Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 952: Monday 6th May 2019

Entry 952
Monday 6th May 2019

MY. GOD...

I've just got back from Richard and Madeline's after one of the most awkward dinner parties of my life!

The whole evening started when I was walking over to Richard and Madeline's and I bumped into Roz. I asked her how she was settling into her flat. She told me that she was enjoying her own company and that she was also on her way to Richard and Madeline's, as they'd also invited her around too.

When Roz and I arrived, Madeline invited us in and offered us something to drink. "Hey y'all," she cheerfully said, "Well God bless you both for coming to our home. Would you like a freshly brewed cup of coffee?" "I'll have tea if that's OK?" I said. "Oh, you Brits and your tea," giggled Madeline, "It's a funny old drink isn't it? Leaves in a bag and all that. I think it's funny. Now ya'll take a seat. You'll be joined by the other guests shortly. I'll go make your tea." "Mum's going to be here soon," I said, "She's just got a few things to sort out." "Absolutely not a problem," said Madeline, who then went off into the kitchen to make some tea.

Roz and I sat on the sofa and then Richard appeared. "Hi, Richard," I said, "You OK?" "Not really," said Richard, in a glum tone, "I stubbed my toe on the side of the bed this morning and it's still throbbing." "Was your afternoon any better?" I asked. "No," said Richard. There was an awkward pause as I was waiting for Richard to elaborate. "OK..." I said, "Care to elaborate?" Not really," said Richard. "OK..." I said, "Well, I guess you can look forward to this little dinner party, can't you?" "No," said Richard in a depressing tone, "I don't like it when there's too many people here. There's this feeling of overwhelming pressure and impending doom which can cause crippling anxiety. I've already had two panic attacks." "Jesus Christ," I said, under my breath. "And I've got a blocked nose too," said Richard. Trudy then came down the stairs and walked past Richard into the living room. "You've got a blocked toilet now too," she said, "Christ, my sh*ts have got their own postcode." "How come you were up there?" I asked Trudy. "I was having a sh*t," said Trudy. "No," I said, "I mean why are you here?" "I bumped into Yanky Doodle Dandy yesterday and she invited me round," said Trudy, "Free food, so I thought why not." "Don't call her Yanky Doodle Dandy," I said, "It's so xenophobic." "Eh?" said Trudy, "That's one of those musical thingies you hit with a stick isn't it?" "That's a xylophone, you daft cow," I said.

A few moments later someone else walked past Richard and entered the living room. My eyes widened and my jaw dropped to the floor when I saw who it was. It was Nikki! F*cking Nikki! Richard wasn't the only one who now had a feeling on impending doom. "Madeline is right, Richard," said Nikki, "You do have a lovely garden." "I always end up tripping over the paving slabs," Richard glumly said. Nikki saw me sitting on the sofa and looked shocked and angry. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. "You!" she loudly snapped. "Do you two know each other?" asked Trudy. "You could say that," I said, giving Trudy a direct look and raising my eyebrows, "This is Nikki; the woman who was part of the double date I went on the other night." "Oh," said Trudy, clearly not getting what I was trying to signal to her. I maintained eye contact with Trudy and non-verbally tried to make it clear that THIS was the woman who went on a date with TJ believing it was me, whilst believing I was TJ. "What you staring at me like that for?" snapped Trudy. I gave a frustrated sigh. "Trudy," I said, "I am telling you that this is Nikki." "Yeah..." she said. "The woman I went on a date the other night," I said. "Yeah..." said Trudy. "I went on a date with Marie and Luke... That's LUKE... Went on a date with Nikki," I said. A few seconds passed as the cogs in Trudy's head started to turn. "OOOOH!" she said, "Oh, I get it now." "Hang on?" said Roz, "You're Lu..." "LA LA A LA LA LA LA!" I loudly said, interrupting Roz so she didn't say my name, and simultaneously looking like a madman. Everyone looked at me like I was some sort of weirdo. "Sorry," I said, "I just had this sudden urge to burst into song. You know what's it like?" "I think I should leave," said Nikki. "No, don't go," said Trudy, "There's free food here. Don't let a disastrous date that included this muppet put you off. Come on. Let's all sit and have a drink." Nikki gave a defeated sigh. "OK, then," she said, giving me a stern stare, "But if you start acting all weird and rude then I'm off. I'm just going to pop to the loo." "Put a towel round your nose and your gob," said Trudy, "I just did a banging sh*t up there that would give Chernobyl a run for it's money." Looking unimpressed with Trudy, Nikki went upstairs.