Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 888: Sunday 3rd March 2019

Entry 888
Sunday 3rd March 2019

Well it was my last day working at the reporting station today and it felt great!

Once again many of the islanders who reported in gave me dirty looks and threw insults at me. One said I was a bad Dad, one said that I was a monster for hurting Katie Shortman's dog, another said I was evil for wanting to kill infected people and one woman said that I was despicable human being. After all that sh*t I was glad to be getting out of there. Blade wasn't there today but when it got to 12pm and my shift was over, I stood on top of one of the tables and called over to the dozen or so islanders who has just finished reporting – many of whom had insulted me and thrown the insults at me, I have just mentioned. "OI, YOU LOT!" I yelled. The small crowd turned round and looked me and appeared visibly confused at me standing on one of the tables. "It's my last day today!" I yelled, "I don't work here anymore! So, you Mr Wesker, you might think I'm a bad Dad, but I think you've got bad breath. If you'd have gotten any closer to me, my face would have f*cking disintegrated. Mrs Birkin, you might think I'm a monster for hurting Katie's dog, but I think that f*cking God awful wart on the end of your nose makes you look like a monster, and hurting that dog was an unfortunate accident, a bit like when your mother got pregnant with you, a hundred years ago. Mr Burton, you might think I'm evil for wanting to kill infected people, but from the state of your face I think you're pretty evil for leaving the house without a bag over your head. And finally, Mrs Valentine, you might think I'm a despicable human being but I think the exact same about you. You've come here every morning for the past three months wearing the exact same t-shirt. That gravy stain under your left t*t has been in my eyeline for the past 95 days. Clean your clothes you dirty cow. I've put up with all the sh*I'm going to put up with from you set of w*nkers. You can all go and f*ck yourselves! OOOOOOOOH GOD, that feels so good!" I then jumped down off the table, collected the sheets of paper containing the names of everyone who has reported and handed it to one of the GRID soldiers. As the islanders who I had just insulted started having a go at me, I didn't care. I just slowly and casually walked past them and exited the building with a big smile on my face.

I went home to discover the horse had gone! I am so happy! TJ continued with his childish insults about what happened yesterday between me and Mike. "Alright Nanna," said TJ, "How as your last day?" "Good," I said, "I called everyone a bunch of wankers and then told them all to go and f*ck themselves." "I did that on the last day of my job," said Trudy. "Which one?" I asked. "All of them," said Trudy. Mike came downstairs and appeared in the living room. "Here he is," said TJ, "Come on Luke, get on your knees. You never know, if you're lucky Mike might not have cracked one out today." "TJ, it was a horrible misunderstanding," I plainly said, "You know, I'm not going to let you wind me up. You just want me to look like I've got egg on my face." "You looked like you had a sh*t load of plaster of Paris on your face yesterday," giggled TJ. I picked up the document that Blade had sent around with Antony and threw it at TJ. "Here," I said, "Read that and educate yourself." "What is it?" asked TJ, "W*nkers Weekly? The book of Bukkake?" "It's what Blade is saying we should do to deal with Natasha," I said, "Just bl**dy read it."

Later in the day I met with Ash at Sails Cafe. He brought Leo to see me and we had a chat over a cuppa. When I walked in, I saw him sat at one of the tables with Leo. "Hello gorgeous," I said with a big smile. "Hello handsome," Ash said sarcastically as he handed Leo to me. "Very funny," I said, "I didn't know you'd be bringing Leo." "Thought I'd surprise you," said Ash, "Come on, let's get something to eat." I was then surprised to see Trudy walk over, wearing an apron, with a pad in one hand and a pen in the other. "Right," she unenthusiastically said, "What do you want?" "Trudy?" I exclaimed. "Yeah..." she said. "What are you doing here?" I gasped. "Oh, I don't know," said a sarcastic Trudy, "Let me see. I'm wearing an apron; I've got a pad in my hand and I'm asking you what you want? I'm going to go with ballet dancing." "I mean, why didn't you tell me you were working here?" I asked. Trudy shrugged. "Dunno," she said, "No big deal. A job's a job. Got to earn my credits somehow." "Well what's happened in Sainsbury's?" I asked. "People go in there and buy stuff," said Trudy. "No," I said, rolling my eyes, "I mean, how come you're not working there anymore." "Cos I'm working here!" exclaimed. "Yes," I snapped, "But what happened? Did you get sacked?" "Oh, that's charming," said Trudy, "You see me working a different job and automatically assume I've been sacked. Nice. Don't you have any faith in me?" "Did you get sacked?" I asked. "Yeah, I got sacked," said Trudy, "But it wasn't my fault. That manager has got unrealistic standards. He kept wanting me to smile all the time and give good customer service. No one can do that all the time, and we're living in f*cking apocalypse. No one gives a flying f*ck about customer service. Anyway, I don't think there's a problem with my customer service. Now will you shut the f*ck up and tell me what you want because my knickers are riding up my arse and it's my break in ten minutes, so come on, hurry up." "Trudy," said Ash, looking at the menu, "Do you do protein shakes?" "Is it on the menu?" Trudy bluntly asked. "No, I can't see them," said Ash. "Then we don't," said Trudy, bluntly, "Do you just want some tea?" "What's the nicest thing on the menu?" asked Ash. "That splodge of ketchup in the top right-hand corner," said Trudy. "I mean what's the nicest thing I can order?" asked Ash, "The most expensive thing?" "The most expensive thing is the salmon," said Trudy, "It's sixteen credits, served on a bed of spinach with mixed herbs, grated parmesan, double roasted potatoes and seasoned vegetables. It's basically fish and chips with a bit of cheese, peas and carrots and some green sh*t. It looks like cr*p, it takes like sh*t and it smells like a manky m*nge. Now is that enough or do you want the name, address and phone number of the man who caught the f*cking fish?" "Is there a problem here?" Trudy's nervous manager asked, poking his head out from behind the counter. "Yeah," said Trudy, pointing at me and Ash, "These two d*ckheads can't make their minds up." "I was actually talking to the customers," said the manager. "We'll just have two teas," Ash bluntly said. "I'll have milk with no sugar," I said. "I'll have a strong tea with no milk and two and half sugars," said Ash. "And would to like it stirred clockwise or ant-f*cking-clockwise?" snapped a sarcastic Trudy. Ash gave Trudy a sarcastic smile and then she started to walk off. "Hang on Trudy," I said, "You haven't written anything down. Will you remember?" Trudy shrugged and walked off. "Service with a smile," said Ash.

Trudy returned with the drinks and surprisingly enough they were right. Ash and I then had a good chat. "It's weird in the house without you," said Ash. "It's weird not being there," I said, "Mind you Mum says it's better without me there." "Well Kyle doesn't spend as much time in his room," said Ash. "I bet he's glad to have me out of the way," I said. "Are you two going to get together and sort things out?" asked Ash. "Why, has he said something?" I asked. "No," said Ash, "Not to me anyway." "I just think we should have some time apart from each other," I said, "Maybe me moving out was a good thing." "What's it like with TJ, Mike and Trudy?" asked Ash. "Hell, on Earth," I said, "But at least the horse has gone." "Yeah, I know," said Ash, "Richard's put it back in our front garden." "Yeah, well you're not the only one putting up with sh*t," I said, "Yesterday I was on my knees in front of a naked Mike checking his balls for lumps." "Lumps?" said Ash. "He thought he had testicular cancer," I said. "Why didn't he go to a doctor?" asked Ash. "It's Mike," I said, "I stopped questioning why he does half the things he does ages ago. Anyway, that f*cking horse sneezed all over me just before I inspected Mike's balls so when I was on my knees it looked like he'd been w*nking all over my face." "To who?" said Ash, "No one saw you did they...? Did they?" "Trudy and Antony came in with a load kids that they'd taken out for a walk," I said. Ash paused and then burst into laughter. "Yes, yes," I said, "Very funny. Then it got worse because TJ turned up and he's still taking the p*ss, now." "Oh you can deal with TJ," said Ash, "But what is it with you and this Antony? Every time you get yourself into some awkward situation he's there." "I know," I said, "God knows what he must think of me." Ash and I continued talking over a cuppa and we spoke about how we may be two of the most sane and rational men in our group. He gets on my nerves sometimes but it's nice to feel that I've got a mate who's a bloke and who isn't a bullsh*tter, a borderline psycho or incredibly negative.

I start my new job tomorrow. Blade's using a community centre as a base where we can plan a campaign to counteract Natasha's proposals. I'm actually quite looking forward to it and to getting my teeth stuck in.