Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 882: Monday 25th February 2019

Entry 882
Monday 25th February 2019

I saw Auntie Meryl and OH. MY. GOD. I can't believe what she told me. I'm still in shock.

I arrived in Newport with Leo at the entrance of the quarantined area and the soldiers on guard took the p*ss out of my swollen face. Arseholes! I was escorted to the community centre and saw Auntie Meryl sat in the seating area knitting. I smiled at Auntie Meryl and started to walk over to her as she looked at me in horror. "What the frigging Hell has happened to your face?" she said. "Oh, don't ask," I said. "Well I am asking," said Auntie Meryl, "Now hand me Leo and tell me why you've come here looking like you've got a loaf of bread wedged in your mouth." "Look," I said, "I've told this story a million times." "Well just give me the highlights," said Auntie Meryl, "I don't need War and Peace." "OK," I said, "Well I went to the beach with Mike, accidentally got set on fire, got burnt, kicked in the balls, hit in the face with a rock, stung by a jellyfish and covered in p*ss when Mike peed on me, and to make the whole thing worse Antony was there with a load of kids and he saw it all." Auntie Meryl gave me a blunt, unimpressed look. "Who's Antony?" she asked. "Some man," I said. "Well I didn't think it was a woman," said Auntie Meryl, "I don't know many women called Antony. Mind you I knew a woman called Keith once." "Auntie Meryl," I said, "I've just told about getting stung by a jellyfish and peed on, and all you can say is who's Antony?" "Well I don't know who he bl**dy is do I?" said Auntie Meryl. "Oh God," I said, "That doesn't matter." "Then why are telling me about him?" said Auntie Meryl. "Because he saw Mike peeing on me," I said, "And that was after he saw what looked like Mike trying to bum me." "Mike tried to bum you on the beach?" said Auntie Meryl. "No, in the toilets," I said. "Which toilets?" asked Auntie Meryl. "In the conservative club," I said. "I've always voted Labour," said Auntie Meryl, "So does that mean you're gay now?" "No!" I exclaimed, "Mike didn't actually bum me." "You just said he did," said Auntie Meryl. "No, I said he tried to," I said. "So, he tried to bum you?" said Auntie Meryl, "That means he didn't. Couldn't he get it up?" "No!" I loudly said. "So, he could get it up?" said Auntie Meryl. "No," I snapped. "Oh, I don't understand what you're on about," said Auntie Meryl. "I dropped my keys down the toilet and my jeans fell round my ankles as I bent down to get them, and I ended up getting my arm stuck. Mike tried to free me and it looked like he was bumming me. He wasn't actually bumming me, or trying to bum me, it just looked like he was bumming me! Do you understand?" "Not really," said Auntie Meryl, "Who's this Antony and what was he doing there when Mike was trying to bum you?" "He was helping me get my keys out from the u-bend!" I snapped. "Who? This Antony?" asked Auntie Meryl. "NO! MIKE!" I yelled. "OK, don't shout," snapped Auntie Meryl, "I might be old but I'm not deaf." "Look," I said, "It doesn't matter. My burns are getting better, the bruise on my face is fading and my face will be sorted in a day or so. Anyway, what have you been doing?" Auntie Meryl looked down at her knitting and then looked at me plainly. "I've been baking a cake," she sarcastically said, "What does it look like I'm doing?! I'm knitting a jumper. If I'd have known that you'd come here with a face like that I'd have knitted a balaclava." "It'll clear up in a day or so," I said. "They said that about Betty Crack's genital wart and that took over a month to sod off. She ended up giving it a name." "Anyway, have you heard about this Natasha Swann person?" I said. "Who?" asked Auntie Meryl. "She's set up this group with loads of people who think we shouldn't kill the infected." "Is this Antony part of this group?" asked Auntie Meryl. "No," I said, "Look, just forget about Antony. Natasha's set up this sort of organisation. It's full of people like her who all think that we should quarantine infected until a cure comes along. I mean, what do you think of that?" "Well I don't like the name Natasha," said Auntie Meryl. "I'm not talking about the name," I said, "I'm talking about her proposal." "She's asked someone to marry her?" asked Auntie Meryl. "No," I said, "I mean her proposal that infected shouldn't be killed, and should instead be cared for. I mean, don't you think it's just madness? First she goes on a date with me – just to get information about Kyle killing all those people, then she embarrasses me, then she treats me like sh*t, then she's rallying all this support to stop infected from being killed." "Is she backwards?" asked Auntie Meryl. "No," I said, "I think she's actually quite intelligent." "Is she ugly?" asked Auntie Meryl. "No," I said, "She's actually quite attractive. "Well has she got some sort of brain disorder?" asked Auntie Meryl. "No," I said, "She's none of those things. Don't you think it's unbelievable!" "I do indeed," gasped Auntie Meryl, "An attractive woman without a brain disorder and she went on a date with you!" "What the Hell does that mean?" I said. "Well no offence, love," said Auntie Meryl, "But you don't have a good track record with the ladies. Caroline turned into a lesbian, that Eve woman was shacked up with that psycho Hillary, Esther was a female version of Hitler, Catherine turned out to be hiding her infected husband and as for you and Naomi, I think you've got more chance of winning the lottery when you haven't even put a pound on." "Its £2 to put the lottery on," I said. "£2!?" exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "Bl**dy rip off. If you save £2 everyday then you'll have a million quid before you die." "Yeah," I sarcastically said, "If you live to be 1,500 years old." "Oh, don't talk daft," said Auntie Meryl, "So didn't it work out with this Natasha?" "No!" I exclaimed, "What have I just said to you?" "Something about living to be over a thousand?" said Auntie Meryl. "I told you that we went on a date but she wasn't realty interested in me," I said, "She just wanted to find out about me and Kyle. She's a two-faced manipulative b*tch. I really liked her and she humiliated me." "Oh Luke, you're not the first man to be humiliated by a woman, and you certainly won't be the last," said Auntie Meryl. "I'm more bothered about how she thinks we should treat infected," I said, "Don't you think that rounding a load of infected and quarantining them all in one place is a stupid idea?" "Well that's more or less what's been done with us lot here," said Auntie Meryl. "The old and the vulnerable have all been dumped together in one place." I suddenly felt rather sad and guilty. "Yeah well you know why you're here," I said, "I know it's not ideal but you're safe." "You mean you're safe," said Auntie Meryl, "You and the other young healthy people are safe from us old vulnerable people, aren't you? If someone here gets infected and comes back running after me, I'm a goner." "The soldiers will keep you safe," I said. "They might not," said Auntie Meryl, "They weren't much use when that fat old bloke came running out Sainsbury's like an epileptic Shrek, were they? It was your bl**dy son that went all Texas Chainsaw Massacre and did what needed to be done. Someone in this place is going to get infected and people are going to die. I hope the soldiers will help us but they might not. Your safety might have increased but mine and everyone else who lives here; our safety has decreased." "Are you trying to make me feel guilty?" I said. "No," said Auntie Meryl, "Just saying." "Hang on," I said, "Are you agreeing with Natasha? Do you think we should quarantine infected instead of killing them?" "Oh, for crying out loud," said Auntie Meryl, "What does it matter? Do you see a load of infected running around?" "Well... No," I said. "Do you see even the odd infected person wondering around?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Err... No," I said. "And apart from the odd freak occurrences that have happened, have you seen any infected on the island – at all?" I paused for a moment and thought. "No," I said, "I suppose I haven't." "Well then," said Auntie Meryl, "What does it matter? This Natasha can make as many proposals as she likes about quarantining the infected, but I don't see what the point in worrying about them is, if there's no bl**dy infected to quarantine." I stopped and thought for a moment. Auntie Meryl's simple yet powerful statement had an impact on me and made a lot of sense. "Wow," I said, "That makes sense. I suppose you're right." "Of course I'm right," said Auntie Meryl, "I didn't get this old by being wrong all of the time. You should listen to me more often." "Yeah I guess maybe I should listen to you more often," I said. "Listen to me more often about what?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Oh, it doesn't matter," I said, "So come on, tell me what else is new." "Well," said Auntie Meryl, "I changed the curtains to my living room, I won bingo twice last week, I've seen a DVD of old episodes of Coronation Street, I'm a lesbian now, and I ate rabbit for the first time the other day." I paused, frowned with confusion and absorbed what I'd just heard. "Sorry," I said, "What was that you just said?" "I ate rabbit," said Auntie Meryl. "No, not that," I said, "Before that. What did you say?" "God, I wish you'd listen," said Auntie Meryl, "I said I changed the curtains to my living room, I won bingo twice, I've seen a DVD of old episodes of Corrie, I'm a lesbian, and I ate rabbit for the first time." I froze to the stop; my eyes wide, eyebrows raised and mouth wide open. "What's that face for?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Well, I'm sorry," I exclaimed, "But after what you've just told me, you've got to expect me to be shocked." "Why?" asked Auntie Meryl, "The rabbit was already dead, it's not like I went out and killed it." "I'm on about you being a lesbian!" I loudly exclaimed. "Oh yeah, that," said Auntie Meryl "Well you know I just fancied a change." "Sorry? What?" I said, "You just fancied a change? What do you mean you just fancied a change?" "You know," said Auntie Meryl, "It's like when you've been eating Victoria Sponge for ages and you fancy eating cheesecake instead." "Err.... Yeah," I bluntly said, "If the cheesecake comes with a big fat lesbian on the side! What the Hell is wrong with you? You don't just decide to become a lesbian. It's not like replacing Victoria Sponge with cheesecake, it's like replacing Victoria Sponge with broccoli. You can eat them both but they're very different." "I'm not a big fan of broccoli," said Auntie Meryl. "This isn't about Victoria Sponge!" I exclaimed, "It's about you telling me you're a lesbian. Auntie Meryl, come on, you are not a lesbian." "Yes, I am," she said. "You don't just decide to become a lesbian," I said, "That's like me deciding to become gay." "Men can't DECIDE to be gay," said Auntie Meryl, "It takes a lot more effort for a man to be gay than it does for a woman to be a lesbian, or a dyke. That's another word for lesbian." "Yes," I bluntly said, "I know." "Anyway, for all the luck you've had with women you might as well be gay," said Auntie Meryl. "Auntie Meryl," I said, "Being unlucky with the ladies doesn't make me gay." "Well I'm not totally convinced it helps you being straight either," said Auntie Meryl. "OK," I said, "Forget about men deciding to become gay. You DECIDING to be a lesbian is like me deciding to become... Err.... Pregnant. It's just not possible. I can't get pregnant because I don't have a womb and you can't be a lesbian because..." "Because I don't have a womb?" said Auntie Meryl, "Well, I do have womb. Well, I think I do. It's like the chess set I used to keep in the bottom of my wardrobe; I might not have used it in a while but it's still there." "No," I said, "I can't get pregnant because I don't have a womb and you can't become a lesbian because you don't have a sexual attraction to women." "Oh, Luke, not everything is about sex," said Auntie Meryl, "I think your pregnant metaphor is rubbish. Deciding to become a lesbian is more like deciding to become a typist. You can give it a go but you're going to need your fingers to be any good at it." "This is ridiculous," I said. "I'm doing this properly," said Auntie Meryl, "I'm going to get my hair cut in a week or so, I've already started playing darts, I've got a rainbow flag in my living room window and I've never been a fan of wearing skirts so that's a plus. I've even got my resting angry lesbian facial expression sorted." Auntie Meryl looked at me, frowned and adopted a strange sort of aggressive pout. "I've stopped shaving too," said Auntie Meryl, "It's like Santa's beard down there." "I don't need to know that," I bluntly said, "Auntie Meryl, none of this makes you a lesbian. You're just coming up with a load of offensive clichés and lesbian stereotypes. I don't believe you're a lesbian." "Well I am," said Auntie Meryl, "What will it take for you to believe me?" "I'll believe you if you get a girlfriend," I said. "OK," said Auntie Meryl, "I'll get a girlfriend." "Yeah right," I said, "I'll believe it when I see it. This is all a load of sh*t." "How would you know?" snapped Auntie Meryl, "You've never struggled to come to terms with your own sexuality." "Neither have you, you silly cow!" I loudly exclaimed. "Ask Roz to come and see me," said Auntie Meryl, "I need to make sure I'm doing this properly." I changed the subject and we talked about other things, but I just couldn't stop thinking about what Auntie Meryl had told me.

I told the others what Auntie Meryl had told me. Ash rolled his eyes and called her a silly old bat. Mum told me about the lesbian sexual experiences she'd had when she was younger and Roz, of course, got really offended but then she contradicted herself. "Don't get angry," I said, "She's an old woman. It's all a silly phase." "Actually Luke," said Roz, "Your Auntie might be a lesbian. Don't say it's a phase. When I came out my parents told me it was a phase. Maybe you should be less narrow minded and take your Auntie seriously." "Maybe I should take her to the nut house," I said, "She's not a lesbian." "Oh, yeah?" said Roz, "Like Caroline wasn't a lesbian? I remember you had a similar reaction to finding out about her." "I think you'll agree the circumstances were different," I said. "Whatever," said Roz, "For all you know Meryl might be gay and it might not be a phase. You're just coming across like someone who hates lesbians." "Oh Roz, shut up," I snapped, "Everyone in this room knows she's not a lesbian. You need to make your mind up. One minute you're in a mood with Auntie Meryl for becoming a lesbian and then you're in a mood with me for saying how stupid it is that's she's become a lesbian. If you want to speak to her about all this nonsense, do it. If not, then don't do it. I've got more important things to think about. Like sorting stuff out with Kyle." "That you've still done nothing about," said Roz.

Auntie's Meryl's news has taken up so much of my mental energy that I haven't thought about the up-and-coming meeting with Natasha or about the situation with Kyle. I did ask him how his counselling went today, and whilst I was happy that he didn't tell me to f*ck off, he said, "Like you care," and then walked off. I also haven't had any time to think about getting a Hello Kitty Sorry helium balloon or learning the words to Elton John's 'Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word' for Sci-Fi Cyn.

Tomorrow we're meeting with Natasha. Led by Blade, the steering group is going to officially respond to her stupid proposals. Hopefully this time tomorrow Natasha will get the message that her suggestions are f*cking stupid and that they're not going to happen.

I hope Antony isn't going to be there tomorrow. The two times that I've seen him I've completely embarrassed myself in front of him, and as I'm going to have to endure being in a room with the woman I went on a date with, and who subsequently made a fool of me, I'm going to be embarrassed enough.