Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 946: Tuesday 30th April 2019

Entry 946
Tuesday 30th April 2019

I went to see Auntie Meryl today. My God, she's hard work! I also had a nice cuppa and chat with Sci-Fi Cyn in Sails, and found out about this date Mum is setting me up on.

In the morning I was feeding Leo when Mum walked in the front door. Lipstick smudged, hair a mess and mascara smeared all over her face. She stank of vodka to. "Morning," she said, hiccupping, "Sorry I didn't come home but you can look after yourself, can't you?" "Oh God," I said, "Flash back right there to being 11 years old. Jesus, look at the state of you." "Me and thingy had a few too many voddies," said Mum. "Yeah, I can smell," I said, wafting the smell away, "Can you go get changed. I don't want Leo seeing you like this."  "Oh, seeing his Nan a bit hung over won't kill him," said Mum. "A BIT hungover?" I gasped, "That's like saying The Titanic was a bit wet. You smell like a distillery."

Mum went upstairs, had a shower and when she came down and re-entered the living room wearing her dressing gown and with a towel wrapped around wet hair, she was walking bow legged – a bit like a cowboy. "What are you walking like that for?" I snapped. "Well," said Mum, as she slowly sat on the sofa, "I won't go into detail, but I will say this; he had the girth of a great stallion." I turned my head and closed my eyes. "My God," I sarcastically said, "I am SO glad you didn't go into detail. At least you didn't bring this bloke back here. What was his name?" "Oh sausage, I can't remember every little detail about my gentlemen friends, can I?"

Mum ended up telling me about this date. "Right," said Mum, "It's a lovely girl called Nikki. Early thirties, really nice, just your type." "What do you mean, just my type?" I asked. "Well, you know," said Mum, "Not that fussy. Will put up with anything. That's the impression I get." "And based on that information you thought she'd be an ideal partner for me?" I said, "Mum, you might not be too fussy, but I am." "Look," said Mum, "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. I've got you a date and the last time I looked, you didn't have a load of women queuing around the block for a date with you." "Just because I don't have women queuing up to see me, doesn't mean I should be collecting a load of sexual partners and getting my bedroom fitted with a turnstile like you," I said. "It's one date," said Mum, "You should be grateful." "What does that mean?" I asked. "Well, you're not really a catch, are you?" said Mum, "You know? In the traditional sense." "What do you mean 'traditional sense'?" I asked. "Well, you know," said Mum, "You're not handsome, charismatic, masculine or successful, are you? In the traditional sense." "In what sense are you on about?" I bluntly asked. "Oh, stop going on," said Mum, "Look, you're meeting her the day after tomorrow at the Italian restaurant in Cowes. Spray a decent amount of deodorant, brush your teeth properly, and wear something nice, not white. It makes you look fatter. Wear black. It gives the illusion of being thinner than you actually are and clean your ears out properly. There's sometimes more wax in those lugs than there is in a Yanky candle." "Tell me more about this Nikki," I said. "She's pretty," said Mum, "Early thirties. Used to live in Wales and work for a travel agent. Oh, just go on a date with her sausage. What's the worst that can happen?" "Oh, I don't know," I said, "Utter humiliation. Total embarrassment. Some terrible misunderstanding. Excruciating pain. A mortifying death." "Yes, well you won't be on your own," said Mum. "What do you mean?" I asked. "Well, it's a double date," said Mum. "Oh God," I said, rolling my eyes, "This sounds like a disaster. Can it get any worse?" "It's with TJ," said Mum. "So yes, it can," I bluntly said, "Forget it. I'm not going. A double date with TJ. This has got doom written all over it." "It'll be nice," said Mum, "I think it's about time you both settled down. Plus, if TJ gets a girlfriend, he won't be interested in me, anymore will he? Oh, go on, sausage. TJ's going out with Marie and you're going out with Nikki. Nikki is the nicer one you know. You've got the good one. You and TJ will meet them both at Tonino's the day after tomorrow at 7pm. I think it's exciting. Marie doesn't know what TJ looks like and Nikki doesn't know what you look like. It's a proper blind date." "How will we know who is meeting up with who then?" I asked. "Nikki is going to wear a red rose, and Marie is going to wear a white rose." I wasn't convinced that this date thing was a good idea, but I did like the idea of TJ leaving my Mum alone, so I reluctantly agreed.