Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 878: Thursday 21st February 2019

Entry 878
Thursday 21st February 2019

Bit of a quiet day with a dollop of embarrassment in front of Blade.

Work was rather uneventful, apart from when TJ turned up. "Ay up Elizabeth," he said, "Tried to bum any more blokes in the bogs?" "Oh, shut up TJ," I said, "It wasn't like that and you know it." "When our Mike said what's wrong with one bloke trying to pull another one off – God – I nearly p*ssed myself with laughter." "Have you come here to report on or take the p*ss out of me?" I bluntly asked. "A bit of both," said TJ. "Well get lost," I said, "I'm busy." Comedy timing, Nanna," giggled TJ, "And all in front of that new bloke Antony. He thinks you're a right gay weirdo, and I don't blame him. First you threaten to get your embarrassingly tiny c*ck out in front of him, and then you try and get my brother to bum you in the bogs whilst he's stood right behind you. That's why Natasha chucked you isn't it? Cos you're a big gay and you want my brother to bum you?" "TJ, just f*ck off or I'll tell Blade you didn't report and he'll send a gang of big, butch burly men round to yours."  "Sounds like your idea of a good night," giggled TJ. God he's an annoying tw*t!

Later on, Mike turned up to report in. "I'm sorry about yesterday babes," he said, "I was only trying to help." "Yeah I know you were," I said, "But you ended up making me look like a right idiot." "How do you mean?" asked Mike. "Well you started talking about one man pulling another man off," I said. "Yeah," said Mike, "Me pulling you off in the cubicle." "Pulling me off the toilet!" I exclaimed, "How do you always manage to make everything sound so... so... so... Oh I don't know. I was really embarrassed yesterday, and it didn't help when you started talking about your big knob." Mike pulled the knob to his bedroom door out of his pocket. "You mean this?" said Mike. "Yes, this!" I snapped, as I grabbed the knob out of Mike's hand and started waving it around, "Can't you call it something else? A handle or something?" "But it's not a handle," said Mike, "It's a knob." "Oh for crying out loud," I said, as I continued waving Mike's doorknob around, "Just THINK before you open your mouth yeah?" I gave Mike his knob back and he looked very sulky. "We still haven't been to the beach," said Mike with a sulky expression. "Mike," I said, "I've got a lot on my plate. I don't know when we will go to the beach, but I promise you we will at some point."

Blade popped round and told me that one of his admin team was typing up all the points from yesterday's steering group in preparation for a meeting with Natasha. I reminded him that Natasha was on the GRID admin team and he told me that Natasha was no longer in that role, and that she was currently with a role on the island. "You sacked her?" I said, "I bet she didn't like that." "Well she agreed with me that under the circumstances it was best if she didn't work for GRID," said Blade, "So I didn't really sack her." "Well I'm ready for this meeting," I said, "We can all confront her and tell her just how sh*t her proposals are." "Luke," said Blade, "I'd like to ask you a question." "OK," I said, sounding apprehensive, "This sounds ominous." "What was going on with you and Mike in the toilets yesterday?" "Oh, look," I said, trying to explain "I..." "Luke," said Blade, interrupting me, "I want you to know that I'm a man of the world. Hell, I'm one of the most open-minded men you'll ever meet and I have no problem with people being gay, but gay straight or heterosexual we can't go having sex in public toilets, Luke." "I'm not gay," I said, "It was all a big misunderstanding. I dropped my keys down the loo and as I tried to reach into the u-bend to grab them I got stuck. That's when Mike turned up and I asked him to help me." "Oh!!" said Blade, chuckling, "Well that explains everything. Good God, Luke, you certainly do manage to get yourself into some scrapes. I thought you were experimenting with your sexuality or something." "No," I giggled, "I'm not gay. Mike's not gay. There's nothing like that going on with me and Mike."

At that moment the front door opened and Mike walked in. "Hiya babes," he said to me, "Sorry to barge in but have you seen my house keys anywhere?" "Someone else losing their keys," said Blade. "No," I said, "Why would I have seen your keys?" "Well I thought they might have dropped on the floor when you were playing with my knob earlier on." Blade's eyes widened and my mouth fell open. "Oh, hang on," said Mike, noticing the expressions on mine and Blade's faces, "I wasn't supposed to say that was I? You didn't want me to talk about my knob did you?" "I think I'd better go," said Blade. As he walked towards the door. "Jon," I said, "That's not how it sounds. Let me explain." "Luke, it's none of my business," said Blade, "What you two get up to in private is nothing to do with me." "Oh, it wasn't in private," said Mike, "He was playing with knob in the conservative club." "Mike, shut up!" I loudly snapped. "I'm going to go," said Blade. I tried to call after Blade and convince him to stay so I could explain but it was obvious from the look on his face that he wanted to leave very quickly. Blade felt and I once again felt humiliated. "Did I say something wrong?" asked Mike. "Yes," I snapped. "Why don't you like me talking about my knob?" asked Mike. I told Mike I hadn't seen his keys and that he should go look in the conservative club himself. God, he's just as annoying as TJ sometimes, except in a different way. He's so oblivious to things!

Still no joy with Kyle. I knocked on his door and asked him if he wanted to go for a walk on the beach. He told me to get lost. I suppose it's an improvement from f*ck off. I wonder if he spoke about me to his therapist when he saw them on Monday. I remember when I was his age and I saw a therapist after walking in on Mum getting f*cked up the arse by the milkman whilst giving one of the binmen a blowjob. That's when I had a social worker for a time; Claire Kennedy. I remember her. She was nice. Kyle is going to have to talk to me at some point. He can't keep this up forever. Which is what I remember the milk man saying to my Mum! I still get a bit of a shiver down my spine whenever I see a bottle of milk. Mind you, that's one of many sex related traumas involving my Mum that I have been exposed to!