Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 824: Saturday 29th December 2018

Entry 824
Saturday 29th December 2018

We all went to Seaclose Park just outside Newport in the centre of the Island today, to see Blade and hear what he had to say to us all about the recent goings on with Tam, Jules and Naomi J. It was a rather heated event with thousands of people from all across the Isle of Wight in attendance.

After I'd finished work, I met Ash, Mia and Mum outside the entrance to the park. Hundreds and hundreds of people were walking past me, entering the park and walking on to the large green grass area where a stage had been placed for Blade to speak to us all. "My God, there's loads of people," said Mum. "Well everyone on the island was invited," I said, "I suppose we all want to know what's going on. I certainly have a few questions to ask." "How are you going to ask questions?" asked Ash, "You're one bloke in a crowd of thousands." "Well we need to try and get to the front," I said, "Anyway, there'll be some sort of provision for us to ask questions. That's one of the reasons we were all invited here; to ask questions." At that point TJ and Mike appeared. Mike wrapped his arms around me and gave me one of his weird and unusual hugs. "Oh babes," I'm so glad you're alright," he said. I asked Mike to release me from his big bear hug as I was struggling to breath. "Seth told us all about what happened," said Mike, "If I'd have been there, I'd have killed those infected f*ckers and gotten you out of there quicker than you can say Night of the Living Dead. I told Blade I wanted to help rescue you but he said I couldn't. Did those dirty infected piggy's hurt you?" "No," I said, "I'm fine. I'm just glad to be out of there." "I heard you got covered in a bucketful of p*ss," TJ, loudly said with a big grin on his face, "You like your golden showers don't you Nanna?" "It was an accident," I said. "You mean you p*ssed yourself?" giggled TJ. "Leave him alone," Mike said to TJ, "When you're scared it's normal to p*ss yourself." "I didn't p*ss myself!" I exclaimed. "He was the same when he was a kid," said Mum, "He p*ssed his pants when Bambi's Mother died." TJ laughed. "And that was when he was 15," chuckled Mum. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "What Mum isn't telling you," I bluntly said, "Is that Bambi was the name of one of the women my Mum used to work with when she was a stripper, and her mother used to look after me whilst Bambi and my Mum were taking their clothes in front of dirty old men down the local working men's club." "A girls got to a earn a living," said Mum. "Is a golden shower something that rich people have?" asked Mia.

Trudy and Naomi then turned up and approached us. "Look who it is," exclaimed TJ, "It's Thelma and Louise. Who's got Wolverine?" "His name is Primark," snapped Trudy, "And Meryl's got him with Leo and Sophie. 'Ere Luke, I heard you drank some p*ss when you were locked in that garage." "I didn't drink any p*ss," I bluntly said, rolling my eyes, "I just got covered in it... Twice. I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking." "You sure you're OK?" Naomi asked me, "This lot might not admit it, but we were all really worried about you." "I wasn't worried," exclaimed TJ, "Nanna can look after himself. An infected will just look at that hideous complexion and run for the hill. It's Nanna's best weapon." "No Seth?" I asked Naomi, ignoring TJ. "No," Naomi bluntly said, offering no further information. "Everything OK?" I asked. "Fine," Naomi said in a stern tone, "He's doing GRID stuff with Sci-Fi Cyn." Richard and Roz then appeared. "Oi, oi, oi," said TJ, "Look who's here now; Zoe Tate and Eeyore." Roz gave TJ a smug grin and stuck her middle finger up at him to which he responded by blowing a kiss. "TJ, stop being such a pig," Naomi said. "You OK?" Roz asked, "We all heard about what happened." I nodded. "I heard you drank some urine," Richard said in a glum tone. "I didn't drink any urine for f*cks sake," I bluntly said. "They say it's good to drink urine," said Richard, "But I prefer cranberry juice. Aids digestion." "Well there's certainly a lot of people here," said Roz. "I don't like it," said Richard, "I don't like being around people; any number of people really. Not a big fan of people." "Oi shut up chuckles," said Trudy, "We won't be here that long."

As the islanders walked past us towards the stage, I noticed some of them throwing me dirty looks. "Am I being paranoid or am I getting a lot of dirty look?" I asked. Everyone else looked around. "You're being paranoid, Nanna," said TJ, "Why would any f*cker want to look at you?" "No, he's right," said Naomi, "There a few people that don't look very happy." "Well I wouldn't be very happy if I had to look at Nanna's ugly old face." A couple to the far right of me walked towards the park and I saw them giving me an unimpressed look, and another couple to the far left of me who were also walking towards the park, were also giving me dirty looks. "What's up with everyone?" I asked, "Have I got sh*t on my head or something?" "For once; no," said Trudy. "Maybe they think there's something a bit weird about a bloke who eats dog sh*t, drinks p*ss and sh*ts all over a load of primary school kids," said TJ. "F*ck off," I snapped, "I didn't eat dog sh*t, I just chewed it. I didn't drink p*ss, I was just covered in it, and I... Well... Yes, OK, I did sh*t on a load of kids but it's not how you make it sound." An elderly man and woman were walking by and Trudy saw them giving me dirty looks. "What you two f*cking looking at!?" Trudy yelled. "Trudy, shut up," I firmly said. "You never seen a bloke who drinks p*ss, eats sh*t and cr*ps all over children!?" Trudy yelled at the elderly couple, ignoring my instruction to stop, "We all make mistakes you know, you wrinkly old f*ckers!" "Yeah!" Mike, yelled at the old couple, "If you keep giving us evils, I'll get my big knob out and knock you the f*ck out with it! Go on! Jog on you f*cking coffin dodgers!" The couple looked rather scared and quickly started to walk off. "Yeah, that's it, keep walking!" yelled Trudy. "Yeah, go on!" Mike shouted, "Off you go you dirty little piggy's!" Mike and Trudy turned to me with a rather proud grin on their faces. "What the f*ck was that?" I exclaimed. "Just sticking up for you babes," said Mike. "By verbally abusing a couple of pensioners!?" I exclaimed. "You didn't have to go that far," said Naomi, "They were harmless enough." "They were giving Luke a filthy look," said Mike. "That doesn't mean you should start insulting them and throwing insults at them," said a firm Roz, "You're not ten!" "I don't get it," I said, "What's up with them all? What have I done?" "Remember when people said they weren't happy that you killed Catherine and her husband?" said Ash, "Well I think word has got out that you're responsible for Tam, Jules and Naomi J's deaths and people aren't happy." "Seriously!?" I exclaimed. "They were infected," said Mum, "They needed to be killed." "Most of the people on this island have never seen an infected," said Mike, "They don't know how lethal they can be, and think we shouldn't kill them. Someone at work told me that you wouldn't kill someone who had the flu, and said that meant you shouldn't kill someone who was infected." "Idiots," said Naomi, "The E-Virus is very different to the flu." "Don't worry babe," Mike said to me, "If anyone starts on you, I'll snap their tiny little necks for them."