Happiness is a Butterfly

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  After the death of Nadine, Lexy isn't the same. She could only think about how much she helped her. And how she was always there for her. She wouldn't know if Nadine would actually want her or not. At first, she was sure it'd be a yes but now she doesn't think she's enough for her. Nadine would deserve better.

  Lexy could only wish that she's still here. To eat Oreos like they planned, to hopefully kiss her lips. She could only remember all their talks in the bathroom, when they held hands for the first time. Or, when they hugged.

  Lexy remembers when she was five, she tried to catch a butterfly with her bare hands. Somehow, that's how she saw Nadine as well, except, Nadine was the one trying to catch her.

  She looks out her window, wishing she could jump too. Maybe she could actually fly. The moonlight shined on her face as her tears blossomed. Lexy wanted to catch the moon. She wanted to travel into space and see all the stars shine. Of course, she got bullied for that so she quit her dream. But Nadine didn't. Now, she can't peruse them. Dreams are only dreams, she thought.

  Nadine used to hum a song every night, Lexy would never know the song and every time she asked, she would just look at her and laugh. Like, it was some joke. It sounded like a lullaby, similar to the one her dad sang to her every night. Now he's gone too. Lexy wonders if they really did end up together, would she hum it to their babies? Though, that wouldn't be possible. Maybe just adoption. But either way, those babies, would still be theirs.

  Even if she is dead, what's the worst that could happen to a girl like Lexy, to a girl that's already hurt. It seems fucked up, and she misses her but that's the best she can think. Negative thoughts ran through her head, and only thinking about how guilty Jake felt. It wasn't his fault, it was chucky's manipulation. Damn, she wishes that she would be strong enough to see them right now.

  But, if Chucky was already so bad, then why pretend to be good? She can't even look in his eyes, all she would see is Nadine. But Jake and Devon, they're hurting too, she just wants to give them a hug, she wants to cry into their shoulders.

  Lexy wishes she wasn't such a jerk. First, to Jake, and then pushing Nadine away. She didn't want any friends. She wishes she could go back in time, to sitting in the back of the bus and crying to meeting Nadine. To actually want to be friends, imagine how far they could've gone. She wishes she would've grabbed Nadine's arm, to keep her from running up those stairs.

  She just wanted to dance with her, to be able to feel her in her arms again, to be in her arms again. If shit were to actually work out, they would've traveled around the world, to Hollywood, maybe they could've seen a black rabbit in an alley.

  Lexy wanted to hold Nadine on the bed, cuddling and kissing. She wanted a happy relationship with her, like Jake and Devon have. But, are they happy, really? She wouldn't want to know the answer. But, she just wanted to dance with her.

  She left her home, left her mom and Caroline behind to go see her. Not intentionally. She was one thing but now known for another. Lexy wished to watch the sunset with her, Nadine's hair blending with all the other colors in the sky. No matter where Nadine was, she would drive to pick her up.

  Maybe, they would've caught a butterfly after all, while they dance in the night sky. Lexy would lose herself in the music in her ears. Her mind goes back to the song that Nadine would hum, the one that sounded like a lullaby. Lexy hasn't noticed that it was raining until she saw lightning. What would happen if she tried to catch that too..?

  Then, she thinks about how she shouldn't be hurt by her passing. She's been through so much worse, what's the worst that could happen to Lexy? A girl that's already hurt? Surely, it wouldn't be Nadine leaving the world. Lexy barely knew her. It should be her dad she's upset about, leaving Caroline with her self-centered mother. But no.

  She wishes she believed in good Chucky like her and Jake, maybe that would've stopped him from killing again. But, why would be pretend if they knew he was so bad in the first place?

  Again, maybe if she wasn't a bitch, Nadine would've lived. Maybe everything would've been different. She thinks she's cursed. Her mind goes back when she was crying, sitting in the last seat on the bus, seeing Jake pull his hand away from Devon's. Maybe they weren't happy. But, who is?

  Lexy wanted to dance with Nadine, their fingers slipping together as the rain poured on them. No matter if Nadine was still alive, she will travel to Hollywood and see their favorite stars, take pictures with them and talk to Nadine's ghost and see. Maybe she was still alive, maybe it was just a really bad injury and she'd be ok. But either way, she wanted to find that black rabbit in an alley. And it would be a gift, to Nadine, from her.

  Lexy wanted to hold Nadine onto the wall and kiss her, just to do it. Just to see if Nadine liked her as much as Lexy liked her. Maybe they would've dated. Possibly get married and adopt those babies so Nadine could hum that lullaby to them. But, she just wanted to have one last dance.

     
  Happiness comes and goes.

                    Happiness is a butterfly.

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