Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 918: Tuesday 2nd April 2019

Entry 918
Tuesday 2nd April 2019

My name is Richard Brown.

Roz and Naomi have asked me to write in Luke's diary so he has something to read from us all when he comes out of his coma.  I think we should be saying IF he comes out of his coma. He really doesn't look too good. In fact, he looks half dead already. His skin is really pale. He looks like a ghost – like he's ready to be put in the ground already.

I hope he does get well though. I hate coming to hospitals and I can't stand funerals. I really don't feel comfortable in hospitals; all those sick people and strange smells, and you can guarantee that when you use a vending machine it has nothing in it that you like, or if it does have something in it you like, it always ends up getting stuck in the machine. As for funerals; well, I've never really liked them. Loads of sad people just moping around and crying. I don't like being around people when they're crying. I don't really like being around people when they're really happy either. Crying or happy they tend to make lots of noise and want lots of attention. That's not really my thing.

Luke's OK. I mean he complains a lot, and he always seems to end up in some sort of awful situation that involves him putting his foot in his mouth, but I don't feel as uncomfortable around him as I do some of the others. He's OK, but I don't want to keep coming here. He can't see me and he can't hear me so I don't know what the point is. I just want to be at home. Mind you, I don't really like being at home at the minute. Roz has got all of her vegan stuff in the kitchen and she keeps trying to make me eat things that look like cactus and smell like grass, Kyle always looks angry, Ash is always telling me off and saying that I am in the way and Lynn keeps trying to have sex with me. I'm tempted to get a tent and go and live in a tent somewhere, but I don't like camping and I've never really been a fan of the outdoors.

I wish we were back at the zoo. It smelt funny and a lot of the animals scared me but I was used to it. Anyway, I suppose I'm meant to write something positive for Luke to read if he wakes up. Let me think... Err.... Well... Hmm.... It's hard to find something positive. I suppose it's good that Luke's not dead yet. Another positive thing is that the rubber studs at the bottom of the legs on the chair that I'm sat on have still got some good grip on them, so that means if Luke stays in a coma for another week it's good news for me because it means the chair I've been sitting on has still got some good grip and won't go sliding all over the place like the chair Ash has been sat on. I also found out that the morgue is just down the corridor, so I suppose another positive is that if Luke dies, he won't have far to go.

I just told Roz what I wrote that I thought was positive and she said I should try writing something nice. I suppose Luke's skin is a just the right shade of pale white to match the pale green gown that he's in.

Anyway. I hope you get well soon, Luke. I don't really like it here. You're in a coma so you don't know how weird it feels or how bad it smells. Maybe that's another positive thing?