Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 785: Tuesday 20th November 2018

Entry 785
Tuesday 20th November 2018

I started my job at Sainsbury's in Cowes today. Oh. My. God. It was awful. I don't believe in God but if I did, I'd say he was b*stard who had it in for me. Although the afternoon was a mortifying nightmare it took a rather interesting and unexpected turn...

I rocked up at the local supermarket around 7am and met Trudy and Mike who were waiting for the manager to show up and open the place. "You excited to be starting your first day?" asked Mike. "Hmm," I said in an unenthusiastic tone, "Let's see what happens. As long as there's no big chested nympho who wants me to milk her like a cow, an angry farmer who can't stand me and a f*cking annoying journalist with an irritating dog, I am sure I'll be fine." "So, what's all this about you eating some sh*t?" Trudy bluntly asked. I rolled my eyes in despair. "Well," I sarcastically said, "I just fancied a snack, so I saw a bit of dog sh*t on the floor and thought why not?" Mike and Trudy both gave me a strange look. "I'm joking!" I exclaimed, "Jesus Christ. It was that bl**dy journalist." "You ate her sh*t?" asked Trudy. "No," I exclaimed, "Don't be stupid. I ate her dog's sh*t." "Oh, well that's much better," Trudy sarcastically said, "I mean eating dog sh*t is much better than eating human sh*t isn't it? You f*cking weirdo." "I didn't do it on purpose," I snapped, "It was all..." "Oh don't tell me," said Trudy, "It was all one big misunderstanding? Change the record." At that point a woman in her late twenties/early thirties with long dark hair and a face like a slapped arse walked up to us. "Morning you lot," she said with a firm tone and an air of authority, "Let's open up and try and have a good day. Mike, keep an eye on the front door, and Trudy make sure the bottles of water are stocked up. I need to stay in the back office most of today and update the credit system." I looked at the woman, raised my eyebrows and tried to get her attention. "Yes?" she bluntly said, "What's wring with you face?" "He's always looked like that," said Trudy, "He's just got one of those funny faces you want to hit with a brick." "I'm Luke," I said. "And?" the woman bluntly said. "I'm new," I said, "It's my first day." "Oh yes, of course," the woman said, suddenly realising, "Jon told me to expect you. I'm Catherine Rennison. I'm the manger here. I used to be the cleaner would you believe, but I've gone up in the ranks. You're the guy that was frozen for five weeks, aren't you?" "Yes, that's me," I said, "I kind of feel like a bit of a celebrity?" "I also saw you in the paper the other day," said Catherine, "You ate some dog poo, didn't you?" There was a slight pause and I felt embarrassed. "Looks like that celebrity feeling is wearing off," said Catherine, "Come on. Let's get you settled in. Trudy will you show you the ropes. She knows what she's doing." "Oh, cheers Catherine," said Trudy, "You're one of the best bosses I've ever had." Catherine unlocked the front shutter, lifted it up and then unlocked the doors and entered the supermarket. "She is such a tw*t," Trudy said to me, once Catherine was out of earshot, "She really thinks she's it. She never smiles and she walks around like she owns the f*cking place." "God you're a two-faced cow," I said to Trudy, "She is the manager you know." "Yeah but she doesn't own the place," said Trudy, "I suppose GRID own everything now. Anyway, I'm leaving early today so she can suck on that." "How come you're leaving early?" I asked. "I'm off to give Helen more of my blood," said Trudy. "You what?" I asked. "Helen Harvey," said Trudy, "She's one of the GRID scientists trying to work on a cure for the virus. Remember how special my blood is? Well I keep giving some of it to Helen so they can keep doing tests on it so maybe one day they'll find a cure." "Hmm," I said, unenthusiastically, "I'm starting to think they'll never find a cure."

Throughout the day I got to grips with my new job; stacking shelves, cleaning up, serving customers and getting used to the credit system. Early afternoon is when things took a turn for the worst. Trudy and I were sorting through a box of soft toys when I saw Katie walk into the store with her dog Cassie. "Oh sh*t!" I said, quickly jumping and hiding behind a pillar. "What's up?" asked Trudy. "It's her," I quietly said, "The one who's just come in with that dog." Trudy looked over. "That dog with some sort of a special nappy with it's leg in a cast?" Trudy asked. "Yes," I bluntly said, "She's the journalist who interviewed me and made up all that cr*p about me. It's her dog's sh*t that I ate. She can't see me." "Why is the dog wearing a nappy?" asked Trudy. "I stuck a mop up it's arse," I said, "Look, that doesn't matter just make sure she stays out of my way." "Got it," said Trudy, as she walked off and headed towards Katie, leaving me feeling worried, confused and annoyed. What the hell is she doing? I thought to myself. Trudy approached Katie with a fake customer service style smile on her face. "Hello Katie, love," she said, "You don't know me. My name's Trudy. I'm a friend of Luke's, the weirdo that tried to eat your dog's sh*t. I'm just letting you know that he's stood over there, hiding behind that pillar and he just wants you to stay out of his way. Alright?" Trudy then walked off, leaving me feeling totally annoyed and completely exposed. Katie and I locked eye contact. There was no avoiding her. I sheepishly appeared from behind the pillar as Katie approached me. "Afternoon Liam," she bluntly said. "My name's Luke," I said. "Hiding behind a pillar?" said Katie, "So you should be." "Actually," I said, suddenly feeling rather assertive, "I have nothing to be ashamed of. You're the one that printed all that b*llocks about me in the paper. If we had decent solicitors around here, I'd sue." "Nothing to be shamed of!?" exclaimed Katie, "You break my dog's leg and then stick a mop up her arse. Look at the poor little thing. She has to wear a special nappy and she needs helping going to the toilet. How would you like it if someone stuck a mop up your arse?" I looked down at Cassie with her leg in a cast and her lower half covered in some weird looking dog nappy. I did feel sorry for her. "Well, I'll say sorry for accidentally hurting your dog, if you say sorry for purposefully printing lies about me." "You expect me to believe that what you did was an accident?" exclaimed Katie, "You caused my poor Cassie severe internal damage. That wasn't an accident. It was your sick way of getting revenge. You're a brute. Twisted in the head." "It was an accident," I bluntly said, "If you don't believe me then that's your problem. You're the one that brought your p*ss happy dog into my house who started sh*tting and p*ssing all over the place. You should keep control of your f*cking mutt." "Mutt!?" exclaimed an offended Katie, "Mutt!? How dare you call my dog a mutt?!" Catherine produced a cuddly cat toy from the box that I was going through and hit me on the arm with it. It didn't hurt but this really p*ssed me off. I produced a stuffed cow from the box and hit Katie on the arm with it. "You can't do that," exclaimed Katie, "I'm a girl." "Oh, so you think girls can hit boys but boys can't hit girls?" I said, "You can f*ck right off." I then produced a cuddly bear from the box and her Katie with it on her other arm. What proceeded to follow was Katie and I randomly grabbing soft toys from the box and throwing them at each other as a small crowd started to gather and watch. Unfortunately, in the chaos (and I really don't know how this happened) but I ended up picking up Cassie and hurling her at Katie. My aim was off and poor Cassie ended up being somersaulted across the aisle. My heart sank and I gasped with horror as I watched Cassie go sailing through the air, as her nappy flew off, and who did she hit in the face who just happened to turning into the aisle? Tania! She was in her wheelchair and making her way around the supermarket with Aliyx when Cassie landed in her face, dropped in her lap and gave an almighty fart, followed by an explosion of sh*t from her damaged arsehole, which covered Tania's face. Cassie fell to the floor and as she flapped around in a panic, her wheelchair ended up rolling over Cassie's front leg (the one that wasn't in a cast) causing the poor Staffy to yelp in pain. Katie gave an almighty scream and ran towards Cassie as I looked on at the carnage surrounding me. That's when Catherine appeared. "What on Earth is going on here!?" she loudly and angrily exclaimed. The customers all looked over at me, giving me an angry and disappointing stare. "It's him!" Katie shouted, pointing at me and cradling her injured dog, "He's a monster! First, he assaults me with your soft toys and then he injures my dog. AGAIN!" "I didn't know it was your stupid dog!" I snapped, "I thought it was a soft toy." "Oh, that excuse again!?" exclaimed Katie. "I am covered in dog diarrhoea because of that stupid man!" Tania snapped. "Oh f*ck off," I snapped, "I'm not the one that sh*t on you!" "That man has had it in for me ever since he met me," said Tania. "And he's had it in for my dog too," snapped Katie. "It's your dog that's had it in for my carpet," I snapped. "Luke, go to my office and wait for me," said a firm Catherine, "I will deal with this."