Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 887: Saturday 2nd March 2019

Entry 887
Saturday 2nd March 2019

Sometimes I just want the world to swallow me up!

I once again felt completely embarrassed in front of Antony Fisher today and then my Mum told me something that I think might actually give me nightmares.

The day started in a similar way to yesterday; lots of arguing around who got in the bathroom first, Mike suggesting we could share a shower to save water, TJ saying that an atom was bigger than my c*ck and Trudy picking her nose and flicking bogies behind the sofa! Mike had been reading an article in an old magazine about testicular cancer and he was worried he might have it. "Have a look at my kn*ckers babe," he said, "I want to make sure there's no lumps." "Mike," I bluntly said, "What with you p*ssing on me, sleepwalking naked into my room and getting in the shower with me, I think I've seen enough of your balls thank you very much."

I was glad to get to work and whilst I endured more insults from the islanders about how I have a monster for a son and how I should be ashamed for wanting to kill ill and infected people (idiots!), I had a good chat with Blade about the document he sent me. I told him that I thought his proposals were good and that getting islanders to focus on how Natasha wanted to change an established routine and risks lives seemed like an effective strategy. He asked if I would help him handout flyers and speak to islanders to convince them not to vote for Natasha's plans. I told Blade that considering I was known as the famous frozen father of the 15-year-old child killer and that most of the islanders saw me as a heartless dog sh*t eating man who poos on primary school children, I didn't think I was the best person to be canvassing but Blade disagreed. "Luke, you and your friends have dealt with the infected," said Blade, "You're the perfect people to convince islanders not to support Natasha's plans. If you have to, scare people. Tell them horror stories. We need to do what we can to make sure Natasha's proposals don't go through." As I continued talking to Blade, I told him that if he wanted me to do some canvassing and get involved in making sure Natasha didn't get any support for her proposals, I wanted to leave my job as manager of the reporting station. I told him that I'm fed up with people coming in everyday and throwing insults at me. Thankfully Blade agreed. Tomorrow is now my last day as manager of the reporting station. I'm going to be working on the campaign to make sure Natasha doesn't get any support and I am going to be putting all my energy into it.

Feeling positive I returned home and was all geared up to tell TJ, Trudy and Mike about my new job working on the campaign that Blade was setting up. As I walked towards the front door, the horse was still there. "This f*cking horse," I snapped to myself. I walked past the horse and up to the front door. I turned and gave the horse a suspicious look. "You need to leave," I said, "It's nothing personal, but this is a house not a stable." The horse then quickly jolted his head and once again sneezed all over me. My face was once again covered in gloopy horse snot. "For f*cks sake!" I loudly snapped, "Why do you keep sneezing and why do you keep sneezing all of ME you f*cking b*stard of a horse." ACHOOO! Another sneeze followed, this time even more aggressive than the previous one and of course a sh*t load of snot splattered all over me. My face was now covered in thick white gloopy liquid. I quickly opened the door and dashed inside before the f*cking horse had the opportunity to cover me in any more snot and as soon as I got inside, Mike quickly ran down stairs, totally naked with a panicked look on his face. "Oh, Luke," he said, "I'm glad you're home." "My God," I exclaimed, "Do you ever put any clothes on?" "I need you to look at balls," said Mike, "I think I've got a lump." "Oh, Mike, for God's sake," I said. "I'm serious," said Mike, "I'm really scared. Please have a look." "God," I said, rolling my eyes, "Alright, but can I clean my face first please? That f*cking horse has sneezed all over me, again." "No, no, no," said Mike, "I'm really anxious. I need you to look at it now. Come on. Please, Luke." Again, I rolled my eyes, took a step closer to Mike and looked down at his balls. "Well, Mike, they look fine to me," I said. "You need to have a proper look," said a worried Mike, "Get close up to them. Have a feel for lumps." "Mike, I'm not feeling your b*llocks," I bluntly said. "Luke, please," said Mike, "I'm really scared." I wasn't comfortable with this but it was clear Mike was anxious so I reluctantly agreed. "OK," I said, "Let's not do it here near the front door, let's go into the kitchen."