Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 937: Sunday 21st April 2019

Entry 937
Sunday 21st April 2019

I went to see Auntie Meryl today and I took Leo with me. I love the old bag, but my God she's hard work.

I arrived at the quarantined area of Newport, was escorted to the large community centre by one of the GRID soldiers and saw Auntie Meryl sat next to the drinks machine near the hatch to the kitchen area. She was knitting something and looked like she was trying to focus hard on the task in hand. It was so nice to see her. A warm smile appeared on my face, and with Leo in my arms I approached Auntie Meryl. I stood before her, raised my eyebrows and smiled. "What you stood there like that for?" she bluntly said. "Well, I'm saying hello," I said. "No, you're not," said Auntie Meryl, "You're just stood there like a spare part with that dopy look on your face. What do you want, a standing ovation?" "Well, I said," I said, "I..." "You've got some explaining to do young man," said Auntie Meryl, "Now sit down, shut up and tell me what you think you're playing at." I handed Leo to Auntie Meryl and she fussed him in her usual way. "How can I explain things if you want me to shut up?" I asked. "Don't get funny with me smart arse," said a firm Auntie Meryl pointing a firm finger at me, "You're not too old to be put across my knee and have your backside slapped redraw you know?" I smiled. "What you smiling for?" said Auntie Meryl, "Do you think this is funny?" "No, no, no," I said, continuing to smile, "I just didn't realise how much I missed you." I leaned over to Auntie Meryl and kissed her on the cheek. "Well you could have fooled me," said Auntie Meryl, "It was bad enough that I got told you were in a coma and that I couldn't see you, but the next thing I know you're out of hospital and sunning yourself with Trudy and Richard in Egypt!", "Giza," I said. "I don't care if you were with a bird or a geezer" said Auntie Meryl, "You just buggered off and left me on my own. I was worried sick." "Well, I'm OK now," I said, "And it wasn't exactly a holiday. I was bl**dy terrified." "Terrified?" said Auntie Meryl, "I heard you were having a right old time of it; seeing the pyramids, going through the streets of Egypt, getting a tan. Can't be bad. Some of us were sat not getting a wink of sleep because we were worried sick about you, whilst all the time you were tanning yourself in the sun." "Auntie Meryl, I wasn't tanning myself," I said. "Don't give me that," said Auntie Meryl, "What were you doing wearing a thong if you didn't want to get a tan? I'm not stupid. Mind you, God knows where you got a gold thong from." "Auntie Meryl," I said, "Let me try and explain.... It was Kyle who ran me over. Once I came out of the coma, I left the hospital and that's when I realised Kyle had kidnapped Leo. I went looking for them and I ended up getting shot with a dart. The dart knocked me out and I woke up in this boiler room under a school in Gurnard; one of the uninhabited parts of the island. I was there, Kyle was there, Leo was there, and Blade was there. Tara was holding us all hostage. She was disguised as a GRID guard. She held me at gunpoint, made me go to the prison, forced me to lie to Harold and tell him that Mia was still alive. She wanted me to convince Harold that Mia was alive and that Tara had her hostage, so that Harold would tell Tara where a copy of the E-Virus was. Tara said if I didn't convince Harold that Mia was alive and make him tell me where the virus was, she'd kill Kyle and Leo who were still in the boiler room under the school that was rigged with semtex. Harold said that Ash had a copy of the virus, so that's when me and Tara went to get the virus, there was a scuffle, Tara shot Naomi, she threatened to kill Primark, then when Tara got the virus, she held me at gunpoint and took me to GRID HQ. There was another scuffle, Mike turned up and the next thing I knew Mike was on the ground injured, and me, Trudy and Richard were stowed away in the back of this GRID jet whilst Tara, not knowing we were in the back, flew us to Egypt. When we arrived, we tied up Tara, and me, Trudy and Richard ended up underneath this pyramid with this big gay fat billionaire. He wanted to buy the E-Virus, so Trudy pretended to be Tara, and me and Richard pretended to be her assistants. We sold the virus to the fat gay billionaire, but he fancied me so it all got really weird. We ended up stealing the virus back and legging it but that's when Tara appeared. She got free, but then to make matters worse Biggs; the fat gay billionaire's assistant and Gemma, one of the guards, gassed us all, tied us up and ran off with the virus, the money and the GRID jet. That's when we found out Trudy could make the heads of the infected explode. The fat gay billionaire locked us out of the pyramid, so now, me, Trudy, Richard AND Tara were stranded, so we had to look after each other. We tried to make our way to Cairo airport but me, Trudy and Tara got kidnapped and locked up in this police station. That's when Richard turned up with his wife Madeline who he'd been reunited with. They rescued us, piled us on to this little plane and we flew back here. At this point I thought Tara had an ill sister and that the reason she'd killed all these people and tried to sell the virus, was to get money to pay the Doctors who were looking after her ill sister. Anyway, it turned out all that was a lie, Tara was just manipulating me, and that's when she left this plane in the ejector seat. I thought we were all going to die, but that's when Madeline said she could fly the small plane and she flew us back here. We were put in quarantine, I got out of that gold thong and then I got settled back in." A short silence followed where Auntie Meryl looked rather bewildered. "Right...." She said in a confused tone, "So was it this Madeline who gave you the gold thong?" I lowered by head and gave a depressing sigh. "That's your response is it?" I said, "I give you song and verse about everything that's happened, and you ask about the bl**dy gold thong?" "Well, someone as pasty skinned as you shouldn't be running around with all your bits hanging out," said Auntie Meryl, "I'm surprised you didn't get sun burned." "I had more things to worry about than getting sun burnt," I said. "Mosquitos?" said Auntie Meryl. "No, not bl**dy mosquitos you daft cow!" I loudly exclaimed, "Infected." "So, where did you get this gold thong from?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Forget about the bl**dy gold thong!" I loudly exclaimed, "It's not important. All that's important is that I'm back." "Well, I was worried sick," said Auntie Meryl, "One minute you're in a coma, the next you're in some foreign country running around in a thong. I didn't know what to think.  I was beside myself. I don't think I've ever been so upset." "Everyone was upset," I said, "I was told even TJ shed a few tears." "Did your Mum get upset?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Yeah," I said. "I bet her tears were as fake as those knockers she keeps propped up with those fancy push up bras she has," said Auntie Meryl, "Dirty b*tch." "Auntie Meryl don't say that," I said, "I know you and Mum don't get on, but she was worried about me, and as far as I know her boobs aren't fake; they're real." "Don't you bet on it," said Auntie Meryl, "That slapper's boobs are about as real as my teeth. Anyway, I hope you give that Kyle a bl**dy good hiding." "I think we all need to try and be a bit understanding," I said. "You what?" said Auntie Meryl, "Your teenage son runs you over and leaves you for dead, and you say we should be a bit understanding? You're off your head. If a teenage boy tried to run me over, he'd feel the back of my hand and the sharp side of my tongue, and I wouldn't give a toss if he was my son, nephew, grandson or secret love child. I'd slap him into the middle of next week." "Yeah, well we need to remember that Tara has been manipulating him hasn't she," I said, "Remember Auntie Meryl, he's fifteen and he's been through a lot." "When I was fifteen, I worked in the shoe factory scrubbing floors, cleaning toilets and polishing leather with my friend Betty Crack," said Auntie Meryl, "Twelve hour shifts, no tea breaks and a middle-aged floor manager with wandering hands like an octopus. He was a creepy so and so. He tried to manipulate me. He told me that I was the prettiest girl in the factory and that he wanted to inspect my tongue work. I nearly sh*t myself when I realised, he wasn't talking about the shoes I was working on. Yes, he manipulated me, but I didn't jump in a car, run him over and leave him for dead, did I? No, I didn't. We never did such a thing in my day. We didn't go around putting people in comas. We'd just send the boys over, who would go around and knock seven bells out of him until he developed a temporary inability to smell." "I'll talk to Kyle and sort everything out," I said. "Talk?" said Auntie Meryl, "That's your problem. Too much talk and not enough action. Tell the little sod he's lucky he's not banged up, and that if he doesn't give you a proper apology, you're going to disown him." "Auntie Meryl," I said, "I think a more gentle approach is what's needed. After everything I've been through recently; I don't want any more confrontations." "What, are you on about?" said Auntie Meryl, "What have you been through?" I stared at Auntie Meryl, opened my eyes and mouth in dismay. "Are you kidding!?" I gasped, "I've just sat here and told you EVERYTHING that's happened to me." "I can't remember all that bl**dy rubbish you were going on about," said Auntie Meryl, "Hit and runs, comas, Egypt. It was like listening to a month's worth of EastEnders on fast forward. All I know is that three people have been giving you grief. Two of them aren't around anymore and one of them is. Harold's in prison, Tara's gone flying off on that big James Bond ejector seat thing, and that leaves you with Kyle; your son. Yes, sort it out with him, but don't be a mug. What he did to you was wrong and he needs to know that."

As much as it pains me to say it, Auntie Meryl made a good point. I do need to sort things out with Kyle, but I need to tell him that he was out of order for running me over. I do need to remember that he's a teenage boy who was brainwashed by Tara, so I need to adopt a gentle approach that's firm but fair.

I haven't had chance to see Kyle or Roz today to get all that mess sorted out, but I'll do it tomorrow. It's about time we all started getting on and weirdly, after speaking to Auntie Meryl I feel all eager and determined to get this sh*t sorted out.