Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 873: Saturday 16th February 2019

Entry 873
Saturday 16th February 2019

I woke up with a huge smile on my face. I had a great night's sleep and I can't stop thinking about Natasha.

When I was at work, I saw Natasha walk into the reporting station. Like an excited and neurotic school boy I ran over to her. I tried to act all cool and aloof but it didn't work. Natasha saw me running over to her, clambering over chairs and tables, and pushing past people. "Bl**dy Hell," said Natasha, "You're keen to see me." "Well I just wanted to say I had a great time last night," I said. "Yeah, I did too," said Natasha. "Shall we do it again tonight?" I asked. "I can't tonight," said Natasha. "Tomorrow night?" I said. "Oh, I'm seeing friends tomorrow evening," said Natasha. "Monday evening?" I said. "I'm busy then too I'm afraid," said Natasha. "What about Tuesday?" I asked, "If you can't do the evening, we could do something in the afternoon." I realised I was coming across a bit too keen and I think Natasha thought this too. "Luke, you don't need to try so hard," said Natasha, "I'm just here to report in. I told you that you'd hear from me and you will." Natasha gave me a kiss on the cheek. She then went through the mandatory reporting process, gave me a smile and left. I think I might be falling in love. I know I'm still getting to know her but I haven't felt like this in ages.

When I got home my smile was replaced with a frown. TJ was sat in the living room with Ash, Mum, Richard and Roz. Kyle was upstairs with Leo. "Alright Elizabeth," he said with a smug grin, "How did it go with Jabba the Hut last night?" "Do you mean his date?" asked Mum. "Yeah," giggled TJ, "She was a right whale." "What are you talking about?" said Roz, "She was rather attractive." "Well she looked rather manly so I can see why you'd think she wasn't bad looking." Said TJ. "What the Hell does that mean?" snapped Roz. "It means you lezzas like other lezzas to look like men," said TJ, "That's why you walk around looking like a boy." "You're an idiotic misogynist," snapped Roz. "Well thank you very much," said TJ. "It's not a compliment you fool," snapped Roz, "It means you have outdated, chauvinistic views about women." "I'm still struggling to see how it's not a compliment," said TJ. "Pr*ck," said Roz. "Look Roz," said TJ, "Just stop all this passive aggressive flirting. If you want to hop on TJ's titanic todger, then just come out with it." "I'm a lesbian you idiot," said Roz. "Yeah but we all know you dykes like vibrators," said TJ, "And my c*ck can do the job of a vibrator. Actually, it's even better cos it doesn't need batteries." "So, was this N person attractive or not?" asked Mum. "Yes, she was," I said. "Was she f*ck!" exclaimed TJ, "She looked like Nannie from Count Duckula." "No," I said, trying to explain that TJ was confusing Noreen with Natasha. "She was the size of a house," said TJ. "God TJ," said Roz. "No wonder women feel pressured to look a certain way with men like you around. I thought Luke's date was rather attractive." "Can I explain, please?" I said. "Attractive?" said TJ, "She looked like she was auditioning for a white version of 'Nutty Professor The Klumps'. She was like a council house version of Dawn French." "Do you think she was fat?" asked Roz. "Fat," said TJ, "She made Rick Waller look like Rick Moranis." "TJ, she was not fat," said Roz. "She f*cking was," said TJ. "Look, who cares if she's fat or thin," said Mum, "beggars can't be choosers and let's face it; with a face like that, Luke is a beggar. Who cares what size this girl is? Let's just be glad that someone's shown an interest in him and that he can get close to a woman." "Lynn," said TJ, "This woman is so fat that it doesn't matter where you're stood, you're always close to her. We're probably only a few feet away from some part of her body right now." "Well Luke likes her," said Ash, "They kissed." "You what!?" gasped TJ with a big grin on his face. "TJ, it's not what you think," I said. "You kissed her!?" gasped TJ. "Well when I got there, she was practically f*cking his face with a breadstick," said Roz. "HA!" laughed TJ, "The fat half of Laurel and Hardy face f*cked you with a breadstick? Weird really. If she'd have sucked you off she'd have still had less meat in her gob than you when she shoved the breadstick in there." "Just stop!" I loudly snapped, "TJ, you're talking about the Noreen woman. Roz is talking about Natasha – my actual date." "You what?" said TJ, "You had another date once you'd sacked off BarbaPapa? I don't believe it." "It's true," said Roz, "I was there. She was rather attractive." "B*llcks!" exclaimed TJ, "No woman with a functional flange would want to waste it on you." "Well I'm sorry TJ," I said with a big smug grin on my face, "But it turns out you're wrong. We might not have had sex yet but she's into me, and I'm into her. I saw her today during reporting. We like each other a lot. She said she's going to be seeing me soon." "Oh yeah?" said TJ, "When?" "Well," I said, "She didn't say, but she did say she wants to see me." "When?" asked TJ, "Didn't you try and get her to confirm a second date?" "Well yeah," I said, "I suggested a few dates but she said she was busy." Everyone raised their eyebrows and adopted rather cynical expressions. "What are all those looks for?" I bluntly asked. "Never mind sausage," said Mum, in a patronising and disappointing tone, "You gave it your best shot. Maybe we can get you some teeth whitener. That might help." "What do you mean, I gave it my best shot?" I snapped, "Natasha's still into me. We had a great time last night. Even though I ended up at the wrong table with Noreen, and even though Roz turned up, we still had a good time. She kissed me today." "Goodbye kiss by the sound of it," said TJ, "Face it Elizabeth. She's blown you off. And not in a good way." "Yes well we've got more important things to worry about at the minute," said Roz, "Like this speech tomorrow." "What speech?" I asked. "Jesus, you've forgotten, haven't you?" snapped Roz, "Stop thinking with your c*ck for two minutes and think with your brain. We need to go into Cowes and attend this talk on rights for infected. They might say something about Kyle. Remember!?"

We talked about going to the talk in Cowes tomorrow, but I was more bothered about Mum and TJ suggesting that it was over between me and Natasha. I actually feel quite p*ssed off and rather confused. Is it all over? Was the kiss she gave me this morning a goodbye kiss? No! It can't have been. She said she'd see me soon. She kissed me today and we did have a genuinely nice time together last night. Mum is just being critical and negative as usual, and TJ is being his usually tw*tty self. I'm not working tomorrow but I'll see Natasha on Monday and try and get her to come out on a second date. I don't want to pressure her but I don't want to just leave things to slide or fizzle out.