Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 790: Sunday 25th November 2018

Entry 790
Sunday 25th November 2018

Katie gave me an update on the 'Missing Mum' situation today, and TJ came around to take the p*ss and I ended up telling him about mine and Catherine's illicit liaison yesterday. Obviously, I didn't mention her name.

God knows why TJ came around. I think his main hobby is just to wind me up and p*ss me off. He was asking Mia how she felt about becoming a mother and telling her it's a doddle. "If Nana can be a Dad, then you can be a Mum," he said, "It's p*ss easy." "That's because you get Trudy and my Auntie Meryl to do most of the work," I bluntly said. "Get f*cked," said TJ, "I see Wolverine all the time." "Christ," I said, "His name's Primark. Not that that's much better than Wolverine. Can you and Trudy please agree what to call that kid so we all know." "Take a chill pill, Nana," said TJ, "Anyway, are you still having sex with your imaginary slut?" "Yes, I am," I firmly said, "And she's not imaginary. She's real. I was f*cking her good and hard only yesterday. She was begging me for more like a right horny b*tch. If anyone around here's making sh*t up and lying about shagging, it's you." "Luke's got a point, TJ," said Ash, "You do exaggerate a lot." "Do I b*llocks," said TJ, "Everything I have said is the truth. It's not my fault you're jealous that I've had more flange on the end of my c*ck than you have. Sad that you've got to invent an imaginary shag buddy." "I haven't invented anyone," I snapped. "Oh yeah?" said TJ, "So what's her name? Or is it a he?" "It's a she," I snapped, "And I'm not going to tell you because she doesn't want anyone knowing." "Course she doesn't!" exclaimed TJ, "What bird's gonna want people know she's tugging on your tiny todger? Christ, Nana. Even your imaginary girlfriend doesn't want anyone knowing your shagging 'em. Tragic." "Look, I am getting some good sex," I said, "In fact it's really rough. Nipple clamps, stuff up the arse, proper rough kinky stuff." "Luke, I don't think we need that much detail," said Ash. "Yeah well at least the sex I'm having is real," I said, pointing at TJ, "He's full of sh*t. Lying about shagging all these celebrities." "I'm not lying," said TJ, "Some of the best sex I've ever had has been with the gingers. Me, Patsy Palmer, Catherine Tate and Geri Halliwell. They used to come around to mine when I lived in London and we had a right sex party. They'd turn up, all three of 'em with these dodgy ginger fringes and moaning that I hadn't put any food on for them. Then we got down to it. I called it the cringe fringe, whinge ginge, minge binge." "Right," I bluntly said, "I'm going out." "Where are you going?" asked Ash. "I'm off to see Katie," I said. "Katie Shortman?" exclaimed Ash. "Yes," I said. "Oh yeah?" said TJ, "Got a hankering to partake in a bit of animal cruelty, have you?" "F*ck off," I snapped, "All that was an accident." "Oh yes m'lord," TJ, sarcastically said, "You accidentally kicked it across your living room, ate it's sh*t, stuck a mop up it's arse, kicked it across Sainsbury's, broken both its legs and then chucked a sh*t load of industrial strength superglue all over it." "Why are you going to see her?" asked Ash, "She can't stand you. Oh my God, is it her you're shagging?" "I'm meeting her to see if she can help me find Mum," I firmly said, "You lot might have forgotten that she's been missing for over a week but I haven't." I stormed out and left to meet Katie.

I've just come back from meeting up with Katie. She went to the farm today and spoke to Aliyx and Tania and asked them what they knew about Keith. It turns out that Keith AND his two Neanderthal farm hand mates Jez and Baz haven't been seen in just over a week – the same time as my Mum's been missing. Tania told Katie that the three blokes just hadn't turned up for work. Something's going on. Katie said she's got Keith's address and that she's going to do a bit more digging around, to see what she can find out and see if she can get into Keith's place and look for a clue to find out what's going on. All of a sudden, I feel like I'm in Scooby Doo, but in a more pleasant note it's nice to have a conversation with Katie that doesn't involve accidentally assaulting her dog and I feel like we might be getting closer to finding out what's going on around here. When I see Blade at the social gathering tomorrow, I'm going to tell him what's going on. If he knows more people haven't been seen for a while maybe he'll take my concerns more seriously.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Auntie Meryl has said she isn't going so that means there's no chance of her asking Mia any awkward questions about the lie I told her; about me and Mia having sex and me letting her think I'm the father of Mia's baby. I wonder if Naomi will come. It's like we're strangers now. Part of me is still p*ssed off with her, but another part of me really wants to see her...