Nirvana (Liu Yuxin x reader)

-98-

(THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS CONTENT THAT MAY BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME READERS)

'After Yuxin left, Jade made it her business to make my life hell. She kept a low profile for the first year but after that she spread rumour after rumour. She humiliated me every chance she got. She abused me a few times. That's why I got tattoos to cover the scars but I gave myself most of the scars. She would push me in front of oncoming cars and film it. I almost got kicked off of one of the courses I took because she stole of my work. My life was hell. I couldn't get a moments peace. She would follow me home or send people to harass Dad.'

'I could tolerate her making my life hard but when she started targeting Dad as well, I don't know, something snapped. I organised to meet up one night when Dad was out of town for work. We made a deal. She'd leave everyone alone if I killed myself. I agreed and went home and slit my wrists. The next thing I remember is waking up in hospital. Dad had come home early and found me passed out on the floor. After that, I stopped talking to everyone.'

'She wasn't very happy that I wasn't dead but was impressed that I actually tried. She backed off for a bit but got bored of the other people and came back to me. I turned to self harm to cope with it. Dad didn't know about this until after I got my tattoos. I had lost a lot of weight and passed out a lot. The years passed on and I tried to avoid her at all costs. We graduated and things were looking better. She went to uni while I stayed. It took a while to get some what back to normal. But I started talking to people again.'

'I opened a dance studio, started producing music and all that to try and help myself recover from my high school life. Then I apply for the show. Everything's fine I see Yuxin again but I see her there as well. Some rumours started again and she started to abuse me again. She noticed my tattoos and made cuts over them. They're almost healed over thankfully but it's taken ages. I tried to commit suicide again but one of my friends saved me. She strangled me to point I passed out and Yuxin came and found me. She caught my waist with her knife a day before our first performance which recently just closed up.'

'She hasn't done anything since because everyone's made sure there's at least one person around me or aren't in the blind spots of the cameras. Things were getting better but then I saw Mum yesterday. Everything came back. I kept thinking to myself if I was ever meant to be happy or was I supposed to only be down all the time. But Yuxin was there, she reminded me that I can be happy. She reminded me that I'm loved and that there's people around me that care. She saved me from going back to square one.'

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Okay so I just wanted to say something and I'm scared shitless but here we go.

Bullying is a cruel thing. It's happened to me. It's happened to people I know. Everyday people die because of bullying. Everyday people suffer from suicidal thoughts because of bullying. People self harm because they either feel that they are the ones who are doing something wrong, they may feel that if they hurt themselves others won't hurt them anymore or maybe they want to just stop and hope that they may accidently hurt themselves more than they intend to hoping it would kill them. They aren't all the reasons but some of them.

I have a history with self harm and even now I find myself going back to it. This year I wanted to try and get through the year without turning to it. I didn't last a week. I didn't tell anyone and even now telling people on here, no one know my real name, what I look like or my identity in real life. Even though this is kind of anonymous, I'm still so scared. 

I've never really spoken to people about how I feel and I don't really know why. It might be because I had to grow up too fast because of the household I live in and certain people I live with. But I've always been one to keep to myself. Not say anything about myself. I've had to be the strong one for other people and I'm fine like that but sometimes it gets too much. I always need to be happy and bubbly for other people. I have to not think much about what people say about me and have to ignore people being judgemental. All I want to do is stay away from everyone. I feel that every time I'm around, something bad happens. I feel like all I do is make mistakes. I can't make anyone happy only angry or miserable. Anything I do isn't good enough for some people. 

I'm trying so hard not to cry because my family's close by and I don't want them to worry about me. That and I don't want them to think I'm weak because they need me to be strong. I want them to be proud of me but I can never give them a reason to feel like that. This story has been a big help to me, because I've been able to release some frustration and enjoy doing something like this. That's why whenever I see when someone's voted or commented or added to their reading list I feel so happy. Like genuinely happy. I feel proud like I did this. People appreciate something I do. But then I end up thinking thingy like why can't I do something else properly or what am I doing wrong with everything else. I know what it feels like to feel like you're not worth anything. I know what it feels like to feel no one cares. That's why I want to try and help as many people not feel like that. It's a horrible feeling and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. This feeling will end up killing you. 

So I just want to let you guys know that my dm's are always open. You don't ever have to hesitate if you feel like you need to reach out for help. I will help you the best I can. You are not a burden. You are a blessing. You are not worthless. You are priceless. People do care. I care. So if you need someone to talk to I'm here for you. If a friend isn't acting like themselves check on them. All they want is for you to show that you care. They just need someone to listen to them. They may not open up to you straight away but if you let them know that you're there for them if they need it, chances are they will eventually tell you. 

I'm shaking so much jesus christ. 

Thank you so much for reading, I love you and here goes everything.

❤