Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 898: Wednesday 13th March 2019

Entry 898
Wednesday 13th March 2019

I am starting to feel better. Thank God.

I've stopped being sick, I don't have diarrhoea anymore and whilst my stomach is still aching, it's not as bad as it has been. I think I'm on the mend.

Mum came to see me today. God knows why! She said was trying to comfort me but she did the exact opposite. "I suppose seeing you all sick brings out my maternal side," she said. "Maternal side?" I said, "You don't have maternal side." "Don't say that," said Mum. "It's true," I said, "You're about as maternal as that hamster I had when I was ten." "Aaaaaw," Mum said in an affectionate tone, "Do you mean Tinkerbell? The one that snuggled into you and when you picked her up? Aaaaaw, she was a lovely little hamster." "No," I bluntly said, "I mean Ursula; the one who ate her children." "Listen to me," said Mum, "It's thanks to me that you're here." "What?" I said, "Laid in this bed, feeling like sh*t? Yeah. I've probably caught some sort of weird air-borne infection from you that you contracted off one of your many sexual partners." "I'm talking about convincing Blade to bring you and Sector F here," said Mum. "No," I said, "It was Sci-Fi Cyn who did that." "Oh?" said Mum, "What did I do?" "You and Ash and the other ACROBAT lot made Goyle come looking for us to get us to The Base in exchange for handing over the detonation codes." "Exactly," said Mum, "So you should watch your lip and be a bit more grateful to me." "Mum," I bluntly said, "Why are you here?" "Well I got frozen with you lot," she said. "No," I said, rolling my eyes, "I mean why are you hear in in my room?" "Well, you're not well, sausage," said Mum, "I want to make you feel better." "You're not," I said, "Can you just leave me alone please so I can relax?" Mum ignored me and for some reason thought it was a good idea to tell me about some of her sexual exploits. "I was a on a cruise once and I met this guy called Mac Lawson. He did a bit of drawing, so because we were on a ship, I kept calling him Jack Dawson. You know? Referencing Titanic? I used to go to his cabin, take off my clothes, lie on his bed and say; I want you to draw me like one of your French girls. He said I was like a beautiful, elegant ship. We were like teenagers. We couldn't stop quoting lines from Titanic. Do you know what he said to me?" "God bless all who sail in her?" I said. "No, silly, that's not from Titanic," said Mum. "God himself could not sink this ship?" I said, "That's from Titanic." "He said when he was with me, he felt like he was king of the world," said Mum, "Oh he was lovely. Mind you the guy that I actually went on the cruise with found out we were shagging each other." "God, Mum, that's awful," I said. "Oh, it was only meant to be a casual thing," said Mum, "He was getting too serious. When he found out I'd been shagging Mac, he asked me to marry him. I said no. He called me a whore but then it gave me the chance to quote another Titanic line; I'd rather be his whore than your wife. Oh, we giggled." "Yeah," I bluntly said, "It sounds hilarious." "Do you know," said Mum, "He used to go so deep..." "AAAAAAGH!" I loudly said, "Stop it, just stop it. I don't need to know anymore. To quote another line from Titanic; stop it mother, you'll give yourself a nose bleed... and me one too for that matter." "I was going to say, he used to go so deep when we had long meaningful conversations," said Mum, "Mind you when he bent me over and did me from behind, I thought his semen was going to fly out of my mouth." "OH MY GOD!" I loudly yelled, "Just stop. In fact, do you know what? Get out? Go on. Just get lost." "Well that's charming isn't it?" said Mum, "Don't come crying to me if you need your back rubbed or your nose wiped." "I won't!" I snapped.

Later in the afternoon Richard came to see me and keep me company. God, this was depressing! "It's not nice being ill is it?" Richard said in a glum tone. "No," I said. "Sickness," said Richard. "Yeah," I said. "Diarrhoea," said Richard. "Indeed," I said. "A blocked nose," said Richard. "That's right," I said. "Sore throat," said Richard. "Yep," I said. "You ache all over your body," said Richard. "Hmm," I said. "You look in the mirror and see that you look like sh*t," said Richard. "Yeah, OK..." I said, starting to get annoyed. "Lying in bed thinking it would be easier to just go to sleep and never wake up," said Richard. "Yeah alright Eeyore!" I loudly snapped, "I get it! Have you just come round here to give me a running commentary of my symptoms? Christ you're always going on about doom and gloom." "Well there's not much to smile about is there?" said Richard, "The world is more or less over. Civilisation as we know it has come to an end. There are more infected people than non-infected. A lot of friends and family are dead, and if someone else we love dies we have only got seconds to get away from them before they come back and try to kill us, robbing us of a chance to say goodbye." There was a short pause. "Well that's really f*cking cheery," I said, "Thanks for coming round to cheer me up." "It's even worse for you," said Richard, "A man living in a spare room away from his son because he hates him and trying to avoid being insulted and harassed by islanders who think you're a promiscuous gay sex pest who eats dog sh*t and poos on children." "Will you shut the f*ck up!?" I snapped, "I mean, do you really think any of this is helping?! Christ, why is your glass always half empty?" "I don't have a glass," said Richard. "I'm speaking metaphorically," I said. "Oh, I only know a little bit of French," said Richard. "Richard," I said, "I'm saying that you always seem to look on the negative side of things. Do you ever have a half full glass?" "Well it depends what I'm drinking," said Richard. "No," I said, sighing with frustration, "I mean if you had a glass with some pop in it, you'd probably think it was half full." "I don't really like pop," said Richard. "Of course, you don't," I said, rolling my eyes, "But the point I'm making is that you wouldn't see your glass as being half full; you'd probably see it as being half empty, wouldn't you?" "Well I don't know," said Richard, "But knowing my luck I'd probably cut my finger on the glass. That's why I try and drink out of a plastic beaker."

Richard eventually left and Ash came round. It was nice to see him. We had a cuppa and a chat together. He asked me if I'd thought about Kyle. I haven't. I suppose I have come to accept that it's better that we have some time apart; maybe a lot of time apart.

If I feel better tomorrow, I think I'll go back to the community centre and see how everyone's getting on with the KISS campaign. I'll be glad to get out of this bed and out of this house and get back to work; even if I am just sweeping the floors and doing admin.