Breaking Code

Flashback to Fears 2012

Brantley POV

Jade and I were riding down the back roads not really heading anywhere in particular just enjoying the summer day. The windows rolled down and the music turned up passing the bottle of Jager back and forth between us and we were both singing along to Skynard.

Jade leans up and turns the radio down," B what are you scared of I mean really terrified of?"

"Princess you know I am scared of 3 things, snakes, sharks and commitment. Why ? What are you scared of?"

" I don't want the radio answer I want to know your deepest darkest fears the thing that makes you stay awake at night"

I pull in at the lake and back up where we can get out and sit on the tailgate. "Since you want to have this discussion then lets sit and talk."

"Darlin my biggest fears are snakes, sharks and commitment. Mainly commitment, I don't want to be like my parents and divorce or like some of the ones I see on the road that are married and cheat on their wives and lose their families. I don't want to be responsible for causing that kind of pain on my wife or kids. I thought Amber was it for me Jade but she said I scared her, the thought of marrying me scared her cause I carry a bottle of Jager and pills around with me. So yeah that is my biggest fear...committing to one person and finding out that true love doesn't exist. Well at least it doesn't for someone like me.What keeps you up at night Jade? What are you afraid of?"

Jade looks at me and she gave me a half smile "You know heights scare me, and closed in spaces, but the thing that keeps me awake ....thinking that I carry their DNA in me. That I could turn out like the man and woman who created me. I wish I could say they were mean to me but they weren't . Growing up with them i thought all kids only spoke when directly asked a question. I had no idea , until I came the summer I turned 13 and stayed with my grandparents in Jefferson,that all kids didn't wear formal clothes for dinner or that it was okay to raise my voice above a whisper or that it was okay to have an opinion that was different than theirs. They weren't mean just indifferent , they never cared what was going on in my life. I mean I had tutors that came to my house to school me and  nannies who raised me and you know until I was 13 and came to Georgia I don't ever remember a family member ever hugging me. My grandmother is the first hug I remember. My grandad he was the second, I didn't know how that felt until I was 13."

"Princess I don't understand that, you are one of the most loving and affectionate people I know. You can't ever be like them."

" I am now B, I wasn't always. I mean it took all summer for me to get used to it. But I stayed and enrolled in school here and only visited my parents every few months for a week or so in the summer. And the crazy thing is they loved it. How do you let your child live across the ocean from you not because you are in danger but because you just don't care? I see how Mama Becky is with you and Kolby and I have to question is it me? Am I the reason they are like that? Am I not lovable? "

"Timber Jade look at me, I love you. My Mama and brother love you. My band loves you and Jason loves you . So put that crazy thought out of your head cause you are very lovable, so loveable that I have to keep my brass knuckles handy when we are in mixed company. But I get what you are saying even as irrational as my fear sounds and I know that, I still fear it. Not just commitment I am afraid that there isn't any one out in the world who will love me. You know the rowdy me , the one you like to call outlaw, the man who likes to stay home when he can and if there  is someone they will already be taken.  I think that's why I'm the good time party guy cause people like that and well the girls they don't really want me, they want what they think I can give them. And I'm scared that I won't make it in this business . So I can understand where you are coming from. We all have fears Jade but we can't let them control us.  Just promise me that when you start feeling this way you will call me or text me so I can remind you that you are nothing like that egg and sperm donor and incubator. "

" I promise you B, with one condition, that when you get to thinking about love and commitment with a woman , you won't cut me out of your life. Cause you are too good of a man not to get married and have children. You will be fine cause love and commitment go hand in hand and you have no trouble being faithful . Its just that most women can't handle your lifestyle and the stress of the road. Its hard to come home after a hard day to an empty house but I promise you B, the right one will understand who you are, what you believe in and stand beside you and support you.  You like being the good time party guy because of all the many different flavors of pussy, so don't give me you have to be that way cause I may have been born at night but it wasn't last night asshole."

"Darlin I promise you tonight that I will always be here for you and will never cut you out of my life as long as you promise me the same thing . "

Jade looks up at me and  she said," I promise Brantley."