Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 904: Tuesday 19th March 2019

Entry 904
Tuesday 19th March 2019

I went to see Auntie Meryl today. I took Trudy with me. For some stupid reason I thought it would be a good idea.

When we arrived at the community centre Auntie Meryl was sat in the corner playing around with the iPad Blade gave her. "Hi Auntie Meryl," I said, as I gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Hi Meryl," said Trudy, as she gave her a kiss on the other cheek, "How have you been?" "Yeah," I said, "How did you get on underground?" "Bl**dy awful," said Auntie Meryl, "I had to sleep in this single bed. It was like trying to get some kip on a tight rope. My right boob was hanging out of the righthand side of the bed and my left boob was hanging out of the left-hand side of the bed, and the bed was so narrow it was like someone was trying to floss my arse. I'm glad everything's back to normal. Did you hear what that Blade fella said yesterday? He was the one who brought the infected here from the mainland? Silly sod." "Yeah, well we kind of knew about it," I said. "You what?" said Auntie Meryl.

I told Auntie Meryl about Naomi and Mike releasing he infected and planting him in Natasha's shed to try and frame her. "So, we were all copped up underground because of that silly mare you never seem to be able to get together with, and that mad bloke who's always got his head up your arse?" snapped Auntie Meryl, "Selfish sods. This is all bl**dy stupid. There aren't infected on the island, so who cares if these big proposals go through. It'll take years for there to be a build-up of infected to a point where we have to worry. Your son, a 15-year-old boy dealt with a handful of infected, so I really don't see what all this fuss is about. You don't half hang around with some dodgy people." "Yeah but Natasha didn't exactly help," I said. "Who?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Natasha," I said, "You know, Natasha." "I don't know who she is," said Auntie Meryl. "Yes, you do," I said, "Have I met her?" asked Auntie Meryl. "No," I said. "Then how the frig am I meant to know who she is?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Natasha Swann," said Trudy. "What?" said Auntie Meryl. "Swann," I said, "Swann. I went on a date with her, remember?" "You went on a date with a swan?" said Auntie Meryl, "Bl**dy Hell, that's a bit desperate." "We went for a meal together!" I exclaimed. "You went for a meal with a swan?" said Auntie Meryl, "How does that work? I don't even know what swans eat. Bread? No, that's ducks. They're protected you know. Swans, not ducks. If the Queen found out you'd been having it away with a swan she'd throw you into the tower of London and you'd be done for treason." "Auntie Meryl, she's a complete b*tch who's full of her own self-importance." "Who? The Queen?" said Auntie Meryl, "Well I know she goes on a bit in those Christmas speeches, but I suppose that's her job." "I'm talking about Natasha," I exclaimed, "Natasha Swann. The one who's running the QCUC campaign." "The what C what C?" said Auntie Meryl. "Quarantine, Care, Utilize, Cure," I said. "What are you doing?" said Auntie Meryl, "You're just shouting random words." "It's what QCUC stands for," I said. "So?" said Auntie Meryl, "YMCA stands for Young Men's Christian Association. What's your point?" "Luke's telling you that Natasha knew the infected was in her shed and she didn't tell anyone," said Trudy. "So?" said Auntie Meryl, "I used to have a crate of knock-off cider in my shed and I never told anyone." "Yes, but cider isn't going to get someone killed," I said. "Tell that to my old friend Betty Crack," said Auntie Meryl, "She gulped down a bottle and ended up in A&E having her stomach pumped." "The point is that everything would have been fine, if she'd been honest and told someone about what was in her shed" I said. "Well it wasn't Betty Crack's shed, it was my shed," said Auntie Meryl. "I'm not on a bout f*cking Betty Crack!" I snapped, "I'm on about Natasha." "Who's Natasha?" said Auntie Meryl. "Oh God!" I said, rolling my eyes. "Is she the one with the shed?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Yes!" I loudly exclaimed, "If she'd have said that there was an infected in her shed none of us would have been sent underground." "Look, never mind all that sh*t," said Trudy, "Meryl, what's all this cr*p about you being a lesbian." "Oh, I'm not a lesbian anymore," said Auntie Meryl, "I've decided to give crochet a try instead." There was short pause. Trudy turned her head and gave me a blunt look. I looked at Auntie Meryl with confusion. "Sorry," I said, shaking my head in bewilderment, "You're saying you're NOT a lesbian?" "That's right," said Auntie Meryl. "But what about Beth?" I said. "Who's Beth?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Oh God, don't start," I said, "You know who Beth is. Me ad Naomi met her. You said she was your girlfriend." "Oh, we're not together anymore," said Auntie Meryl, "Look, can you figure out how to get this iPad thingy to get on to the crossword game. I can't figure out the bl**dy thing." "Never mind that," I said, "What's happened with you and Beth?" "Got rid," said Auntie Meryl, "She said some weird things. Did you know that being a lesbian meant that I had to give her half of my money? Well I said all of my money is in my bank account and these bank accounts don't really have much. She had some other funny ideas too. Did you know being a lesbian means you've got to look at another woman's.... another woman's downstairs bits." "Well, yes!" I loudly exclaimed, "Of course I knew that! That's what being a lesbian is all about!" "Well no one told me that," said Auntie Meryl, "I thought it was just about getting your hair cut short and playing a few games of darts. I don't want to look at another woman's lady bits. Bl**dy Hell I haven't even seen my own in 25 years so I certainly don't want to go looking at someone else's. I don't know what's down there and I don't want to know, and I definitely don't want to know what someone else has got down there. There could be a family of dormice setting up home down there. I don't know and I don't want to know. You know she asked me if I wanted a Brazilian. I told her I didn't really like spicy food. I nearly sh*t myself when she told me what it was. I mean if we weren't meant to have a hairy fairy down there then God wouldn't have given us pubes, would he?" "I don't believe all this," I said, "Auntie Meryl, you're unbelievable. I've been worried sick about you." "Do you know," said Trudy, "My sisters' boyfriend's brother's boss's probation officer was a lesbian. She had really short hair and wart on her lip. You know, her girlfriend worked at Waitrose, which was weird because her actual name was Emma Ness. I met her once at this pub called the Docker's Arms. She spilt a drink on me and never said sorry. I kneed her in the m*nge. Dozy dyke." "So," I said to Auntie Meryl, ignoring Trudy, "What does Beth think about you no longer being a lesbian?" "Oh, she's dead," said Auntie Meryl, as she casually continued playing around with the iPad. "What do you mean, dead?" I said. "As in, not alive, d*ckhead," snapped Trudy. "Yeah she's dead," said Auntie Meryl, "I think she's going to be used as part of this Q&A debate." Auntie Meryl put the iPad down and picked up something she'd been crocheting. "What do you think of this?" she said, "I know I'm a beginner but it's not too bad is it?" There was a slight pause as I stared at Auntie Meryl in disbelief. "Is that all you're going to say!?" I loudly gasped, "Aren't you going to give us any more details?" "Well," said Auntie Meryl, looking at what she'd crocheted, "It's supposed to be a blanket and that bit is meant to be a butterfly..." "I'm not on about the bl**dy blanket," I snapped, "I'm talking about Beth. How did she die?" "Well, she just stopped breathing," said Auntie Meryl. "Yeah," I bluntly said, "I get that, but how exactly did she die?" "Well it was a tragic accident," said Auntie Meryl, "It turns out she was getting all chummy with Sue, a woman who lived in the next street to me. From what I heard Beth had her face in Sue's... lady bush... if you know what I mean... and from what I hear the bush was overgrown and Beth suffocated to death." "Oh, don't be ridiculous," I said. "It's true," said Auntie Meryl, "Karen who goes from door to door giving people books to read found her."
"Oh well if Karen said so it must be true," I snapped. "I'm telling you," said Auntie Meryl, "Karen walked in the house with a Gilly Cooper in her hands and was lucky to leave with her life intact. She saw Beth and Sue both infected. Karen was terrified. She had to run for her life. Anyway, Karen told the soldiers, they all descend on the house, they shot and killed Sue and restrained Beth and carted her off." "This is b*llcoks," I said, "If all this was true, Blade would have said something." "Why would he?" said Trudy, "It sounds like the situation got dealt with quickly. If he's going to use this Beth b*tch in the Q&A debate I suppose we'll find out then what's happened." "Auntie Meryl," I said, "If all this is true, then how do you know Beth was doing something sexual with this Sue and how do you know Beth died from suffocating in her pubic hair? I mean it all sounds a bit far-fetched." "Listen," said Auntie Meryl, "I spoke to Karen. She said that when she walked into that house both Sue and Beth were totally naked. Sue had public hair like Diana Ross's 1970's afro, and Beth had dark bits of hair sticking out of her teeth like she'd been chewing on a wire brush." "You know," said Trudy, "My Mum's sister's husband's daughter's sister's oldest brother." I stopped and tried to work out what Trudy had just said. "So... your cousin?" I bluntly said. "I suppose," said Trudy, "So, just say f*cking cousin then!" I snapped, "Why do you have to go all around the houses?" "Anyway," said Trudy, "Darren; my mum's sister's husband's daughter's sister's oldest brother, was shacked up with this woman; Tanesha she was called, and she refused to shave her muff. We used to go swimming together. It was awful. She'd put her swimsuit on and it looked like a family of spiders were trapped in her crotch and desperately trying to escape. Anyway, when our Darren was down there, giving her a bit of labia loving he struggled to get his breath and when he tried to move, Tanesha pushed his head into her muff. She thought he was enjoying it. All those noises he was making, she thought were pleasure. When he eventually came up for air he looked as white as a ghost. Lesson learned. Whenever I have a bloke down there, I make sure we schedule breaks to make sure my downstairs lady afro doesn't kill him." "OK," I said, starting to lose the will to live, "So to summarise, you're not a lesbian?" "Oi, I've never been a lesbian," snapped Trudy. "I'm talking to Auntie Meryl," I snapped, "So, Auntie Meryl, you're not a lesbian and Beth is dead and according to you and this Karen, she suffocated in a mass of pubic hair. Is that right?" "That's right," said Auntie Meryl, "Now don't just sit there like a useless t*t. Go and make some tea."

I don't believe this! I'm glad Auntie Meryl is not a lesbian, and I'm glad Beth is out of the way, but it feels like it's all been a momentary phase of madness. I can't believe Auntie Meryl didn't think that being a lesbian meant you'd have to look at another woman's f*nny! I mean. Jesus Christ!

Anyway; now that that madness is over I can turn my attention back to more important things, namely what my new job is going to be and which way it's going to go with the election...