Castle's partner

Don't Sleep

I'm shocked. How can he still love me after what just happened? How can he not be ashamed of what I have done?
I don't realize I am thinking out loud until Ryan answers.
"How could I be ashamed of you?"
"Because of how much pain I've caused you. And what I've done."
"I don't care what you've done. I still love you."
I smile to my bleeding self.
"I love you too."
We stand up, and I still haven't stopped bleeding.
"Hey Ryan?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm feeling a little dizzy."
My knees buckle underneath me and I slide against the wall back down to the floor. I feel myself slowly getting tired, and I fight to stay awake.
Ryan's on his phone.
"Hey Lanie how fast can you get here we need medical help." He finishes the conversation and hangs up, kneeling down next to me.
He holds my hand shaking me every few seconds to make sure I don't close my eyes.
"Hey you gotta stay awake ok? Stay with me."
The sleepiness is greeting me, and its getting harder to fight, but the sharpness in his voice keeps me alert. I hear the door open a few minutes later, and Lanie rushes into the bathroom.
She sees me on the ground, and I can tell by the look on her face she has a flashback.
"Lanie. I'm ok." I say snapping her out of it.
My eyes are drifting closed, but I can still hear everything.
"Ross come on dont go to sleep!"
I try to open my eyes, but I can't.
I feel a sharp pain in my arm, sending fire up my limb. It hurts, but I don't react except for a slight flinch. I can tell Lanie is giving me stitches.
I can still hear Ryan's frantic cries, and Lanie is trying to calm him down in an equally tight voice. The sound fades, and the pain subsides.

I open my eyes, and I am puzzled before I figure out I am on Ryan's couch. I sit up too quickly, and gentle arms push me back. I am grateful though, because sitting up made me nauseous. I glance at my arm only to see dried blood and a few stitches. Lanie is still here, sitting on the couch next to me.
I try to sit up again, this time a lot slower.
"You ok?" They both ask at the same time.
I nod, because I am physically ok.
In a way though, this is a lie, because my heart hurts. Looking at Ryan all I can see is the blade on his skin and crimson flowing from his flesh. I stand up a walk past both of them into the kitchen to finish cooking the meal that got me into this mess. I try to distract myself from Ryan by thinking of other things on the way to the kitchen. When I get there, the stove is clean and so is the floor. I am busy wondering how long I was out when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I try to stifle my jump as I snap to the present.
I turn to face Ryan. I am trying to hold back tears, even though I don't know why I am about to cry.
The sight of his arm covered in gauze makes it worse.
He puts his arms around me and buries his face in my hair.
We let go a moment later.
"I was trying to make you breakfast but uh... I guess it didnt really work."
He laughs.
"It's ok. I didn't want burnt eggs anyways."
I laugh now too, but soon become serious.
"Ryan promise me you won't do that again."
"Ross I told you what was going to happen. I can't let you cut yourself. I can't let you be in pain."
"I will be anyway. What I have seen will never go away."
"I know. But causing yourself more pain is not the answer. Ok?"
I nod reluctantly.
"You were out for awhile. Are you hungry."
No.
"A little I guess."
"Ok do you want pizza?"
"Sure."
He calls the pizza place, and I go back out to see Lanie.
"Hey thanks for stitching me back up."
"I'm glad I was able to come. I hate seeing you hurt."
She sighs before continuing.
"When I saw you in the bathroom, I saw you back in that room. I couldn't let you die again."
"I'm not going anywhere. Ok?" She hugs me.
"Ok I have to go, but I'll see you tomorrow."
"Ok. Sounds good."
She walks out the door, closing it behind her.
A few minutes later the pizza guy comes. He delivers two pizzas, and I look at Ryan with astonishment.
"That's a lot of pizza."
"Well I figure we can each have one."
"Yeah right! Please tell me you are kidding."
"Nope." We both sit down. He opens the box and eats straight out of it. I gingerly take one piece and put it on a plate. I finish it slowly, and know I can't eat anymore.
"Ross you need to eat more than that."
"I'm so full if I eat anymore I'll barf."
"You only ate one piece."
"I know. I tried I really did."
"Do I need to call Beckett?" He threatens.
"No! I'm just not hungry ok? I'm fine!"
"Ok whatever. But you can't keep doing this."
I put my plate away and take care of everything else in the kitchen.
Ryan walks in and sees everything in order, and holds up his hand for a high five.
Memories come flooding back to that man slapping me, and I stumble backwards until I hit the wall. I slide against it, hugging myself, until I hit the floor. I don't know why I am afraid of Ryan.
He looks hurt, and I feel bad.
He sits next to me, but doesn't touch me.
"I'm not going to hurt you I promise. I will never hurt you and if I do, you have every right to hurt me right back. I will protect you. I love you."
He sits in silence before asking, "can I hold your hand?" I nod, and he carefully takes the hand that is not bandaged.
I look down to notice my cast.
"Crap. We forgot about my doctors appointment."
His gaze shifts to my leg and he smiles.
"We'll take care of it."
He picks me up and carries me to my room.
He turns to walk out.
"Hey Ryan?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry I was afraid of you. I know you will never hurt me."
I see his face relax, like he is relieved I know this.
"Goodnight."
He turns off the light and I let the darkness envelope me.