Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 884: Wednesday 27th February 2019

Entry 884
Wednesday 27th February 2019

What a day! The cow and the horse are still here; they're getting on my nerves, Roz is getting on my nerves, Kyle is STILL avoiding me and I made my apology to Sci-Fi Cyn but she made me do it in an even more embarrassingly awkward way than I thought she would, and then to end the day I once again made an idiot of myself in front of Antony Fisher.

When I woke up in the morning, I came downstairs and saw Ash at the bottom of the stairs. "Morning," I said. "I'm not getting involved," said Ash, putting his hands up. "What do you mean?" I asked. I looked into the kitchen and saw that Roz had completely taken over the place with weird organics health food and supplies to do with natural foods. There were wooden crates, carboard boxes and packs of seeds all of the place. "What the Hell's all this?" I asked. "Well I want to do more to enhance my vegan lifestyle so I thought I'd grow a vegetable garden." Where?" I exclaimed. "In the back garden, silly," said Roz. "You want to grow a vegetable garden in the back garden?" I bluntly said. "I'm detecting a hint of disapproval, Luke," said Roz, "What's wrong with me growing a vegetable garden in the back garden?" "There's a f*cking massive great big cow taking up nearly two thirds of the entire space," I exclaimed, "What are you going to do? Sow seeds and plant bulb's around its arse?" "Luke, why do you have to be so negative?" Roz, firmly said, "Look at all this stuff; it's amazing. Did you know there's loads of great stuff that's grown right here on the Isle of Wight? Sweetcorn, apples, eucalyptus, apricots, rapeseed." "Roz," I bluntly said, "I need to use the kitchen. I can't get to anything." "Oh, it won't be for long," said Roz, picking up a see-through zip bag with beans in it and showing it to me enthusiastically, "Look at these." "What are they?" I asked, "Beans?" "Soybeans," said Roz, "We can make humous. We can even make soymilk." "Soymilk?" I said. "Yeah," said Roz, "It's easy. You just put all the beans in water, rub them so you get the skins off, fish the skins out and add them to a compost or something, put the beans in a blender, add some water, blitz it, then get a mesh bit of cloth, place in a jug, put the milk from the blender into the mesh and it will filter through to the jug giving you some lovely raw soy milk. We just need to boil the soymilk for a few minutes to get rid of the nasty stuff that's still there. Then we leave it to simmer for about half an hour and after that it's ready. We've got our own soymilk." I gave Roz a rather blunt look. "Roz," I plainly said, "Why would we want to take an hour to make some bl**dy soymilk?" "Well we're going to need milk," Roz said. "There's a bl**dy great big cow in the back yard!" I loudly snapped. "Luke, you can only milk a cow when it's pregnant," said Roz, "Look. I've got seeds, and once we grow things like tomatoes and peppers we can use the seeds from those and re-plant." "Yeah," I said, "I know. I've done this sort of stuff before. Personally, don't understand how you can still be a vegan when the f*cking world has ended?" "The world hasn't ended Luke," said Roz, "Its changed." "Whatever," I said, "Can you just get all these bags and boxes out of the way so I can have a cup of tea before work?" "Well I won't have the soymilk ready by then," said Roz. "I don't want f*cking soymilk," I snapped, "I want normal milk." "What have you got against soymilk?" asked a firm Roz, "Are you saying soymilk isn't normal?" "Oh, for God's sake," I snapped, as I turned round and walked into the living room, "All I want is a cup of tea and I get the third degree." Richard was sat in the armchair. "That was a band Diann Ross was in," he said. "That's the three degrees," I said. "I never really liked them," said Richard. "Richard," I bluntly said, pointing towards the back of the house, "How long is that f*cking annoying cow going to be out there for?" "I don't know," said Richard, "She only got back with all those bags and boxes about ten minutes ago." "Not Roz, you idiot!" I exclaimed, "I'm talking about the actual cow in the back yard. She needs moving so Roz can get all that sh*t out of the kitchen." "I'm going to try and get it all sorted today," said Richard. "Well make sure you do," I said. Kyle then appeared with Leo who was sucking on a little lollipop. He saw me, rolled his eyes and turned round and started to go back upstairs. "Hang on Kyle," I said, "You don't have to go because of me. I'm going to work but me and you need to talk. This has gone on long enough." Leo offered me a suck of his lollipop. "Oh, OK," I said, with a smile on my face, "Can I have a bit of your lolly?" I went to suck Leo's lolly but he pulled it away and put his hand over his eyes. He's started doing this a lot. "Oh, you want me to close my eyes, do you?" I said, "Oh Ok." I closed my eyes and sucked Leo's lolly. He laughed. Bless him. He finds the simplest things funny. "You gunna say sorry?" asked Kyle. "Yes," I snapped, "If I have to, then I'll say sorry." "If you have to?" snapped Kyle, "You should want to. Oh, do you know what Luke, just forget it." "We'll talk about this later," I called to Kyle, "Just make sure you don't give Leo too many lollipops." Kyle went into the kitchen with Leo. I looked at Richard who shrugged and gave me a weird look. "Kids can be hard work, can't they?" he said. "So, can cows in your back garden," I snapped, "Get that animal shifted."