Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 877: Wednesday 20th February 2019

Entry 877
Wednesday 20th February 2019

I went to Blade's steering group today. Very interesting but also very annoying and extremely embarrassing!

Everyone in the house was in a mood with me this morning. Leo was crying all through the night and kept us all up. God knows what's wrong with him. "Luke, I hardly got a wink of sleep," said Ash, "What the Hel is wring with your son?" "I don't bl**dy know do I?" I said, "He's only one. It's what one-year old's do." "Well he hasn't cried like this before," said Ash, "Get it sorted." "I think you might need to take him to a doctor, sausage," said Mum. "Not yet," I said, "I'll keep an eye on him." "Well I don't know if I'm going to to be on top of my game at this steering group thing," said Mum, "I need my full eight hours beauty sleep to function on all cylinders." "You're coming?" I gasped. "Of course, I am," I said, "Blade asked me. He said I had a valuable contribution." "You just want to get your own back at Natasha," said Ash. "No!" I exclaimed, "Well, maybe that's part of it, but like Blade said; what Natasha is suggesting is bl**dy dangerous and if we all get together, we need to make her see sense. Is your sister going?" "I think she is," said Ash, "Why? Now Natasha's out of the picture do you want to have a pop at her?" "Oh, Ash, shut up," I said, "It would just be nice to see her." "Hmmm," said a cynical Ash.

We all walked to Cowes Conservative Club and prepared ourselves to take part in the steering group. Kyle stayed at home with Leo and also with Richard who said he didn't like the idea of being around too many different people talking about too many different things. When Mum, Roz, Ash and I arrived at the club we walked upstairs to a large function room and saw a load of rectangular tables positioned to make a U shape. Blade was sat at the top of the table next to Helene Harvey and Sci-Fi Cyn. Mike, TJ and Trudy were already there. "Here is," said TJ, pointing at me, "Elizabeth Lucy. Been on any dates with any sumo wrestlers lately or are you just sticking to people that pretend to want to date you." "Leave him alone TJ," said Mike, "Babes, we can go and build sandcastles after this if you want?" "Not today Mike," I said, "Maybe tomorrow." "Jon, everyone here knows each other," said Roz, "Haven't you invited anyone else from the island?" "Yes, but the ones I invited didn't seem interested in attending" said Blade, "And to be heist you guys have experienced the infected over on the mainland so I think you're all the best people to have here." "That's right," said TJ, "Cream of the crop."

At that moment Naomi entered. "Hi everyone," she said, "Am I late? Sorry. The babysitter turned up late." "It's OK Naomi," said Blade, "We're just about to start." Naomi and I exchanged awkward smiles. "You alright?" I asked. "Hmm," said Naomi, "You...?" "Not bad," I said. "How's Leo?" "Not bad," I said, "He's actually crying a lot at the moment." "Alright Romeo and Juliet," said TJ, "You can both sit on each other's faces later. We've got a meeting to be getting on with." "I was in a rather risk-ay version of Romeo and Juliet," said Mum, "It was called Romeo DOES Juliet. I played Juliet and there was rather a lot of sitting on each other's face going on." "Mum, shut up," I bluntly said, "No one wants to hear about your blue movies." "Oh, I don't know," said TJ, "I'm up for learning." "Will you both shut up?" I snapped. "'Ere, Naomi, where's the little rug rat?" asked TJ. "She's at home with the babysitter watching a DVD of Paw Patrol," said Naomi. "I used to have a DVD like that," said TJ, "Porn Patrol. I think Lynn was in it." "Jesus, will you be quiet?" I firmly said.  "Can we make a start?" asked Blade. "Isn't there any food?" asked Trudy. "We haven't got any food I'm afraid," said Helen. "Well that's sh*t," said Trudy, "People only come to these things or free food. No biscuits or anything?" "I'm just in the mood for a fry up," said TJ. "Ooooh a fry up sounds nice," said Mike, "But I don't like tomatoes with mine." "I like everything with mine," said TJ. "Me too," said Mum, "I like dipping my sausage in the bean juice." "I've dipped my sausage in your bean juice a few times haven't I, Lynn"? giggled TJ. "You certainly have" giggled Mum. "Oh my God, will you both please stop it!?" I loudly snapped. "Oh, shut up, Luke," said Mum, "People have sex. It's normal. You could have dipped your nib in Natasha's ink if you hadn't have ballsed it up." "Ballsed it up!?" I exclaimed, "She was lying to me to get information." "Natasha?" said Naomi, "The woman who's set up this group about infected having rights?" "Yeah," said TJ, "Elizabeth went on a date with her but she was only pretending to be interested in him. Mind you that was better than his date with Hurley from Lost. If she's have been wearing red, she'd have looked like Santa Clause. She already had a bit of a beard." "I remember one year I had to dress up as Santa Claus for the kids in Luke's school," said Mum, "He was about ten and the man who was supposed to be playing Santa just didn't turn up so I said I'd do it. I went upstairs to the staff room and Luke's science teacher Mr Dobbs helped me into my costume but do you know, he was such a flirt. He kept making jokes about emptying his sack and all that." "Oh God, Mum, please shut up," I said. "He said he wanted to stroke my beard," continued Mum, "And I said I' let him stroke my beard – downstairs." "Oh my God, that's disgusting!" I exclaimed. "Downstairs in my grotto!" said Mum. "UUUGH! That's worse!" I yelled. "Can we please focus on why we're here," said Roz. "Hang on," said Trudy, "If there isn't any food, can we have any music?" "Look," said Helen, pointing at the jugs of water placed along the tables, "There's water." "Frig me," said Trudy, "I'll be p*ssing like a raising race if I drink all that. Just put some music on." "Trudy, we can't concentrate with music playing," said Ash. "I can," said Trudy, "I find it easier to concentrate when there's some music on in the background. Well, I find it easier to look like I'm concentrating. Come on Jon we want to see a bit of Oasis or Savage Garden." "We've all seen your savage garden," said TJ. "Shut your mouth or I'll be burying you under a garden," said Trudy. "Can we all get back to why we're here?" said Roz, "We're meant to be talking about this bl**dy annoying woman." "Come on Roz," giggled TJ, pointing at Trudy, "She's sat right there." "I'm going to cut your c*ck off and feed it to you if you don't shut up," snapped Trudy. "Well at least you'd be able to see my c*ck," said TJ, "Elizabeth's miniscule c*ck could hide behind a stray strand of hair." At that point I stood up and snapped at TJ. "Will you stop saying I've got a tiny c*ck!?" I loudly snapped, "My cock is perfectly... adequate!" "That's right," said Mike. "There's nothing wrong with the size of my c*ck. It might not be massive bit it's certainly not tiny! In fact, I think the size of my c*ck is OK. It's fine. I'll get it our right now if you want!" A slight cough echoed across the room. We all turned and saw a man in his late thirties with long hair stood in the doorway to the function room. He looked rather confused and scared. I don't blame him. He'd just heard a man telling a room full of people that he was going to whip his c*ck out. "I'm not sure if I'm in the right place," said the man with a strong Irish accent, "I'm here about the steering group." "Oh great," said Trudy, "Someone's left the door open and we've got p*ssheads wandering in now." "What makes you think he's p*ssed?" asked Ash. "Listen to him," said Trudy, "He's slurring his words. He can't speak properly. It's arseholed." "Trudy, he's Irish," I said. "Wonderful," said a cynical Trudy, "An Irish p*sshead. We'll never get him out of here." "Trudy you sound really xenophobic," said Ash. "Oh, shut up," said Trudy, "I don't give a toss if he's gay." "Come in," said Mum, jumping to her feet, offering the man a handshake and getting inappropriately close to him, "I'm Lynn Deakin." Mum smiled at the man and batted her eyelids. It was embarrassing! "He's my son," Mum said, pointing at me, "I know I don't look old enough to have a son in his forties." "I'm not in my forties," I bluntly said. "I mean, I know I look younger than him," said Mum, "It doesn't look like I'm his Mum does it? It looks like he's my Dad. Anyway, what's your name?" "I'm Antony Fisher," said the man. "You have lovely long hair," said Mum as she stroked Antony's hair and touched his arms "And you have very strong arms too." "I keep myself busy," said Antony, "I take kids on days out and do some deliveries for GRID. I suppose I'm a bit of a postman." "Oooh," said Mum, "I'll have to give you my address. Maybe you can put a big package through my flap and into my hole." "Oh. My. God." I said burying my head in my hands. "This is Antony," said Blade, "He survived on his own on the mainland for a while too. I told Mum she was embarrassing me and myself and told her to car her age.