Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 893: Friday 8th March 2019

Entry 893
Friday 8th March 2019

I'm going to emigrate...TO THE MOON!

Yet again I made a complete embarrassment of myself in front of Antony Fisher again today and if I thought that being on my knees with me face covered in horse snot in front of a naked Mike was mortifying, today's humiliation completely trumped that! I'm utterly mortified, and being brought home in handcuffs by armed GRID soldiers made matters worse!

After reporting in, Mike and I met with Blade, Sci-Fi Cyn and Naomi at the community centre and talked about yesterday's canvassing. Naomi and Sci-Fi Cyn paired up and went canvassing around Cowes whilst me and Mike were in Newport. Naomi and Sci-Fi Cyn said that they didn't have much luck getting support either, and that many islanders told them they'd be voting for Natasha too. I felt very deflated upon hearing this. "How did you two get on?" Naomi asked. "Mike and I exchanged awkward looks. "It went OK," said Mike. I didn't know what to say. Should I have been honest and said that we secured some votes by promising to make a soap opera, setting someone's house on fire, intimidating a ten-year-old, and threatening his Dad? I thought not. Naomi, Blade and Sci-Fi Cy looked at me and waited for my response. "Err... Yeah," I said, "You know. Not, too bad. Up and down." Naomi frowned with suspicion and she noticed the guilty look on my face. "OK," she said, "What's going on?" "The Wriggly Worm looks guilty," said Sci-Fi Cyn. "That's what I was thinking," said Naomi. "We actually got two or three people that said they'd vote for us," said Mike, "Luke's just been modest." "Wow, that's great," said Naomi with a big happy smile, "Check you out. Sounds like you were on fire." "No!" Mike, loudly said in a defensive tone, "It wasn't me. I didn't set anything on fire!" "What?" said a confused Naomi. "Oh nothing," I said, discreetly elbowing Mike in the ribs, "He's just playing around. You know what he's like. Anyway, we'd better get back to Newport and do some more canvassing." "Hang on," said Blade, "I didn't think you wanted to go back out there with Mike." "Well, we can give it another go and see how we get on for a second day," I said, quickly ushering Mike out of the door and picking up some more leaflets, "See you all later." Mike and I left the building and after I'd finished berating him from opening his big mouth we went to Newport.

When Mike and I arrived in Newport, we once again spent hours going from door-to-door, canvassing and trying to generate support for the KISS campaign. Again, I received a number of insults; porky poo eater, dog abuser, animal hater, famous frozen f*ck-wit, the child killer's father, the man who sh*ts on kids. None of this made me feel particularly good about myself. I also had to restrain Mike a few times from punching a few people in the face. The bottom line is that a lot of people are saying they're going to vote for Natasha and I don't think I'm the right person to be doing the canvassing.

Mike and I decided to give the residential streets a miss, and go into the centre of Newport, thinking we'd have better luck there.  The town centre was busy-ish. People were going in and out of TopShop and TopMan that was selling a reduced number of clothing items; next door a few people were sat outside Costa Coffee drinking tea and slurping cappuccinos, and across the road people were walking past the boarded up William Hill Bookmakers, the abandoned Entertainer Toy Shop and the disused NatWest which had large pieces of wood nailed up against the windows and doors. "OK," said Mike, "What do we do now?" "I guess we getting chatting to people and start handing out some leaflets," I said. "Look at that," said Mike, pointing down the street. I followed Mike's eyeline and saw Natasha. She was stood at a little home-made stall outside a small supermarket talking to people and handing out leaflets for the QCUC campaign. Her stall looked, although home-made, rather impressive and pretty professional; banners, leaflets, balloons, a team of people, and she was right next to a supermarket too where lots of people were coming and going. I quickly jumped and hid behind a tree. Mike followed. "What's up?" he asked. "Well, I don't want her to see me, do I?" I snapped, "Oh God. This is a nightmare. I peered around the corner. "Look at that," I said to Mike, "She's got a stall. We don't have stall. She's even got f*cking balloons. What have we got? Each other and some leaflets? We look pathetic. We need to make sure she doesn't see us. I noticed a dopy smile appear on Mike's face. "What are you doing?" I said, "What are you smiling for?" "It's too late," said Mike, "She's seen me. She's waving at me. She's coming over!" "Sh*t!" I gasped, quickly handing Mike all of the leaflets, "I'm not here. You're on your own. OK? I'm NOT here." I pushed myself up against the other side of the tree to make sure Natasha didn't see me. I could see the uncomfortable look on Mike's face out of the corner of my eye and I was desperately hoping he wasn't going to say anything that gave me away. "Hello, Mike," said Natasha, as she approached, "What are you doing here?" "Luke's not here!" Mike loudly sad with a guilty look on his face. "Well, yes," said Natasha, "I can see that. You're on your own, but who was here a minute ago? It looked like you were talking to someone." "Err..." stuttered a nervous Mike, "I was talking to this tree..." There was a short pause. "You were talking to this tree?" said a confused Natasha. "Yeah," said Mike, "Err... Hello tree. How are you today tree?" "Why are you talking to a tree?" asked Natasha. "Well, someone's got to talk to them," said Mike, "I'm not exactly going to talk to the pavement, am I? I mean, the tree's alive isn't it? The pavement isn't it?" "I think I know what's going on here," said Natasha. "You do...?" Mike tentatively said. "Yeah," said Natasha, "It's obvious." "Oh God," said Mike, "I'm such a bad liar. I mean I know I lied well yesterday but that was different. I'm just sh*t at keeping secrets." "You're here to spy on us, aren't you?" said Natasha. "You what?" said Mike. "Yeah, that's it isn't it?" said Natasha, "You've come to check out what the enemy's up to. Well, we've got nothing to hide. Come over and I'll show what we're doing and how we're going to whip your arse in this election. Come on. I'll show you what we've got back on our little stall." Natasha smiled at Mike and tapped her coat pocket. "What's in there?" asked Mike. "It's my secret plan," said Natasha, "Obviously I'm not going to share THAT with you. It's top secret. It might only be a small piece of paper but it stays right here in my pocket." "Err... Ok," said Mike, "I'll just tie up my shoe lace and come over."