Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 886: Friday 1st March 2019

Entry 886
Friday 1st March 2019

God I'm p*ssed off. I really don't think I'm going to be able to handle living here with TJ, Trudy, Mike and Primark.

The first problem was when I was woken up the middle of the night with a fright. I was laid in bed drifting in and out of sleep, when I turned round and noticed Mike stood at the end of my bed, completely naked, just stood there staring at me. I gave a sudden gasp which was followed by a loud shriek. "AAAAGH!!!" I loudly yelled, "Jesus Christ Mike, what the Hell are you doing? You scared the sh*t out of me. It's the early the hours of the morning. What are you doing stood there with nothing on? Put some clothes on for God's sake!" Mike didn't move. He just stood there looking at me. It was weird. Trudy then appeared in her dressing gown and stood next to Mike. "What's up?" she said, "What are you shouting for?" I widened my eyes, looked at naked Mike and then looked at Trudy. "Are you blind?" I gasped, pointing at Mike, "Look! Wouldn't you scream if a naked man walked into your bedroom in the dead of night?" "Yeah," said Trudy, "But it'd probably be through excitement rather than fear. What are you sh*tting yourself for? It's only Mike." "He's stood there naked, just looking at me!" I yelled. "He's sleepwalking you daft pr*ck," said Trudy, "He's been doing it for a few weeks. Didn't he tell you?" "No, he f*cking didn't," I snapped. "Oh, don't poo your pants," said Trudy, "He just wanders about sometimes. Just put the lock on your bedroom door. He'll find his own way back to his bedroom. Come on Mike." Trudy took Mike by the shoulders and started to guide him out of my room. "Honestly Luke," said Trudy, looking back at me and rolling her eyes, "Screaming like a girl. Haven't you seen a naked man before?" "Not in my bedroom in the middle of the night," I snapped. "You should think yourself lucky," giggled Trudy, "I'd give my right arm to wake up to find a naked bloke at the end of bed." Trudy then guided Mike out of my room and went back to bed.

In the morning I was trying to get to grips with the bathroom. Hot water comes out of the cold tap and cold water comes out of the hot tap and the toilet had to be flushed twice to completely get rid of your poo. I was in the middle of having a shower (that took ages to figure out too!) when all of sudden TJ burst in, pulled his jeans and pants down and sat on the loo. "What the f*ck are you doing!?" I loudly snapped. "What does it look like I'm doing?" said TJ, "I'm having a sh*t." "TJ, I'm in the f*cking shower!" I exclaimed. "Yeah, I know," said TJ, "I'm not blind." "Well get out then!" I yelled. "Oh, chill out Elizbeth, it's I'm not gunna have a sh*t in there with you," said TJ, "Oh hang on. I think I need a bit of wood to bite down on for this." TJ then tensed up, winced and tightened his face as he farted loudly and then looked relieved as the poo loudly and rather violently left his arse. The sloppy sounds that emanated from his arse echoed across the bathroom and were frankly disgusting. "OH MY GOD, GET OUT!" I yelled. "Luke, I've got sh*t coming out of my arse," said TJ, "What do you want me to do? Stand up and leave a nice brown trail behind me?" "Just hurry up!" I snapped, "Oh my God, that f*cking stinks! What have you been eating!?" "Your Mum," smiled TJ. "Just f*ck off you smelly b*stard!" I snapped. "Yeah alright, Nanna," said TJ. "How the Hell did you even get in here?" I snapped, "I put the lock on the bathroom door!" "It doesn't work properly," said TJ, as he grabbed some toilet roll and started to wipe his arse." "Of course, it doesn't," I bluntly said, rolling my eyes. TJ, finished wiping his arse, pulled his jeans and pants up and flushed the toilet. This made the shower blast out freezing cold water out of the shower head. "AAAAGH!" I loudly gasped, "TJ, you f*cking pr*ck. You can see I'm in the shower." "Make your mind up Elizabeth," said TJ, "Do you want to be left in here with the stench of my sh*t or not?" TJ then started to leave. "Hang on," I said, "You can't go yet. You've got to flush it twice or it won't all flush away. "Yeah but the cistern needs to fill back up," said TJ. "Yeah," I said, "So wait for it to fill up and flush it again." "F*ck off gay-boy" said TJ, "I'm not staying in here watching you and your little c*ck have a shower." "So, you're just going to leave me in here with your smelly sh*t?" I snapped. "Yeah," said TJ, "Flush it when it fills back up." TJ then left. I drew the curtain shut and continued with my shower. A few moments later I turned round, gasped and jumped back at what I saw. It was Mike. He'd gotten into the shower and was now stood in front of me naked. "Morning babes," he said. "Mike what are you doing?" I snapped. "Having a shower," said Mike. "With me!?" I snapped. "Well yeah," I said, "We're best friends. Best friends do everything together." "Not showering," I bluntly said. "It's just like the old days isn't it?" said Mike. "Mike, this isn't normal," I said, "Grown men don't shower together." "What about football players and rugby players?" said Mike. "We're not football players or rugby players," I bluntly said. "Oooh, we could go play football on the beach," said Mike. "Mike, I've seen enough of you naked recently," I said. "Eh?" said Mike. "You turning up in bedroom last night," I exclaimed, "Sleepwalking naked." "Oh yeah," said Mike, "I do that now. It's OK. I won't hurt you. Mind you, I did it once when I had my knob in my hand and TJ thought I was going to whack him in the face with it." "You mean the knob to your door?" I said. "Yeah," said Mike, "What else would I mean? Do you want me to do you back for you?" "No, I don't want you to do my back for me," I said, "In fact, can you just get out? I want to shower on my own." "Oh, OK," said Mike, looking a bit sad. He then exited the shower and put a towel around his waist. "I'll leave you to it babes," said Mike, "Mind you I'll flush all this sh*t away. You don't want to smell that do you?" Mike then flushed the toilet once again causing the water that was being blasted out of the shower head to turn freezing cold resulting in me yet again screaming like a girl.