Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 780: Thursday 15th November 2018

Entry 780
Thursday 15th November 2018

I made a right t*t of myself today. Why the hell do these things always happen to me!?

I woke up feeling relieved that the house no longer stank of cow sh*t, but when I got downstairs Ash was in the living room with Mia but Mum wasn't there. I thought this was a bit weird because Mum usually gets up before me. I gently knocked on her bedroom door, slowly pushed it forward and tentatively entered her room. Her bed hadn't been slept in. Feeling annoyed, I rolled my eyes and stormed back downstairs into the living room. "Her bed's not been slept in!" I snapped. "Whose? your Mum's?" asked Mia. "No, the Queen of Sheba's!" I sarcastically exclaimed, "Of course my Mum's! You know where she'll be, don't you? She'll be in bed with that fat hairy farm hand!" "Who? The queen of Sheba?" asked Mia. "No, you silly cow," I snapped, "I'm on about my Mum. I bet she stayed over at Keith's.  She did this when I was a kid. She'd just disappear for days on end and when she eventually showed up she'd casually say that she'd spent the weekend with a bloke in the Travel Lodge in Pontefract, or the Premier Inn in Scunthorpe, or the Best Western Hotel in Goole, or the Alton Towers Hotel, the list goes on. God, she never changes." "Luke she's a fully-grown woman," said Ash, "She can have sex with whoever she wants. So what if she wants to stay out?" "Yeah but don't you think it'd be nice if she had the courtesy to tell us that she wasn't coming home?" "How?" asked Ash, "We don't have telephones. Anyway, why do you care so much? Anyone would think you cared." "Oh, shut up, Ash," I said, "She's still my Mum."

I know my Mum's an adult and of course she can do what she wants but seeing that her bed hasn't been slept in just made me angry. It reminded me of how I felt when I was a kid. God, she can be such a selfish cow sometimes. I suppose a part of me is also worried about her, although maybe I don't like to fully admit it. Oh, what am I worrying about!? She'll be back when she feels like it and will turn up with a big casual smile on her face. She always does.

I spent some of the morning sat with Mia and Leo on the sofa. I tried to find out why Mia locked herself away in her old flat but she wouldn't tell me. She just kept looking away and changing the subject. I decided not to pressure her. Maybe I'll never find out. "I forgot to tell you," said Mia, "I got this for Leo." Mia produced a medium sized cuddly toy from the side of the sofa; a brown and white dog that looked a bit like a Staffy. "He can play with it," said Mia, "What do you think?" "I don't know?" I said, "It's an ugly looking thing isn't it?" "They were giving them away for free at Sainsbury's," said Mia. "Yeah, I can see why," I said, "Just don't start bringing loads of soft toys home. Leo's too young for all that sh*t, and I don't want the house cluttered with loads of crap." I took hold of the soft toy. It was quite life-like and rather heavy. I think Mia producing the soft toy was an attempt to get me to stop asking her why she locked herself away in her old flat. Like I said; I won't push her on it, but it is weird how she avoids talking about the fact that she's going to be a Mum.

In the afternoon Katie from the Isle of Wight newspaper turned up; a young woman in her twenties, with dark glasses and shoulder length dark hair, but the meeting did not go to plan. In fact, it was a complete nightmare! When Katie arrived, Leo was having a nap, Mia had gone out and Ash was in the living room. I was in the kitchen making some tea when Ash came in. "That journalist is here," he said, "Check you out with your celebrity status." "Don't be daft," I said, "It's just a short piece for the local newspaper. I'm hardly a celebrity." "You were frozen for five weeks," said Ash, "These days I think that comes under the heading 'celebrity'. Anyway, she wants tea with milk and two sugars. She's just popped upstairs to the loo." I finished making my tea, made Katie a drink and exited the kitchen with both cups of hot tea. As I entered the living room, I noticed Mia's soft dog toy on the floor. I looked over at Ash who was sat on the sofa. I set the teas down on the coffee table and at that point unbeknown to me, Katie, who'd just been to the loo, had finished descending the stairs and appeared behind me.  "For God's sake," I said, rolling my eyes, "What's the silly cow doing leaving this f*cking ugly thing lying around?" I took a step closer to the soft toy, extended my arms and grabbed hold of the cuddly toy. "Get over there you ugly little f*cker," I said. I quickly chucked the soft toy in the air and kicked it across the living room like a professional footballer. A painful yelp was heard emanating from the soft toy. Ash gasped, my eyes widened, my jaw dropped to the floor and my body became consumed with goose bumps as Katie gave an almighty scream and ran past me. "CASSIE!" she screamed. What I thought was Mia's soft toy of a cuddly dog, was Katie's ACTUAL dog; Cassie; a brown and white staff that I had just pelted across the room like a football and who I'd just called an ugly f*cker whilst her owner stood behind me. I was mortified. "Luke, what the f*ck are you doing!?" exclaimed Ash. "I thought it was Mia's soft toy!" I exclaimed. I hurried over to the scene and saw Katie cradling her Staffy in her arms. "I am so, so, so, so sorry," I said with desperation in my voice and horror plastered across my face, "Is he OK?" "He is a SHE!" Katie loudly snapped, "And of course she's not alright. You've just kicked her across the room like a bl**dy football you flaming idiot! What's wrong with you!? You could have killed her. If there was an RSPCA I'd be reporting you. Oh, and I am NOT a silly cow. I love my little Cassie and I take her everywhere with me!" I picked up Mia's soft toy and showed it to Katie. "No," I said, desperately trying to explain, "I thought your dog was THIS dog, and when I said silly cow, I was on about my house mate Mia who I thought had left this cuddly toy on the floor. I was talking about her, not you. I thought Cassie was this toy. You've got to admit they look the same."  "THAT is a stuffed toy and my Cassie is a gorgeous little dog and you nearly killed her. She's probably traumatised for life now because of you. I need to leave. My Cassie needs taking to the vet." Cradling Cassie in her arms, Katie walked to the front door and then turned and gave me a vicious look. "If there's anything wrong with her, then I will be coming back here and you'll be paying for this with YOUR credits!" With the traumatised Staffy in her arms, Katie left in a huff, leaving me with a horrified looking Ash. "What the f*ck was that?" he exclaimed. "I've told you!" I loudly said, "I thought it was Mia's bl**dy soft toy!" "How the hell can you confuse a cuddly toy with an actual dog?" exclaimed Ash. "Do you really think I would pick up a dog and kick it across the room?" I said. "Well that's exactly what you just did," said Ash. "Are you deaf?" I snapped, "I thought it was that bl**dy soft toy, Mia got for Leo." "I don't understand how ONE person can get himself into so many scrapes," said Ash, "Pushing people out of wheelchairs one day and then kicking a dog across a room, the next. What are you going to do tomorrow? Run over a group or orphans?" "Oh f*ck off, Ash," I bluntly said, "We can't all be as perfect as you." "I'm not perfect," said Ash, "I'm just not a walking disaster like you."

I hope Blade doesn't get to find out about me kicking the dog across the room. I'm sure he'll be round telling me off again, making me feel like a naughty school boy – a bit like when Esther used to tell me off when we were in the school. I haven't thought about Esther in a while. I wonder how things would have turned out if she was still alive?

Anyway, I'm going to go to bed. I want to try and forget about today and hope that a) I can forget about today and b) not suffer any consequences as a result of my awful actions today. I can't believe I kicked a Staffy across the living room....