Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 890: Tuesday 5th March 2019

Entry 890
Tuesday 5th March 2019

Me and Naomi went to see Auntie Meryl today. My God! The woman drives me insane and her so-called lesbianism has intensified.

Naomi drove me, Leo and Sophie to the quarantined area of Newport. It was quite a nice drive. We all had a good chat, we played with the kids. It was like we were a little family. When we arrived at the entrance to the quarantined area, Naomi parked the car, and the four of us were escorted by an armed GRID soldier to the community centre.

Naomi, the kids and I walked inside the building and saw Auntie Meryl reading an old copy of Woman's Weekly. We walked over to Auntie Meryl, smiled, and I was half way through saying hello when she interrupted me and said "What's another word for aggravate?" "Worsen?" said Naomi. "It's got an X in it. Ten down," said Auntie Meryl. "Yes, hello," I sarcastically said, "We're fine thanks for asking. Auntie Meryl, we've come to see you and we've brough the kids." "I can see that," she exclaimed, "I'm not blind." Auntie Meryl put her magazine down and staretd fussing over the kids. Naomi and I both gave her a kiss and told her she was looking well. "What is another word for aggravate, then?" said Auntie Meryl, "It's annoying me. Ten down." "Oh, forget about that," I said, "I don't know why you keep reading old women's magazines." "That magazine is for women of all ages," said Auntie Meryl. "No," I said," I don't mean a magazine for old women, I mean an old magazine for women." "Women who are old or young?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Both, I suppose," I said. "How can you be old and young at the same time?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Oh God," I said, "Please don't start." "So, Meryl," said Naomi, "Luke says you're a lesbian now." "That's right," said Auntie Meryl, "I'm a fully-fledged member." "No, you're not," I said, rolling my eyes, "You know you're not." "I am," said Auntie Meryl, "I'm getting really good at playing darts." "Auntie Meryl," I said, "It takes a lot more than playing darts to be a lesbian." "Yes, I know that," said Auntie Meryl, "I need to have a short hair too. I know what I'm doing. I've read books. I'll get my haircut at some point." "I don't know why you're doing this," I said, "It's obvious you're not a lesbian. I told you I'd only believe you if you got a girlfriend." "I know," said Auntie Meryl. "Well, there you go," I said, "You don't have a girlfriend, so I don't believe you." "That's like me saying I don't believe you're straight because you don't have a girlfriend," said Auntie Meryl. "That's completely different," I said, "I've had sex with women before." "Not much though," said Auntie Meryl, "Anyway, how do you know I haven't had sex with a woman before? When me and Betty Crack were in college, we used to get up to all sorts. Skinny dipping in the lake behind the church. Boys would come from miles around to Betty Crack's crack." "You're making all this up," I said, "Going skinny dipping with Betty Crack when you were younger doesn't make you a lesbian." "Well what does it make me?" asked Auntie Meryl, sarcastically, "An Olympic diver? Anyway, what about having a girlfriend?" "Yes, but you don't have a girlfriend," I said. "I do," said Auntie Meryl. "No, you don't," I said, "Knock it off." I saw Auntie Meryl wave at an elderly man on the other side of the room. "Whos' that?" I asked. "Alf," said Auntie Meryl, "He's harmless." "Well, I like to think no one hear is harmful," I said. "No," said Auntie Meryl. "Armless. He's armless. He doesn't have any arms." I looked around and noticed that the man did indeed had no arms. "It's a bit weird really," said Auntie Meryl, "I introduced him to Beth, told him we were lesbians and he said it was his birthday. I asked him if me and Beth could do something for him and he said 'I wanna watch'. I don't know where I'm going to find a man's wristwatch but even if I do find one, he hasn't got any bl**dy wrist to put it on." "I think he means something else Meryl," said Naomi. "Who's Beth?" I asked. "I've just told you," said Auntie Meryl, "She's my girlfriend." I frowned with confusion. "Sorry? What?" I bluntly said. "What?" said Auntie Meryl. "What did you just say?" I asked. "About what?" asked Auntie Meryl. "About your bl**dy girlfriend!" I loudly exclaimed. "Oh yeah," said Auntie Meryl, "Beth." "Who the Hell is Beth?" I exclaimed. "My girlfriend!" Auntie Meryl, loudly exclaimed, "Are you deaf!?" "So, you're saying you're telling me you've got an actual girlfriend called Beth?" I bluntly said. "Yes," said Auntie Meryl. There was a pause. "Sorry," I said, "You're telling me you have a girlfriend." "That's right," said Auntie Meryl. "This is just stupid," I said, "You're not a lesbian." "Oh, you don't understand," said Auntie Meryl, "You don't know my struggle! You don't know what it's like being oppressed because of your sexual orientation." "Neither do you!" I loudly said, "You're not a lesbian." "Let's just calm down," said Naomi, "Meryl, who is this Beth?" "She's my girlfriend," said Auntie Meryl. "Well, what can you tell us about her?" asked Naomi. "Well," said Auntie Meryl, "Her name's Beth Hutson. Before the outbreak she used to have two sons and she used to be a dispenser in a pharmacy. Now she's an admin worker for GRID and she goes around the quarantined area giving everyone food. She's lovely." I could feel myself getting annoyed. "This is f*cking ridiculous," I said. "Luke, just calm down," said Naomi. "Oh, there's no talking to him when he gets like this," said Auntie Meryl, "He got all moody like this when he didn't get cast as Danny in the school's production of Grease. He was never going to get that part. Talk about backing a one-legged horse. Does he look like John Barrowman?" "I think you mean John Travolta," said Naomi, "He played Danny in Grease." "So, who's John Barrowman?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Did he play David Tennant in Doctor No?" "No," I bluntly said, "John Barrowman played Captain Jack in Doctor Who. I had this conversation with Mia when I first met her." [Day 9]. "So was David Tennant in Doctor No?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Oh, for God's sake," I said. "Sean Connery was in Doctor No," said Naomi, "James Bond, yeah?" "So, who's David Tennant?" asked Auntie Meryl. "He played The Doctor," said Naomi. "In Doctor No?" asked Auntie Meryl. "In Doctor Who," I said. "No," said Auntie Meryl. "You what?" I said. "Doctor No," said Auntie Meryl, "David Tenant played The Doctor in Doctor No." "WHO!" I loudly snapped. "David Tennant!" Auntie Meryl exclaimed, "I've just said." "No," I said, getting ever more annoyed "Doctor Who!" "Doctor No," snapped Auntie Meryl, "I've just told you!" "Oh, for crying out loud," I snapped, "David Tennant played The Doctor in Doctor Who, and Sean Connery played James Bond in Doctor No. I'm not asking a question when I say 'Doctor Who'. I'm naming the show. Do you get it now!?" There was a short silence as I resisted the urge to grab hold of Auntie Meryl's throat and strangle her to death. "So, who's John Barrowman," she asked.  "Oh, for f*cks sake," I snapped, as I started to pace up and down, "This woman is driving me mad." "Meryl," said Naomi, "Can you just tell us more about this Beth."