Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 822: Thursday 27th December 2018

Entry 822
Thursday 27th December 2018

We are finally out of that garage and we're now in quarantine!

I did manage to get SOME sleep last night but not much. I just hope I manage to get some tonight. I'm sure I will; I'm not squashed into a rusty old garden chair with Mum and Auntie Meryl snoring in my ear!

The day started with Auntie Meryl and Mum arguing about who was the worst snorer. "For God's sake," I bluntly said, "Will you both, PLEASE give it a rest. We've got more to worry about than who's the loudest snorer." "Like what?" said Auntie Meryl. "Like what!?" I exclaimed, "Like being stuck in here with Tam's dead body rotting away as the stench gets worse every minute, and then there's the fact that we're running out of water – not to mention those two noisy infected b*stards outside banging against the shutter and trying to get in, so will you both stop arguing about trivial things like snoring. My head is banging, I can't shake off this migraine and I feel really ill." "You feel ill!?" exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "I'm sitting here suffering with a broken foot and you're moaning that you've got a headache. Grow a pair of balls, Luke." "God, why is it taking them so long to find us?" I moaned, "Surely they've found Blade's jeep." I walked up to the garage shutter and started banging and kicking against it, shouting for help and calling Blade's name. "WE'RE IN HERE!!" I shouted, "LET US OUT!" This caused the infected Jules and Naomi J to bang against the garage shutter from the other side with even more violence and vigour. "Sausage, you've got to be quiet," said Mum, "Those two will never leave if you keep banging." "Yeah keep the noise down you noisy little sod," snapped Auntie Meryl. "Those two out there are never going to leave are they!" I loudly snapped, "We're never going to get out of here are we? I'm going to die in here listening to you two old witches talking sh*t and throwing insults at each other." "Luke, Blade will find us," said Mum, "We just need to wait." "Who are you calling an old witch you cheeky little b*gger?" snapped Auntie Meryl. "It's been too long!" I loudly I said as my panic and frustration started to increase, "They're never going to find us. We're going to die in here. We're going to end up like Tam; dead and forgotten on a garage floor." "Luke, calm down!" Mum loudly and assertively said. "Oi, don't shout at him you gobby old trollop," snapped Auntie Meryl. "You've just called him a noisy sod and a cheeky b*gger," Mum snapped at Auntie Meryl, "Maybe you're the one who should keep their mouth shut." "Well you can't keep anything bl**dy shut," snapped Auntie Meryl, "Your mouth or your legs! You've gone down on everything except The Titanic." "Oh God Meryl, give it a rest," said Mum, rolling her eyes, "It's getting boring now. I get it. You think I'm a big trollop. I've heard it all before. Now if you keep opening your nasty little mouth and calling me names, my boredom is going to change into anger, and I might forget that you're an old lady with a broken foot and knock your block off." "Oh, so now you're threatening violence!" exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "So you're not just a dirty old slapper; you're a VIOLENT dirty old slapper." "STOP IT!!!!!" I loudly cried out. Mum and Auntie Meryl both looked at me with surprise on their face. "I can't handle this," I said, sounding exhausted, "We're stuck in this sh*t hole, I'm covered in p*ss, I've hardly slept, we've got the stench of a rotting corpse to put up with, she's got a broken foot, we've got no food, I'm starving, we're running out of water, we've got those two noisy infected f*ckers outside trying to get in, I've got a headache, I feel really weak and the last thing – the very last thing I need, is to be trapped in a confined space listening to two women throwing insults at each other, so just stop it – STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! If you both really care about me maybe you should think about what all this name calling is doing to me! Talk about what you've got in common, not what you haven't got in common!" A tense silence followed. I propped myself against the wall and then slid down to the floor holding my head in my hands. "Well I suppose I only call the old bat names because I'm jealous," Mum said. "You're jealous of me?" said Auntie Meryl. "Yes!" snapped Mum, "You're right. You've been more of a Mother to him than I have. I just couldn't handle being a Mum. I suppose I thought Luke was better off with no Mum than a useless Mum." "Yeah but you are still his Mum," said Auntie Meryl. "According to blood," said Mum, "But it takes more than that to be a Mum. He loves you. I'm just an outsider." "Well that's not true," said Auntie Meryl. "Yeah it is," said Mum, "When we got in here, who was the first person Luke protected? You. Not me; you." "Yeah, but I'm older than you and I've got a broken foot," said Auntie Meryl, "That's why he tried to keep me safe." "Oh, come on Meryl," said Mum, "Luke didn't jump to protect you because you had a broken foot, he jumped to your defence because he cares about you more than he cares about me." "I care about both of you," I said, "I just have different relationships with each of you. It's not a competition." There was a short silence. "Well I suppose I'm a bit jealous of you," Auntie Meryl said to Mum. "Sorry?" said Mum, clearly finding this hard to believe. "Well you were right," said Auntie Meryl, "My brother did prefer your company to mine, and sometimes I see Luke and you getting on so well and I feel like there isn't a place for me anymore. Surplus to requirements and all that. Not needed anymore." "Auntie Meryl, that's not true," I said. "Well at the end of the day she is your Mum," said Auntie Meryl. "And you're my Auntie," I said, "I love you both." A sobering silence followed. "I suppose we both love him, don't we?" Mum said to Auntie Meryl. "I suppose we do," said Auntie Meryl. "And I suppose we could try and get on for his and Leo's sake, couldn't we?" Mum said to Auntie Meryl. "Well, I suppose so," said Auntie Meryl, "But I still think you're a filthy old whore whose legs are open more often than a 24-hour BP garage." "Well I still think you're a fat arsed, crabby old bint with a face like that old bird from Titanic who chucked her necklace into the sea." Silence followed. I looked up at Mum and Auntie Meryl and they were saying nothing. "The sweet sound of silence," I said, "Thank God." I then stood up and as I rose to my feet, I bumped into the stack of boxes to my left, knocked the p*ss bucket over, and once again ended up covered in the contents of the bucket; a combination of mine, Mum's and Auntie Meryl's urine. I gave a depressing sigh and gave Mum and Auntie Meryl a blunt look.