ANTI - Oscar Diaz

93

I was right there sat in the waiting room when the doctor came out with the news, they managed to get the bullet out but his brain was swelling,his body went through alot and his lungs was weak and for that reason he was going to stay at the hospital.

It's been 4 days now and he was still unresponsive. We were allowed to see him but I couldn't handle it,when i saw him,the state he was in I only broke down crying.

I was under tremedous stress that I woke up in the middle of the night bleeding. Laurice rushed me to the same hospital he was in,whilst he was asleep in one end I was being checked up in the other. Thankfully everything was okay and it was normal to bleed during a pregnancy. I was 12 weeks pregnant which meant very soon I was about to start my second trimester. I did an ultra sound and even whilst I was doing I was on the verge of tears. I wanted to do this with Oscar. He should've been there.

I have a healthy baby is what the doctor said and I was happy about that. That's all I wanted to hear.

I woke up this morning with the same dream I had that night in my head. I wouldn't call it a sweet dream or a nightmare either. It was in between those two.

So that's why I was sat outside the Rehabilitation centre my mother was locked in.

I don't remember the last time I've been here and I felt ashamed that it might've been almost a year since I last came.

I took my bag and made my way through the double doors.

"I'm here for Kirsten Tiller." The receptionist made me sign some papers and I waited nervously to be led to her.

Even as i walked through the hallway to go to the meeting room my nervousness spiked up.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

The large room was full with other people visiting a nember of their family.I stopped once I saw her. She was living proof of the saying that black don't crack. Even if her skin was a little pale,she looked the same.

I looked so much like her.

When I approached her,she didn't even flinch or look up at me. I sat on the chair opposite her and just stared at her.

"Hi Mum."my voice was shaky. About a year ago when I came here she didn't talk. She was choosing to not say a word and I guess nothing changed. She didn't want to speak to me or my brother.

A part of me didn't need her to talk, I had a lot to tell her. I wanted to vent to her, tell her about all the things I've been through. A response from her would've be great though.

"I'm sorry for not coming to visit you sooner. There's alot of things going on in my life right now. I wish you were out of here. I miss you." I reached over to grab her hand, I was happy when she didn't pull away.

"I'm engaged now."I flashed my engagement ring and chuckled dryly looking down at it. "But Oscar's been hurt badly mum. I want to get out of Freeridge but I can't do that with that woman still out there. I know you hated everything about the gang and trust mr I hate it to......"I stopped not knowing what to say. There wasn't anything good about the gang, no justifiable reason to stay in it. I could forget about Cuchillos and leave, that was the right thing to do and I knew it.

"Dad's back in freeridge. It's funny because I still have hope that you two would get back together....his new wife is fucking horrible. Such a bitch. Wish you were with me to roast the shit out of her. And to make things worse her daughter likes Oscar."I scoffed "Everyone likes him. I'm in a competition with every girl that knows him or sees him. I feel like a pure piece of shit because I don't think I have any guys that actually like me like all these girls like him."

I clenched my jaw. In all honesty I didn't feel desirable maybe I wasn't the bad bitch everyone said I was, I was a plain Jane. But I knew what my mum would say, she taught me growing up to love myself, to love my skin colour and to embrace the black women in me. One thing she always said was being black, I had to work ten times harder than everyone around me. And that was true,at school I had to work much harder than my white peers. It was so exhausting. This system was designed to make me hate my skin colour. It worked against us, not just against black people but minorities.

"But, there's this one guy mum. Jonathan. He kissed me. And I let him. I don't know why though. I blamed it on the fact that i was tired but deep down I think I let it happen because finally i felt wanted. Another guy that wasn't Oscar wanted me. I don't know how to feel about that." I rubbed my face in frustration. I felt so guilty after that night, I didn't pull away, In fact I wrapped my arms around his neck and let him kiss me.

I smiled when I felt a squeeze to my hand. I looked at her to see her eyes on me.

She was listening to me.

"I want to know about your day mum.I want to know about your time in this hell hole. I know you're better, the nurses said so. I just need you to speak.I want to hear your voice mum." My voice broke at the end.

I fanned my face trying to stop myself from crying.
"I've been crying alot lately and that's not good.... the doctor said I should stop stressing myself out and just take everything slowly."

"And she's right you know. I have great news... you're going to be a grandma... I'm having a baby." I smiled widely.

"Which is why I need you to get better. I need a babysitter. I want my baby to grow up with you around mum."

She held my hand tighter and her face broke into a smile. I almost wanted to cry. It's been so long since I've seen her smile.

"I-I'm going to be a grandma?" My heart burst with joy at the sound of her voice.

I nodded not being able to control my tears.

"Yes you are mummy."