Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 779: Wednesday 14th November 2018

Entry 779
Wednesday 14th November 2018

What a day! I mean, I thought yesterday was a nightmare, but I woke up to something today that I never expected to wake up too! I've had a patronising pep talk from Blade and a b*llocking from Mum.

I woke up and whilst I was pleased my nose was healing, and was nowhere near as bad as Tania's, the first thing that hit me in the face was the smell of cow sh*t. The house still stinks of it. I started opening all of the windows and then made my way downstairs where Ash was waiting for me by the bottom step. "Here you go," he said, handing me a cup of tea, "Although I think you'll need something stronger." "What do you mean?" I asked. "Well you might want to brace yourself," said Ash, "The house still stinks of cow sh*t by the way." Feeling confused and also intrigued, I finished my descent down the stairs and turned left into the kitchen doorway and gasped in horror. I'm surprised I didn't drop my cup of tea on the floor! I did not expect to see what was before me. Mum was stood in the kitchen wearing a skimpy nighty and a flimsy dressing gown. She was preparing breakfast; cracking eggs, chopping up some mushrooms, that sort of thing and she was giggling away as she sported a cheeky smile, and she was sporting a cheeky smile because there was a big, butch, muscular, hairy man wearing nothing but a pair of very tight white undies with his arms around Mum. It was Keith! KEITH! KEITH FROM THE FARM! They'd obviously spent the night together. I stood frozen to the spot in absolute silence as a look of absolute horror what plastered across my face. "WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON!?" I yelled. "Ah, morning sausage," said Mum, "How's your nose?" "Luke!" said Keith, with a smug but also casual grin on his face, "How's it going? Do you live here too?" "Oh, do you two know each other?" Mum asked us. "We work together on the farm don't we cowpat?" said Keith, "Well, we did, until you got sacked." "This is my son," Mum said to Keith. "Oh, small world," said Keith. Mia then appeared and stood alongside Ash in the kitchen doorway. "What's going on?" asked Mia, "And how come the house still smells of cow poo?" "THAT'S ONE OF THE W*NKERS THAT GOT ME SACKED!" I shouted, pointing at Keith. "Now, come on Luke," said Keith, "You can't blame me for getting sacked. You threw a disabled woman out of a wheelchair and broke her nose." "Well," I snapped, "First of all, A – She's not disabled. She can walk, but she just needs to use a chair sometimes, and B – I thought it was you sat in the chair and C – Of you hadn't have been such a pr*ck I wouldn't have done what I did and I'd still have a job and wouldn't have ended up being punched in the face." "He's never been good at fitting in," Mum said to Keith, "He was the same at school. The popular kids just didn't want to know." "How the f*ck would you know!?" I snapped at me, "You were too busy getting your snatch filled to notice!" "I did try and include him," Keith said to Mum, "You know; trying to have a laugh. Banter and all that. He didn't want to know." "You see sausage," Mum said to me, "It was banter. What did I tell you?" "Banter!?" I exclaimed, "Him and his mates threw me into a massive pile of cow sh*t!" "Yeah, I thought that's what that smell was," said Keith. "Sausage, I love you," said Mum, "And I love how sensitive you are, but sometimes you're a bit too sensitive." "Yeah, chill out Luke," said Keith, "We chuck all newbies into the cow sh*t. It's like an initiation process. Shows we like you." "Aaaw, they like you," Mum said to me, "Isn't that sweet?" "They made me walk home naked and covered in cow sh*t!" I yelled, "Why aren't you getting this!?" "Calm down, sausage," said Mum, "Boys will be boys." "What the f*ck is he doing here anyway!?" I yelled. "What do you think he's doing here?" said Mum, "He hasn't come around to sort out the old boiler." "Well that's what it looks like to me!" I exclaimed, "You two spent the night together didn't you!?" "Look, Luke," said Keith, as he turned and faced me to reveal the outline of his massive nob in his white underpants that were far too tight, "I'm sure we can be adults about this."  "Oh my God!" I exclaimed, extending my arms and holding my hands up, signalling that Keith needed to keep his distance, "Put some clothes on. I can see your penis!" "How can you?" said Keith, "I'm wearing pants." "You might as well not be," I bluntly said, "It's like you've spray-painted your crotch white." "Don't listen to him, love," Mum said to Keith, "He's always been uncomfortable with the human body." "No!" I loudly snapped, "I'm just uncomfortable with someone who looks like Hulk Hogan in a thong rubbing his crotch against my Mother's arse. Jesus!" "You need to be careful," Mia said to Keith, "Lynn's got eggs in her hands." "Yeah, well they're the only eggs she's got that Chewbacca has to worry about," I bluntly said, "She's about as fertile as Mother Teresa's corpse." "Well we're not interested in making babies," said Keith, "But we have fun trying don't we Lynny?" Keith put his arms around Mum, cuddled her, they both giggled and then started passionately kissing each other. He tightly grabbed Mum's underwear and she tightly grabbed his. "OH MY GOD STOP! JUST STOP!" I shouted, "For f*cks sake, Mum. Are you trying to put me in therapy for life?" "Oh, come on Keith," said Mum, "Let's go back upstairs. I don't think we're very welcome down here." Mum and Keith giggled as they made their way back upstairs. "Did you see the size of what he had in his pants?" said Mia, "I've never seen one that big before. If he put that in my foo foo I'd need an operation afterwards." "Well thank you for that Mia," I bluntly said, "That's very helpful. Do you know what? I'm going out for a walk. Look after Leo."

I went for a walk down by Cowes seafront thinking what a f*cking nightmare Mum was and hoping that this dalliance with her and Keith wasn't going to be a real thing. When I returned Blade was in the living room with Mum, Ash and Mia waiting for me. "Oh great!" I said, rolling my eyes, "Just as I thought this day couldn't get any worse." "Luke, just sit down," said Blade, "I think you know why I'm here." I sat down and gave my Mum an angry look. "Gone has he?" I said, "Your boyfriend." "Oh, Luke, don't be silly," said Mum, "He's not my boyfriend. Anyway, I'm sure My Blade doesn't want to hear about my sex life." "No one wants to hear about your sex life!" I snapped, "And no one wants to see Gorillas like Keith wearing nothing to but a pair of skin-tight pants pressed up against your arsehole. Especially me! YOUR SON!" "Luke," said Blade, "Can we get back to why I'm here." I told Mum that we were going to talk later on and then return to Blade. He'd come around to tell me off for "sabotaging" my workplace at the farm. He told me in a rather condescending tone how disappointed he was in me. I tried to explain things to him but he wasn't having any of it. "Luke," he firmly said, "I can accept that misunderstandings happen and I can accept that you're unlucky at a time, but after everything you've done at the farm, you can't expect me to think that all of it was down to misunderstandings and you being unlucky." I did my best to explain what happened at the farm and even though Blade wasn't happy he agreed that it would be best if I didn't return and that he tried to find me another job. "You need to work," said Blade. "I know," I snapped, "I want to work." "You need to contribute," said Blade. "I know!" I loudly said. "I hope this isn't some attempt to get out of work," said Blade. "It's not," I firmly said. "Well it better not be," said Blade. "I have a question," said Mia, slowly raising her hand. Blade and I stopped talking and looked sternly at Mia. "Is a stereotype, a type of stereo, or does it mean something else?" asked Mia. There was a slight pause. My stern expression became sterner. "What the f*ck has that got to do with anything!?" I loudly snapped. "What do you mean?" asked Mia. "That question has NOTHING to do with what we're talking about!" I snapped. "I know," said Mia, "Do all the questions need to be associated with the current subject?" Blade left saying that he'd be in touch when he'd decided what my new job would be and told me that tomorrow he'd arranged for Katie; the journalist from The Observer to interview me. I hope that goes well.

Before I see any journalist tomorrow, I'll certainly be having a few harsh words with Mum, who isn't here at the moment. She's gone out. I bet the old slapper is bouncing up and down on Keith's c*ck as we speak.