Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 821: Wednesday 26th December 2018

Entry 821
Wednesday 26th December 2018

I'm losing the will to live.

I am STILL suck in this bl**dy garage with Mum and Auntie Meryl ripping strips off each other, whilst the infected Jules and Naomi J are STILL outside viciously banging on the garage door. Tam is starting to smell now. It's not too bad just now, but in a couple of days the smell of his dead body is going to become unbearable. The three of us have been drinking the water I've gathered, and we've been turning away and closing our eyes whilst one of us pees into a bucket. Thank God none of us have had to do number twos! What with a rotting dead body and a bucket of pee, it's starting to smell horrible enough in here without adding a bucket of sh*t to the scene. Mind you, we are all getting rather hungry. There's nothing at all to eat in here – well I haven't been able to find anything.

I had another terrible night's sleep. My body is aching all over, I've got a splitting headache, and I am starting to feel really rough and rather weak. Mum and Auntie Meryl's constant sniping has been getting on my nerves all day, and it got to the point where I just snapped. "You just can't handle the fact that your brother preferred my company to yours," Mum said to Auntie Meryl. "You keep telling yourself that," said Auntie Meryl. "I was able to give your brother one thing that you never could," Mum said with a smug grin on her face. "A sexually transmitted infection?" said Auntie Meryl. "A good time!" Mum said in a firm tone, "He was miserable when he was with you. He used to love coming home to me." "When you were actually at home and not bouncing up and down on some Tom, Dick or Harry in a Travel Lodge," said Auntie Meryl. "I used to phone him," said Mum, "I'd tell him to come home quick and that I'd shaved my vagina. You know what that means don't you?" "You blocked the drain?" said Auntie Meryl." "God, will you both shut up," I said, as I pressed my hands against my head trying to erase my headache.

With Mum and Auntie Meryl arguing, along with the constant sound of Jules and Naomi J outside banging against the shutter, the stench of Tam's body, and the throbbing of my already aching head, I thought I was going to explode. "SHUT UP!!!!!" I loudly shouted, "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! JUST F*CKING SHUT UP!" "What's up with you?" asked Auntie Meryl. "What's up with me!?" I loudly exclaimed, "Are you kidding me!? I've had it up to here listening to you two yelling at each other, insulting each other and slapping each other. If this is what you were both like with Dad, I can see why he didn't want to be around. Now I've got a throbbing headache, I feel like sh*t, it stinks in here, last night was the second night in a row where I didn't get any sleep, so you two bickering like b*tchy school girls is getting on my nerves, so shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!" I then took a step back and hit a stack of cardboard boxes with fury. Sadly, this particular stack of carboard boxes had the bucket on top of it that Mum, Auntie Meryl and I had been urinating into. As I hit the stack of boxes, the bucket wobbled, fell over and the contents; a combination of mine, Mum's and Auntie Meryl's p*ss poured all over me, drenching my head and shoulders. I stank. I froze to the spot and looked ahead with a blunt look on my face. Mum and Auntie Meryl were about to speak but I quickly interrupted them. "Say. Nothing," I bluntly said, "Just say nothing." My outburst resulted in Mum and Auntie Meryl sitting in silence, but not for long. Minutes later more insults and b*tchy comments followed. I stank – and still stink of a horrible pungent smell of urine.

In the afternoon Auntie Meryl found something that caused the arguing between her and Mum to kick off again, and I ended up feeling absolutely, mortifyingly embarrassed. Auntie Meryl was looking at her broken foot and then she started flicking through the contents in a nearby cardboard box. "Oh, there's some of those DVD things in here," she said. Auntie Meryl pulled out a DVD and looked at the back cover and read some of the text. "A young woman does whatever it takes to become a successful ballet dancer. Gash Dance it's called," said Auntie Meryl. "No," I bluntly said, "That'll be Flash Dance." "I can read you know," snapped Auntie Meryl. "Gash Dance. What's a Gash Dance?" I frowned with confusion, went over to Auntie Meryl, and looked at the DVD. I took it from her hand and inspected. It was porn. "Auntie Meryl, this is a porn DVD," I said, "It's a p*ss take of Flash Dance." I turned the DVD over and looked at the front cover. I gasped in horror. My eyes nearly popped out of my hand. "Oh my God!" I yelled. "What is it?" asked Auntie Meryl. I looked over at Mum who had a slightly guilty look on her face. "You've done porn!?" I loudly exclaimed. "You what?" said Auntie Meryl. "Oh, sausage it was a long time ago," said Mum. I turned the DVD round and shoved it in Mum's face. The front cover had an image of a younger version of my Mum, striking a rather slutty and seductive pose wearing some sort of black PVC outfit. "That's you!" I shrieked, "That's you on the front cover with your legs in the air. Gash dance! GASH DANCE! What the f*ck!?" "What's a gash dance?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Luke, lots of young women in their early twenties do that sort of thing," said Mum, "It was a quick way of making money and God knows I needed money when I was young." I rummaged inside the box where Auntie Meryl found the porn DVDs. "Oh my God!" I loudly exclaimed, "There's more in here!" I picked up one porn DVD after another, all of which starred my own Mother! "OH MY GOD! Schindler's Fist! Breast Side Story! All starring the luscious Lynnette Deakin. OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" Auntie Meryl had a DVD in her hand. "This one looks like some sort of Star Wars thing," said Auntie Meryl, "May the foreskin be with you. Is it some sort of sex education film?" I was horrified. Both my eyes and mouth were as wide as they could be. "Is there NO limit to the levels you'll go to, to embarrass me?" I exclaimed. "Oh Luke, not everything is about you," said Mum, "I did those ages ago; before I had you. Well, I did a couple after I'd had you, but only a couple. Is 'The Ring' in there?" "The Ring's a horror film," I said. "Not the version I filmed," said Mum. "Oh my God, this is disgusting," I exclaimed. "Hang on," said Auntie Meryl, suddenly realising, "These are all films where you're having sex in them." "Yes, well done Meryl," said Mum, "You caught up eventually." "Well if I was ever in any doubt about what a loose morale strumpet you were, I'm not anymore," said Auntie Meryl, "Luke's right. This is disgusting." "Meryl, you're just jealous because I have the figure for porn, and you've got a figure for something else altogether." "I'm surprised you've got any figure left after this one," said Auntie Meryl looking at another DVD, "Seven Brides DO Seven Brothers?" "OH MY GOD!" I loudly said, "Right we have to try and get out of here. I can't take being locked up with you two." "Luke, you can't go out there," said Mum, "Jules and Naomi J will rip you apart. And Thora Herd over there's got a broken foot remember." "I don't need your sympathy," Auntie Meryl snapped at Mum, "I mean what sort of woman gets involved in films like this? I'll tell you what sort of a woman; a filthy, dirty, disgusting Hussy who's not fit to a mother." "How dare you!?" snapped Mum, "I won't be lectured to by a fat old cow like you about motherhood. You've never had a child of your own, and do you know what? I'm not surprised. What bloke would ever look twice at you? You couldn't turn on a light switch let alone a man. You didn't have a kid of your own, so you stole mine!" "Stole!?" Auntie Meryl, loudly exclaimed, "You can't steal something you've given up you stupid woman! Maybe if you put as much effort into being a Mum as you did into being a slutty porn star, your son might not have turned into the disaster that he is today." "Thanks," I bluntly said. "Well you brought him up, not me," said Mum, "So if he's a disaster, you're to blame, not me!" "I brought that boy up the best way I could," snapped Auntie Meryl. "Well look at the state of him now," said Mum, "It's not exactly evidence of a good job is it?" "I did the best I could," snapped Auntie Meryl, "You can't polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter. The thing to remember it is your turd I was trying to polish!" "Excuse me!" I loudly exclaimed in an outraged tone. "Meryl," snapped Mum, "Let me make this clear. I am Luke's Mum. Not you, and I'm certainly not going to take parenting advice from a fat useless lard arse like you!" "Well I'm not going to give parenting advice to an unfit slag of a mother like you," snapped Auntie Meryl, "You've been banged more times than an alarm clock snooze button on a Monday morning. I mean look at this." Auntie Meryl picked up another DVD. It had a picture on the front of three muscular topless hairy men standing behind my Mum who was wearing a skimpy outfit. "What sort of Mother stars in films like this?" Auntie Meryl snapped, "Goldilocks does three bears?" "OH MY GOD!" I loudly snapped, "STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!" I walked to the other side of the garage, looked over at Mum and Auntie Meryl and took a deep breath. "Right," I firmly said, trying to calm down, "We are going to sit in here and do the best we can to get on and not fight. You two are going to stay at opposite ends of the garage and not talk. I have got a throbbing headache, and your shouting isn't helping. I'm going to sit at the back of the garage, try to relax and do everything I can to wipe the image of my Mum on all fours in front of three topless hairy men, from my mind." Stinking of strong, pungent urine, I sat at the back of the garage and tried to relax and manage my headache. Mum and Auntie Meryl ignored what I said and continued bickering.

I feel really weak right now and my head is still throbbing. I need to get out of this garage. If I had the key, I could open the shutter just enough to let Naomi J and Jules in and then stab them in the head, but I don't have the bl**dy key do I, and to be honest I don't think I'm in good shape. Mum and Auntie Meryl's arguing is seriously getting on my nerves, and the images of my Mum wearing next to nothing on the front and back covers of the porn DVDs is something else I am trying to come to terms with.

Where the Hell is Blade and his GRID soldiers. It shouldn't take them this long to find us should it!? I don't know how much longer I can take being locked up in here, and the water isn't going to last forever. I'd kill for some hot food and a comfy bed. I think this has been one of the most sh*t Christmases ever...