Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 844: Friday 18th January 2019

Entry 844
Friday 18th January 2019

I'm so hung over.

Last night Ash and I decided to have a drink in the house. One thing led to another, and one shot of vodka lead to two which lead to four, which lead to eight and before we knew it, both ended up getting rather drunk.

Ash and I started singing songs from when we were both at school. I belted out my favourite Spice Girls songs and Ash started loudly singing Oasis numbers. "Do you know something Luke," Ash said in his drunken stupor, "You might be a bit of a walking disaster who's always putting his foot in it, but I think you're alright." "Cheers Ash," I said, "You're not bad either – especially considering you're an uptight judgemental Nob who's named after some cigarette left-overs." Ash and I burst into laughter and downed more vodka.

Mum kept coming downstairs telling us to be quiet and reminded me that Leo was asleep. It was a bit of a role reversal. I'm usually the one telling her to be all grown up and responsible. "Jesus Christ," she angrily snapped, "Will you two keep the noise down? I mean, do you know what time it is?" "Well if I looked at the position your legs were always in and used them to figure out what time it was, it would be, TEN TO TWO!" I loudly chucked as I opened up my arms widely and raised them in the air signifying a ten to two visual sign. Ash and I burst out into another fit of laughter. "Yes, yes," said an unimpressed Mum, "Very funny. Just keep the noise down." "We'll keep the noise down if you keep your knickers up," I giggled. "Just shut up," Mum firmly said. "God," I said, in a drunken strop, "Are you still here? Shouldn't you have your mouth round some random bloke's c*ck?" "Luke, you're drunk," said Mum. "SOOOO!?" I loudly said, "I'm not a child." "No but Leo is and he's upstairs," said Mum. "AND!?" I loudly said, "He's not down here knocking vodka back with cigarette Ash, is he? He's another guy you've f*cked isn't he? Ash I mean, not Leo. That would be well weird." Ash pointed at Mum's dressing gown. "What colour is that?" he said, swaying from side to side, "It looks like fuchsia. I like that word – fuchsia. Fuchsia. I used to have a girlfriend whose favourite shade of lipstick was fuchsia." "I bet I know what Mum's favourite shade of lipstick is," I slurred in a giggly manner, "I think Mum's favourite shade of lipstick...is c*ck!" Ash and I burst into laughter. "If her vagina had a password, it would be password," giggled Ash. Our laughter increased. "If you two don't keep the noise down I'll throw a bucket of cold water over the pair of you," said Mum, "I'm telling you. Keep it down!" "I thought you liked it when guys kept it up," giggled Ash. Again, we burst into laughter.

Once Mum went back upstairs I started getting upset as I talked about Mia. "Oh Luke," said Ash in his slurred voice as he shuffled closer to me, "Don't go getting upset." "I just miss her," I said, "I mean it's so weird. She annoyed the sh*t out of me, but she was like a little sister." "She was proper thick though wasn't she," slurred Ash. "It's all that f*cking Harold Endo's fault," I slurred, "I can't believe you used to work for him." "Yeah well I used to think he was the bee's knees," said Ash, "But not anymore. You don't arrange for your own daughter to get raped, no matter what. "Do bees have knees?" I asked. "Course they do," said Ash, "They have six legs, don't they?" "That's Ladybirds isn't it?" I said. "Oh, I don't know," said Ash, "Look Luke Warm. I don't work for Harold Endo anymore. I don't think he's the bee's knees anymore. I hate him as much as you do." "Eh?" I exclaimed, "You were all in favour of changing the world and making humans live forever. You were all Team Harold." "Not anymore," said Ash, "That man has made me do things that I seriously regret. I thought working for ACROBAT was going to change the world and it did; Look at the f*cking state of the place? I might have agreed with his philosophy and all that, but a Dad should never get his own daughter raped." I burst into tears and Ash put his arm around me. "She just chucked herself off the roof," I drunkenly slurred, "She just dropped off the ledge and fell through the air like a heavy sack of spuds." Ash gave me a hug. "Listen, mate," he said, "You've seen some bad sh*t, but none of it's your fault. Harold Endo and Emily Elise. They're the ones to blame. One of them is dead and the other is banged up." I continued to sob. "I'm really sorry Luke," said Ash, "I really am so very sorry, but you know it'll all be alright. We're mates." "I suppose we are," I said, as I wiped my eyes. Even in my drunken stupor it was good to have a bit of a heart to heart with Ash and get closer to him.

When I woke up this morning, I felt rough! Mum has tried making me feel guilty all day about how me and Ash treated her last night. She didn't seem too bothered about all the slut-related insults. She seemed more bothered about the noise we were making and that she had to look after Leo whilst Ash and I were getting drunk.

I'm going to bed now. I've felt rough all day. Let's hope I'll wake up tomorrow morning feeling a bit more refreshed...