Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 786: Wednesday 21st November 2018

Entry 786
Wednesday 21st November 2018

I caught up with Auntie Meryl today, and I also saw Blade which has left me feeling rather suspicious.

In the morning I went to see Auntie Meryl and Trudy. When I walked into their house Trudy was playing with Primark on the sofa. "Morning," I said, "Where's Auntie Meryl?" "She's in the kitchen," said Trudy, "ow what the flying f*ck was all that sh*t yesterday? Your first day and you chuck a big dog shaped sh*t bomb at some poor old bird in a wheel chair?"  "Don't start," I said. "I'm surprised you didn't get sacked," said Trudy, "I bet Catherine was rough on you." "You could say that," I said. "You've got to stop getting yourself into all these scrapes!" said Trudy. "I don't do it on purpose," I said. "Yeah but this weird sh*t always seems to happen to you," said Trudy, "That poor Staffy's going to have no legs left at this rate if you keep kicking the sh*t out of her." Auntie Meryl then walked into the living room and Trudy handed Primark to her. "Right then," said Trudy, "I'm off to go give Helen some more of my blood. Luke, try not to eat any sh*t or stick a mop up anyone's arse." Trudy gave Primark and kiss and then left. I turned to Auntie Meryl and was about to tell her about Mum not coming home when interrupted me. "You've had sex," she firmly said, pointing her accusatory finger at me. How the hell does she always know this stuff! I thought to myself. I started to squirm as I struggled to find the right words to say. A strange silence lingered for a while as Auntie Meryl gave me a rather judgemental and disappointed look. "Wel,l I don't know what you're talking about." I sheepishly said with obvious guilt written all over my face. "Oh, look at you," said Auntie Meryl, "Standing there like butter wouldn't melt. Well you can't fool me. You've gone as red as a London bus. Come on. Who was it? Some slapper fried of your Mothers?" "Auntie Meryl," I said, "I don't really want to talk to you about my sex life." "Ah, so you do have a sex life," exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "I knew it. Come on. Where have you been dipping your wick? I hope you took precautions. The last thing we need with the state everything's in, is another mouth to feed." Auntie Meryl actually made a really good point. Catherine and I didn't take precautions and whilst the sex was... memorable, I cannot have another baby. I just can't. Auntie Meryl's throw away comment has made me realise that I might need to have an uncomfortable conversation with Catherine... "So come on," said Auntie Meryl, "I want to know who you've been with." "Look, there's nothing to tell," I said, lying through my teeth, "You want me to spill the beans but there's no beans to spill." "Well, I think you've spilled more than your beans you dirty sod" said a blunt Auntie Meryl, "Come on. Don't stand there lying to me. I know what you've been up to. Sowing your seed in the field of lust. Who was it? Was it Trudy? Please God, tell me it wasn't Trudy. I can't be doing with another kid in this house." "God no!" I exclaimed, "I wouldn't go anywhere near her." Well tell me who you've been with," exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "Come on, tell me!" "Mia!" I loudly said. God knows why I said that! It was the first name that came into my head and I couldn't tell her it was Catherine. I'm too scared what Catherine would do to me if she found out. Silence lingered for a moment. "Yes of course," said Auntie Meryl, "I suppose it all makes sense now. You're the father of her baby, aren't you? That's why you wanted her to live with you, Ash and your Mum.  I always thought you two were a bit too close for a man and a woman. Mind you, I don't know what a good-looking thing would see in such an oddball." "Mia's not that odd," I said. "I'm on about you!" exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "Mia might be a few bricks short of a full house but she's a pretty little thing. I'm surprised she'd want to go anywhere near you. No offence." "Yeah, well quite a lot taken, thanks," I said. "So, she's up the duff and you're the father," said Auntie Meryl, rolling her eyes, "You and your kids. They're like buses. There's none when you want them, and then all of a sudden, a load show up at once!  So, are you and Mia an item?" "Well, I don't really know," I said, "I mean it's complicated. Just promise me you won't tell anyone what I've told you?" Auntie Meryl couldn't understand what the fuss was about or why it had to be a big secret. I begged her not to tell anyone what I'd told her and even though she said she wouldn't, I'm not totally convinced she will. I really hope she does though. The last thing I need is any more confusion. I wish I hadn't brought Mia's name into it, but Auntie Meryl is like a sniffer dog when it comes to my sex life so I had to say something. I could have just lied and invented a one-night stand but she can tell when I'm lying just like she can tell when I've had sex. I really hope I haven't made things worse for myself.... I told Auntie Meryl about Mum and how she hasn't been home in ages but she just said that this was typical behaviour of middle-aged old slag with the morals of a stray alley cat. I can kind of see her point but Mum has never been AWOL for long as this. Auntie Meryl told me to speak to Blade if I was really worried...

Later in the day I went to see Jon and I told him about how Mum has been missing for about a week. I knocked on Blade's front door and when he answered I didn't beat about the bush. I told him that as much as it pained me to say it, I was worried about the dirty old slapper. I noticed the look on Blade's face when I told him. An expression that suggested some sort of guilt; as if he knew something. "OK," said Blade, "Leave it with me and I'll look into it." Blade then attempted to shut his front door but I stopped him. "Whoa, hang on a minute," I said, "What's going on? What's with that face?" "What do you mean?" asked Blade. "Oh, don't give me that," I said, "I've got eyes. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you looked guilty." Blade gave a slight chuckle. "Luke, what exactly are you implying?" he asked. "Well, nothing, really," I said, "It's just..." "It's just what?" Blade asked, interrupting me and giving me a stern stare. I paused for a moment and picked my words carefully. "You just look like you know something, that's all," I said. "I don't know anything," said a firm Blade, "I just feel concerned when I receive reports of people going missing." "Reports?" I said, "So I'm not the first? Have others told you about people going missing?" Blade's stern stare intensified. "Look Luke," he assertively said, "Don't go looking for a conspiracy and don't looking to p*ss people off. Especially me.  From what I hear about your recent behaviour you can't afford to go p*ssing people off. I've said I'll look into it and I will, OK?" There was a slight pause. Something didn't feel right but Blade is a pretty intimidating guy so I nodded, said thankyou and left. Call me paranoid but I think Blade knows more than he's letting on. The look on his face definitely suggested he was hiding something. Let's see if he manages to find anything out.

I definitely need to have a chat with Catherine about taking contraception. I love Leo but the last thing I need is another kid. Mind you I'm not sure if I can handle any more sex with Catherine. After yesterday's rough sexual antics my nipples are still chafing and my arsehole is aching like hell. What the hell did that woman put up there!?