Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 852: Saturday 26th January 2019

Entry 852
Saturday 26th January 2019

I saw Auntie Meryl. God it was hard work!

I went around to see how she was getting on with her broken foot and she immediately launched into moaning and complaining. Blade had been around to see her and given her an iPad. "He gave me this bl**dy thing," she said, waving the iPad around, "He said there's no WIFI whatever that is but he said I can play games on it. Well I don't know what he's talking about. I've stood on it and nothing happens. Where's the games?" "No," I said, "He doesn't mean 'on it' as in 'stand on it'. You'll break the bl**dy thing if you do that. He means use it. Turn it on." "Well he told me to stand on it," said Auntie Meryl. "No, he told you to go on it," I said. "Oh, it's the same bl**dy thing don't go playing funny b*ggers with me." "Look," I said, "When someone says 'get on a bus', you don't stand on top of the bus do you? I mean you don't climb on it and get driven around whilst you're on the roof?" "My friend Betty Crack did that once," said Auntie Meryl, "She couldn't afford the fayre, so this driver said if she climbed on top of the bus and showed him her knickers, he'd let her take the bus for free. It was all a wind up. She was on top of the 72 with her bloomers on show and the driver got on the bus, put his foot down and took off whilst she was on the roof. She'd been round the block three times before she realised what was going on. Good job she had a clean pair of knickers on." "Yeah well I suppose we all do crazy things when we're in our youth," I said. "She was 68," said Auntie Meryl, "It was in 2016." "The point I'm trying to make is that when Blade told you to go on this, he didn't mean stand on it." "Whos' Blade?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Jon," I said. "Who?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Jon," I repeated. "So, there's a Blade and a Jon?" asked Auntie Meryl. "They're the same person," I said. "Do you mean like congenital twins?" asked Auntie Meryl. "No," I said, starting to get annoyed, "Jon. Jon. The man in charge."  "John Major?" said Auntie Meryl, "He stopped being Prime Minister ages ago. It's that woman now. What's her name?" "Jon Blade!" I exclaimed. "No, that's a fella's name," said Auntie Meryl, "Theresa something." "May," I said. "No," said Auntie Meryl, "Theresa. Theresa!" "I'm not on about Theresa f*cking May," I snapped, "I'm on about Jon Blade." "Who's Jon Blade?" asked Auntie Meryl. "The bloke in charge of GRID," I said. "What grid?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Oh God," I said, "Look, the guy who gave you this iPad is called Jon Blade." "OK, well whatever his name is or whoever you're talking about, what did he mean when he said go on it?" asked Auntie Meryl. "He meant, turn it on and use it," I said. "Well that's daft," said Auntie Meryl, "You don't say 'go on the telly' when you want to turn it on and use it. You say 'let's watch the telly'. Why didn't he say 'let's watch the iPad?'" "Jesus Christ, we haven't even turned it on yet and you're getting confused," I said. "I'm not getting confused," snapped Auntie Meryl, "It's you lot. You can't speak properly. I mean, is iPad even a proper word?" Yes," I bluntly said, snatching the iPad off Auntie Meryl, "Give it to me. You're lucky he's given you this. We don't all have iPads to play with." I turned the device on and a screen popped up saying 'Username'. "Right," I said, "Username." "What?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Username," I said. "Use what name?" asked Auntie Meryl. "You need a username," I said. "I need to use a name?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Well I've got a name. How do I use it? Do I need a different one?" "USER – name," I emphasized. "Well I will do," exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "Can I use my own name?" "Not use a name, username," I said. Auntie Meryl looked confused. "You see this is why I never use these computer things," said Auntie Meryl, "We got on just fine without them before. The world ticked along nicely without the need for all these inter-webs and dot coms. When me and Betty Crack wanted some attention from men, we didn't go on these weird screen things and click on lots of button to see a video of some fella flashing his old lad; we'd just find a dirty old man, lift up our tops and show them our bras." "That's not really something you should be doing when you're both young girls," I said. "What are you talking about?" asked Auntie Meryl, "This was a few years ago at the Over Sixties Club." "A username is a name you put into this bit here," I said, pointing to the screen. Auntie Meryl leaned in towards the screen. "MERYL," she loudly said. "No!" I said, "You type it in." "Well where's the typey thing?" asked Auntie Meryl. "The keyboard?" I asked. "No," said Auntie Meryl, "I don't want to play a song, I want to type something in." I rolled my eyes, pressed a button and the keyboard appeared on the screen. "Oh, that's fancy," said Auntie Meryl. "Yes," I said, "But you don't know the username; the thing that you ned to type in. Did Blade give you a username?" "I don't know what you're taking about?" said Auntie Meryl. "Oh, it doesn't matter," I said, "You can't use this without a username. You need to insert a PIN too." Auntie Meryl frowned with confusion and she picked up something from her armchair. "Well I've got a safety pin," she said, "Will that do?" "No," I said, "Not a safety pin or a drawing pin; a personal identification number. Pin." "So, do you need a pin or a personal identification number?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Which one is it?" "Pin!" I loudly snapped. "Well where do you put the pin in?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Won't it break it?" "Oh Jesus," I exclaimed, "PIN stands for personal identification number. Like a password. Did Blade give you a password?" "He just gave me that thing," said Auntie Meryl, pointing at the iPad, "What do you need a password for?" I pressed a button and I was taken to the desktop screen. "Ah," I said, "It looks like you can do certain things, but without the password you're limited. There's apps you can use on the desktop but we don't have the internet anymore so you won't be able to use all of them." "You what?" said Auntie Meryl, "Apps? Desktop? What are you talking about?" "App means application," I said. "Oh God, do I have to fill a form in before I use the bl**dy thing?" said Auntie Meryl, "I don't think I'm that bothered. I only wanted it to do some crosswords. I don't want to apply." "No," I said, "Oh look. It doesn't matter. You don't have to fill a form in. Look." I clicked on the crossword app and showed Auntie Meryl what to do. "Well what's this?" asked Auntie Meryl, clicking on a word document that showed a long list of abbreviations. "It looks like a list of abbreviations," I said, "Maybe they mean something to whoever was writing them." "It's just a long list of letters," said Auntie Meryl, "IDK, LYL, TTYL. What the Hell does all that mean?" "I don't know. Love you lots. Talk to you later," I said. "Well you don't need to leave just because you don't know," said Auntie Meryl. "No, that's what they mean." "It's what, what means?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Just ignore that," I said, "I don't even know what use that has. Maybe it's copied and pasted from the web." "Copied and pasted?" explained Auntie Meryl, "The web? What web? Is it something to do with spiders?" "Jesus Christ, no," I said, "Just ignore it." Auntie Meryl clicked on another app but she pressed it too hard and a pop up appeared. "Upload to cloud," said Auntie Meryl, "What does that mean? What cloud? Does this thing tell the weather?" "iCloud," I said. "All clouds are high," said Auntie Meryl, "They're up in the sky." "I, not HIGH!" I snapped. "Oh, I don't know what you're talking about," said Auntie Meryl. "Look, can you just put the tablet down," I said, "I've come to speak to you." "What tablet?" asked Auntie Meryl. "That!" I loudly snapped, pointing at the iPad, "That!" "This ipatch?" said Auntie Meryl. "iPad," I said. "You said tablet," said Auntie Meryl, "Is it an iPad or a tablet?" "Oh God, you're driving me mad," I said. "It's you, you can't speak properly," said Auntie Meryl, "How the frigging Hell is this a tablet? They're little things that come in a bottle that you get from the chemist."

Resisting the urge to smack my head against the wall, I changed the subject and told Auntie Meryl that I came around to see how she was getting on and how her broken foot was coming along. I told her that I wanted to tell her about mine and Kyle's confrontation yesterday, and I told her about what we said to each other. "Well," said Auntie Meryl, "When I was a kid and I behaved out of line, my parents would never, and I mean NEVER talk to me with such rudeness and incredible disrespect. Never." I hung my head feeling rather ashamed. "No," said Auntie Meryl, "They'd throw me under the stairs and knock seven shades of sh*t out of me." "Well thank you," I bluntly and sarcastically said, "That's very helpful. Are you saying I should start beating up Kyle?" "Who's Kyle?" asked Auntie Meryl. "My son!" I loudly snapped. "I thought his name was Leo?" said Auntie Meryl. "That's my other son!" I loudly said. "Bl**dy Hell, how many kids do you have?" asked Auntie Meryl, "I can't keep up." "Look, I just want to have a relationship with my son," I said. "Well he's only a baby," said Auntie Meryl, "I can't see how he's going to give you any trouble." "I'm talking about Kyle!" I loudly snapped. "Oh. What's the other one called?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Leo!" I snapped, "Jesus Christ." "Leo Jesus Christ?" said Auntie Meryl, "Is it one of those funny double-barrelled names?" "Right, that's it," I bluntly said, "I can't carry on this conversation with you. All I wanted was some advice on how I should speak to my son." "Just talk to him how you wanted your Mum to talk to you when you were a kid," said Auntie Meryl. "Without detailed information about sexual partners?" I said. "Well that would be a good start," said Auntie Meryl, "Remember, he's a kid, but also remember he's had to grow up fast, and he's still angry that he got left behind. We were all frozen whilst he was out there stuck with that nasty cow and fighting for his life. Maybe just keep that in mind." "Wow," I said, "It actually makes sense." "Of course, it does," said Auntie Meryl, "And if that doesn't work, get him to change that stupid double-barrelled name." I didn't address this last comment. I was taking what I could get!

The good news is that Roz has managed to get through to Kyle. I was sat in the living room with Leo before coming to bed and he skulked into the room and slouched himself up against the door. "So, you wanna go for a walk down near the beach or something tomorrow?" he casually asked. Inside I was jumping for joy but I tried to portray a calm demeanour. "Yeah, I'd like that," I said with a warm smile. "OK," said Kyle, "Whatever. See you tomoz." Kyle went upstairs and then Roz appeared. She looked at me and raised her eyebrows. "Cheers," I said. "Well you are his Dad at the end of the day," said Roz, "Just remember; you owe me one." Roz left. I was grateful that she'd spoken to Kyle and managed to get him to agree to spending time with me, but the whole 'you owe me one' attitude really annoyed me. Anyway, I'm going to look on he positive side and look forward to spending some time with Kyle; just me and him.