Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 914: Friday 29th March 2019

Entry 914
Friday 29th March 2019

My name's TJ Hughes.

Naomi's asked me to write in Luke's diary whilst he's in a coma so he has something to read when he wakes up.

Well, what can I say? Elizabeth; you'll go to any lengths to have a few days in bed and lay on your fat arse whilst we all fuss around you, won't you? All these tubes and sh*t going in you; you look like some sort of weird cyberman from Doctor Who. Naomi has been here ever since the accident happened and you've got some pretty fit nurses looking after you, you lucky b*stard. Maybe I'll try getting run over so I can lay in bed and get a load of sexy b*tches flocking around me. You never know; I might be able to get a few of 'em to tug me off! Ha! Mind you, it wouldn't be the first time I've been tugged off in a hospital. Well... A fake hospital. It was when I was working on the set of Casualty in 2001. Bird who plays Duffy tossed me off under a trolley in resus. Dirty b*tch.

I hope you're going to be OK old Nanna. I'm not going to get all mushy and slushy and all that cr*p, especially if you end up reading all this back to yourself later on. I can't believe you've had such an awful accident though. The accidents you usually have involve you sh*tting yourself or eating dog sh*t. I say "accident" but it doesn't look like it was an accident. Looks like someone did this on purpose. F*ckers! I mean I know you've got a face that is just begging to have a jeep smashed into it but this is going a bit far. For someone to do this to you and then just leave you p*sses me off. It's like when that psycho Catherine accused you of rape. Bang out of order. You haven't had much luck, have you? I think we all preferred it when you were getting involved in stuff like p*ssing your pants rather being run over.

I remember when I was working in Hollywood with Mel B. I shagged her behind the big H in the Hollywood sign but she was really into shagging transsexuals and getting p*ssed on. Proper filthy sl*t. Loads of celebs ended up getting in on all the sexy p*ss fun; Kicke D, Jamie Lee Curtis, the guy who played Mr T, Jay Zee. It turned into a right p*ss sex orgy. I used to call it Mel B, Kickie D, Jamie Lee, Mr T, Jay Zee, he-she pee spree jamboree.

Seriously though, Luke, don't go dying, dude.  It'd be awful. Apart from the fact you'd be leaving your kids without a Dad you'd leave me without someone to take the p*ss out of, and that's just not on, so come on Nanna, don't be a d*ck. Wake up and get out of that coma so I can tell you what a tiny c*ck you've got. You can't die now. You're basically a virgin. There's got to be some fat, desperate, blind b*tch out there who'll shag you.

Just hurry up and get, well Elizabeth. It's not the same without you...