomach, where I have carved words into my skin.
As he works his way up my arm, I feel guiltier by the second.
He comes to the last one, and he pulls my sleeve back down, and instead takes my hand and sits next to me.
I lean my head against him.
I think about what just happened, and what Ryan just said, and realize I bever figured out what Ryan meant by consequences.
Raising my head from his shoulder I ask, "what did you mean by consequences?"
He looks at me.
"I will take you off your dads case."
I feel my jaw drop.
"You wouldn't do that. You couldn't."
"I will if you dont eat or you say something like that again. Is that incentive enough?"
I swallow my anger and choke out my answer. "Yes."

"Good. Im sorry but I have to. I knkw its the only way to keep you safe, just like your cutting. Okay?"
I nod.
"I love you." He says kissing me on the forehead.
"I love you too."