Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 775: Saturday 10th November 2018

Entry 775
Saturday 10th November 2018

I've got to go back to that sh*tty farm tomorrow! I'm not happy!

As I wasn't working, I decided to have a bit of a lie in. When I woke up, I went downstairs and saw Ash in the kitchen. He handed me a cup of tea and told me I had a visitor in the front room. Feeling intrigued I walked into the front living room where Blade was sat with Mum, TJ and Mia. "Morning, Luke," said Blade. I knew why he was there! He'd come to talk about the disastrous event that occurred yesterday at the farm with Aliyx and Tania. "Morning," I coyly said. I noticed TJ sat with a huge smile on his face. "What are you doing here?" I firmly asked, "And what's with that stupid grin on your face?" "I just came over to see The House Bunny to see how she's settling in living with you. Turns out I've turned up at the same time Jon's got an interesting story to tell." "I suppose you're here about what happened at the farm yesterday?" I said to Blade. "Yes, Luke," Blade, firmly said, "Now I don't know what you were thinking, but I've never known Tania so angry and from what she told me I can understand why." "It doesn't matter," I said, "That job's not for me. I did tell you." "Luke, I'm afraid it does matter," said Blade, "According to Tania you said you wanted to have sex with her when you first met her and talked to her about your erect penis." "Ha!" laughed TJ, "His pecker is so small, you can't tell if it's soft, hard or hiding behind a pube." "She's got that wrong," I said, ignoring TJ, "My foot got stuck on the porch and I said I was going to f*ck the porch up in anger. I fell on Tania as I said it and because she thought I wanted to have sex with her I told her that I didn't have an erect penis." "You don't have a penis full stop," laughed TJ. "What about Aliyx?" asked Blade, "Tania said she saw you asking her to w*nk you off." "Ha!" laughed TJ, "She'd need a lab, a super strong microscope and a team of scientists to try and find his nob." "That woman is sex mad," I said. "Excuse me?" said Blade. "She's a raving nymph," I said, "She's made it clear she wants to shag me. It's sexual harassment." "Who's going to want to sexually harass you?" laughed TJ. "Luke," said Blade, "I find it hard to believe that You are being sexually harassed considering what Tania has told me. You hit her in the face and pushed her out of her wheelchair twice in one day." "It was an accident," I said, "And as for me telling Aliyx to w*nk me you should ask her about getting her t*ts out." "I beg your pardon?" said Blade. "She asked me if I was single and then got her t*ts out and asked me to milk her like a cow!" I exclaimed. The room went silent and everyone exchanged awkward looks. The silence was broken when TJ burst into laughter. "As if anyone's going to get their t*ts out in front of Nana," giggled TJ, "I don't know many birds that like little, fat, bald men with little c*cks." "Actually, she told me that men with little c*cks really turn her on," I snapped. "Oh, sausage, you need to stop talking," said Mum, "Jon, love, he's always been a bit of a weird kid. Can you give him another chance?" "Lynn," said Blade, "He thrust his naked crotch into Tania's face and asked her to pull on his penis." TJ fell to the living room floor as he burst into fits of loud laughter. "This is Nana gold, this is!" he loudly laughed, "I mean there's nothing there to thrust! It'd be like someone shoving the bottom half of one of those shop window mannequins in your face." "TJ, this isn't funny," said a serious sounding Blade, "There's grounds for me to lock Luke up like I've locked Harold up." "Oh, come on, that's not fair," I said, "I'm not on the same level as Harold." "No," giggled TJ, "He's got a nob that can't hide behind a pube." "Will. You. Shut. Up!" I angrily said to TJ, "Jon, I know it looks bad, but when I ended up thrusting my nob in Tania's face, it was an accident. The towel had caught on the vanity unit and when I was talking about the nob, I didn't mean my nob, I meant the knob to the bathroom door. Seriously, this was all a big misunderstanding!" "I can vouch for him," said Mia, "Luke's always been really supportive. He's not a danger to anyone. He's caring, friendly and helpful. Whenever my clunge needs a good scrub, he's always been happy to get right in there and get his hands dirty." Blade looked very concerned. "No," I firmly said to Blade, "That's not how it sounds. Mia, shut up!"

We continued talking for a while and eventually Blade said he was prepared to give me the benefit of the doubt but in order to prove myself I would have to return to the farm, so even though I'm not happy about it all, I'm going back to the farm tomorrow. Let's hope day two is better than day one. Once Blade left, I told TJ he was a pr*ck and I threw him out and I told Mum and Mia to keep their mouths shut.

In the evening when Mum and Ash had gone to bed, I saw Mia sitting on the sofa cradling Leo. I looked over and smiled at her. "He likes you," I said, "You're a natural. You're going to make a great Mum." Mia suddenly looked a bit angry and uncomfortable. She placed Leo back into his baby chair. "Mia, what's wrong?" I said, "I wish you'd talk to me. It's obvious something's up? Is it something to do with the father of your unborn baby?" "No!" Mia quickly and urgently said as she widened her eyes. "Look, it's not TJ is it?" I asked, "Cos if it is, just tell me and we'll deal with it. Is that why he was here earlier?" "No! God, no!" exclaimed Mia, "If he came near me, I'd get my clunge out and show him I mean business." "Mia, there really are two different meanings to that sentence," I said, "Look, if it's not TJ, then who is it?" "I don't want to talk about it, Luke," said Mia. "Well you're going to have to at some point," I said, "You're going to start showing soon." There was a slight pause. "If you're scared, or you think it's because you're going to be a bad Mum, you've got nothing to worry about," I said, "Look at me. When we first met, I didn't have any kids. If I can figure out how to be a Dad to Leo, I am sure you can figure out how to be a good Mum to your baby. I know we're living in tough times and all that, but you've got support."

I do worry about Mia. Not only because she has the intelligence of a small piece of fruit, but because she seems so reluctant to talk about becoming a Mum. I wonder who the father is. If it's not TJ, then maybe it's someone who she met when she was separated from us.

Anyway, time for bed now. Let's see what being at the farm tomorrow brings.