Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 762: Sunday 28th October 2018

Entry 762
Sunday 28th October 2018

Today's been a really full-on day. I lost my temper and nearly ended up being banged up!

After having an amazing night's sleep, I got up, gave Leo a kiss and then walked into the kitchen where Ash had made me a cup of tea and Mum had made me some toast. Apparently, there's somewhere on the Island that makes bread! I told Mum and Ash that I wanted to speak to Mike today and asked them to tell me where he lived. Knowing how angry I was, they were reluctant to tell me, but I eventually got it out of them. They told me he was living with TJ a few streets away. I didn't hang around. I got ready, left Leo with Mum, and feeling ready for action I stormed around to Mike and TJ's.

I arrived at Mike and TJ's house; a similar looking terraced through house to mine, Mums and Ash's, I took a deep breath, frowned with assertiveness and confidently walked up to the door. I clenched my fist, boldly knocked on the door three times and waited for someone to answer. A few moments later TJ answered the door with Primark in his hands and a stressed look on his face. "Nanna!" he loudly said, "F*ck me! I heard you were out of the freezer. Look at you. Back in the land of the living. We thought you were all as good as dead. Come in, you can help me with this little terror. Trudy's at work, this one's got a stomach bug and I need to have a sh*t." TJ handed Primark to me and ran off upstairs to the toilet.

I walked straight into his living room; a similar to set up to the house I was staying in. The coffee table in the living room was splattered with soft porn magazines. Any idiot could tell TJ lived here. "Sorry Nanna!" TJ called down, "I've been having a lot of spicy food!" A huge fart echoed down the stairs. "OOOOOW!" TJ loudly said, "It's like there's an earthquake going off in my arse!" Another loud fart made its way down the stairs. "Jesus Christ! Talk about ring sting!" TJ exclaimed loudly, "F*ck me this is a big one. Oh . . . Hang on . . . It's coming out now!" An even louder fart travelled down the stairs. "Bl**dy Hell, it's like I'm pushing my bowels out!" TJ loudly said. I heard yet another extremely loud fart. "OOOOOW!" TJ loudly said, "This is something f*cking special. It's all starting to come out now! I don't know about a toilet, but I think I need a f*cking mid-wife." Again – another loud fart was heard. "Oh f*ck me!" TJ loudly said, "This sh*te's going to have a pulse! I've nearly squeezed it all out now!" "TJ, I don't need the running commentary on you having your sh*t!" I shouted up to him, "Just tell me where Mike is." "Hang on Nanna," TJ loudly said, "I'm just wiping my arse! Give me a minute!" A few moments later, the toilet was flushed and TJ re-entered the living room. "Everything feels better after a banging sh*t doesn't it?" said TJ, "Anyway, how does it feel to be out of the freezer? This place is alright isn't it? Food, water, it's great isn't it? Mind you I could finger a pensioner for a big piece of steak. Blade's trying to get something set up with a load of cows. You never know, we might actually end up getting some steak and beef. This place is like paradise; no infected, no ACROBAT nutters, and there's so much tidy minge here. I've had a b*tch hanging off the end of my c*ck every other day." I handed Primark back to TJ and bluntly asked him where Mike was. "He's at work," said TJ. "Work?" I asked. "Yeah, he's a security guard at Sainsbury's in Cowes – well he actually patrols the top part of the high street." I turned around and stormed off, heading towards the pedestrianised High Street. Still with Primark in his hands, TJ started running after me.

As I marched towards the centre of Cowes, TJ asked me what was going on and why I was so angry. I told him I wasn't happy and that I wanted to have a serious word with his brother.

When I arrived in Cowes, I stormed into Sainsbury's with TJ right behind me. "Right then," I firmly said, "Where is he?" I looked left, I looked right and then I heard a voice that I knew was Mike's. I assertively marched down an aisle, clenched my fists, frowned with fury and turned a corner to see the back of Mike, wearing a security guard's uniform. He was talking to a small group of people. TJ joined me and asked me what I was going to do. Mike had no idea that I was stood behind him. I listened to him for a while as I stared at the back of his head feeling my anger steadily increasing. "Oh, you should have seen him," said Mike, "I grabbed hold of his neck, squeezed as hard as I could and then I cracked his head open. There was blood everywhere. You should have seen it. Dirty little piggy. He deserved it. I swung him round the room, chucked him on the floor and then stood on his head and splattered what was left of his skull." I thought Mike was talking about Kyle. With my gritted teeth and fists tightly clenched, I stood there feeling an intense amount of fury as I started shallow breathing with anger. When I heard Mike laughing, something just snapped in me. I reached for the closest thing to me, gripped it in my hand and whacked Mike around the head with it as I gave a loud furious roar. Mike turned around, I pushed him to the floor and straddled him as I continued whacking him with my chosen implement. I was shouting at him telling him much I hated him and how much I wanted him dead. I then realised halfway through my assault that my chosen implement was a French baguette! Trudy then appeared. "What the f*ck is going on?" she asked TJ. "I don't bl**dy know," said TJ, "Nanna's come out of the freezer and lost it." "Well don't just stand there you big t*t," snapped Trudy, "Be a man and drag him off. He's beating your brother up for God's sake." "Yeah with a baguette," said TJ. "Just do something!" Trudy exclaimed. TJ rolled his eyes, handed Primark to Trudy and tried to drag me off Mike, but I wasn't having any of it.