Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 885: Thursday 28th February 2019

Entry 885
Thursday 28th February 2019

I've moved out!

I made myself look like a right idiot in front of Roz, I made things ten times worse with Kyle and I'm now living where I never thought I'd live.

I woke up in the morning and I was in a foul mood. That f*cking cow in the back garden was mooing loudly from the crack of dawn. My bedroom faces down over the back garden so I suffered more than everyone else. I picked Leo up out of his cot and stormed down stairs into the living room. I glanced over into the kitchen and saw that it was still full of Roz's clutter. This, along with the fact that the animals were still here and that the cow had ruined my sleep put me in a right grump! I was not happy. It didn't help that my jellyfish sting was also stinging too!

A couple of hours later Richard walked into the living room. "Good morning," he said. "Good morning?" I snapped, with fury on my face, "Are you kidding?" "It's not afternoon is it?" said Richard. "I'm on about it not being a good morning!" I snapped, "How can you sleep with that irritating cow making all that noise?" "Well my room isn't really near Roz's," said Richard. "No," I bluntly said, "I'm on about the ACTUAL cow in the back garden. The cow you said you'd move. When are you going to get it shifted?" "Well I need to wait for the owner to come round," said Richard, "I can't touch it. I don't like cows." "If you don't like cows then why have we got a cow in our back garden?" I bluntly asked. "Hmmm," said Richard, "You make a good point." Roz the appeared. Morning," she said, "You two are up early." "You'd be up early if your window over looked a noisy cow that used it's loud mooing to wake you up." "Yeah, come on Richard," said Roz, "Luke's got a point. The horse and the cow have got to go." "You're just as bad," I snapped at Roz. "Excuse me?" she said. "Roz, the kitchen is still a sh*t hole," I snapped. "Luke it's hardly a sh*t hole," said Roz, "There's a few bags and boxes around." "A few bags and bags!" I exclaimed, "It's like a f*cking rubbish tip in there." "I used to live next to a rubbish tip," said Richard, "It was handy when I wanted to empty the bins but the pungent smell of rotting food wasn't very pleasant." "Luke, you need to chill out," said Roz, "The kitchen will be sorted, and I'm sure Richard will get the cow and the horse sorted. Don't take it out on me because you're in a bad mood."

I got ready for work, handed Leo to Mum and when I opened the front door I stepped outside and again stood into a pig smelly pile of horse sh*t. I was furious. "THIS F*CKING HORSE!" I loudly snapped. I was going to be late for work, so I ended up taking off my shoe and storming through Cowes in a right huff as I made my way to the Conservative Club wearing only one shoe. I got some weird looks but I was too p*ssed off to care. When I got to work I cleaned my shoes and just hoped that the horse would be gone when I got home.

Work rather challenging. People who were reporting were saying that Kyle should be locked up, that I should be ashamed of a having a child killer for a son and that only a monster would want infected people killed if there was a chance of curing them. Apart from feeling like the most hated man in the Conservative Club it also made me think that Blade's campaign to make sure Natasha's proposals didn't get any support would fall on deaf ears.

When I got home the horse was still there. I walked into the front garden, looked the horse in the face and gave him furious stare. "I do not like you," I said. ACHOO! The horse once again jerked his head, sneezed and covered me in his sticky horse snot. I closed my eyes, felt angry and looked furious. "You f*cking evil horse," I aggressively said, "You're doing this on purpose." I opened the front door and walked into the living room. Richard was sat there and saw the state of my face. "What happened to you?" he asked. "THAT F*CKING HORSE!" I yelled, "He's sploodged all over me – AGAIN!" "Well did you get him excited?" asked Richard. "What?" I said. "You shouldn't really be going anywhere near his willy, Luke," said Richard. "He hasn't cum all over me, you idiot," I snapped, "He's sneezed on me. AGAIN! Richard, I swear to go if you don't get rid of that horse and that cow, I am going to do something I regret." "I've done plenty of things I regret," said Richard, "I once went to a restaurant that did Thai food. I didn't like it." Ignoring Richard, I stormed into the kitchen. It was still covered in all of Roz's clutter. "For f*cks sake," I snapped. I clambered past the clutter, opened the back door and went outside. The cow was still there. There was so much sh*t all over the back yard that you couldn't move freely. I slammed the door shut and stormed back into the living room. Ash and Mum were now there with Richard. Kyle was also there with Leo. They'd all just come in from a walk. "Bl**dy Hell," said Ash, "What's happened to you?" "I used to come home with my face looking like that after I'd worked a double shift at the sauna," said Mum. "I am sick to death of this f*cking house!" I loudly snapped. Looking at Mum and the others and with a furious look on my face I pointed towards the kitchen. "And I'm sick to death of living with that fat cow! I mean, why is she even here? None of us want her here! We haven't wanted her here since her fat unwanted arse got here.  It's cluttered to f*ck out there. Have you seen the state of it? You can't move because of her sh*t, and she has no idea how smelly she is. I was stood next to her yesterday and she f*cking stank. Every time she goes to the loo, she blocks the drains the fat old thing. We need to get rid. I've had enough. If she's not gone soon, I'm going to put a rope around her neck and drag her out of here myself. I swear to God if I was strong enough, I'd grab hold of her saggy t*ts and swing her round the back garden with 'em." I noticed the horrified expression on Richard's face. He slowly shook his head suggesting I should stop talking. Mum and Ash looked like they were cringing with discomfort and Kyle had a pessimistic expression on his face that suggested he wasn't surprised at what was occurring. "What?" I said to the four of them. Roz was stood right behind me in the living room doorway. She'd come downstairs as I'd re-entered the living room. She'd heard everything and thought I was talking about her. I turned around and saw the furious look on her face but I didn't go into my usual flustered desperate attempt to explain. "Don't start, Roz," I snapped, "I'm not in the mood." "I beg your pardon?" snapped Roz. "Oh, you heard me," I snapped. "Don't you stand there, slag me off behind my back and then tell me you're not in the mood when I confront you," snapped Roz. "Oh Roz, wake up," I snapped, "I wasn't talking about you." "You said you're sick of living with that fat cow, that you don't know why she's ere, that you don't want me here and that you can't move for all my sh*t," said Roz, "What am I supposed to think?" "You're supposed to think I'm talking about the bl**dy massive cow in the back garden you dumb dyke," I snapped. "WHAT!?" Roz loudly snapped. "Luke, just say sorry to Roz," said Ash. "What the f*ck for?" I snapped, "I haven't done anything. I wasn't having a go at her." "Just say sorry," said Ash. "Oh f*ck off you patronising pr*ck," I snapped, "All you ever do is make me tea and give me patronising put-downs. Go and f*ck yourself." "Luke, stop it," said Mum. "Oh yeah," I snapped, "Like I'm going to take any sort of advice from Lilly Savage. You make Dorian from Birds of Feather look like Maria von Trapp from The Sound of Music. So, you can just f*ck off. I've had a sh*t day. In fact, I've had a sh*t few days. No, actually, it's been sh*t ever since I got out of the freezer in Sector. Now I've just told you all, that I was talking about the cow in the back garden, not Roz. You'd know if I was having a go at her because instead of talking about an annoying fat cow, I'd have been talking about a tofu chomping, tree hugging, soy bean munching, politically correct labia loving liberal lesbian hairy hippy." "Oi," snapped Kyle, handing Leo to Mum, "Don't talk to Roz like that." "Kyle, it's OK," said Roz. "No, it's not," said a firm Kyle, "He can't talk to you like that. He hates it when everyone has a go at him but it's OK for him to do it? I don't think so. You know Luke, when you f*ck up – which you do a lot, you always say; Oh no, it was a misunderstanding, but when someone f*cks up you just go and strop. Talk about double standards." "Kyle. Don't start," I firmly said, "Yeah well, I'm not in the mood either," Kyle snapped, "I'm not in the mood for your sh*t. You can't speak to Roz like that. She's been more of a Dad to me than you." "Oh, that again," I said, rolling my eyes, "I'm a bad Dad blah blah blah. Maybe Roz is a better Dad because she's got more f*cking hair on her chest than I have." "No," snapped Kyle, "It's cos she was there and you weren't. She made Mum happy and you didn't. Actually, you don't make anyone happy, do you? Mum left you and didn't want me to know about you. I think we all know why. Leo's Mum didn't want you to know about him; again, I think we all know why. There's a pattern with the Mothers of your children not wanting you to know you're a Dad. Your own Mother ditched you and didn't speak to you for years. Everyone knows you like Naomi but even she doesn't want to get close to you; maybe cos she knows that you'll drop her like a hot potato when another woman comes along. You slag TJ off for a pr*ck to women, but you're just as bad. God, talk about being a hypocrite. I can see why Mum didn't want you in my life. I was better off without. Maybe we're all better off without. It's a good job this Robbie kid that you were close died when he did. His Mum obviously didn't to see what a f*ck up you are like mine and Leo's did."