Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 778: Tuesday 13th November 2018

Entry 778
Tuesday 13th November 2018

Well it was another eventful day at work! I f*cking hate that farm! I hate the job, I hate the people, I hate the place, I hate the work, I hate EVERYTHING about it and I'm not going back!

When I arrived to start work, I saw three of the brutish farmhands stood outside the farmhouse, each having a fag; Jez, Baz and Keith – three butch guys who annoyed the hell out of me. The frustrating thing is that whilst part of me finds their loutish behaviour really irritating, another part of me (I'm embarrassed to say) wants them to accept me, so I can feel like a tough guy too. All three of them were wearing hoodies; Baz had a dark green hoody; Jez had a dark blue hoody and Keith had a black hoody on. "Oi, oi, oi," Baz said, "Here he is. The stud of the farm. The Isle of Wight love rat." "You could have helped out the other day," I bluntly said. "Yeah but it was more fun watching you squirm," said Jez. "Yeah, it were a proper laugh," said Keith. "Was." I bluntly said. "You what?" said Keith. "Was!" I firmly said, "It WAS a proper laugh." "Glad you agree," said Keith, "Nowt up with a bit of banter." "It wasn't banter," I snapped, "You lot chucked me under the bus," I snapped, "Making me look like a nob just so you lot could have a laugh. You know I weren't talking about Tania." "Wasn't," said Keith. I scowled at Keith. "Just chill out Luke," said Baz, "We're only having a laugh. We all know you're a proper stud." The three of them laughed. It was obvious they were taking the p*ss. "I am a stud actually," I bluntly said, "A proper stud. I've had sex loads of times, with loads of birds." "Yeah right," laughed Jez, "The only thing you've stuck your d*ck in is your own right hand." "Yeah," laughed Baz, "No bird's going to look twice at you." "Well actually, Aliyx fancies the arse off me," I said, "She got her t*ts out the other day and wanted me to milk her like a cow." "REALLY!?" said Keith, clearly disbelieving me, "And what did you do you bad boy?" "Nothing," I said, "I'm a gentleman." "OOOOOOW, you're gentleman, are you?" exclaimed Jez, "Sounds like you're a p*ssy to me. If a bird flashed me her fun bags, I'd be in there like a kid in a ball pool." "He didn't grab a feel because he sh*t himself," laughed Baz, "I bet he's still a virgin. He couldn't even manage to give Tania a good f*ck." "I could actually," I snapped, "If I wanted to shag Tania, then I'd shag her. I'd shag the living day lights out of her. I'd f*ck her so hard I'd make her f*cking wheels spin. She might struggle to walk now, but once I'd shagged her, she'd never be able to walk again." The three guys were trying to hide their laughter. I suddenly felt a feeling dread come over me. I turned around and was extremely embarrassed to discover an angry Tania stood in front of me looking very frustrated. She looked like she had a cold. I had no idea what to say. I was totally mortified. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. "I suppose you were speaking about a different Tania that time too, were you?" asked an angry Tania. "Tania..." I said. "No," she said, assertively interrupting me, "Don't say anything. Every time you speak you just make matters worse. You're a disgusting human being. Now get to work. That goes for the rest of you too!" Tania walked off, leaving me to vent my fury at Jez, Baz and Keith who found the whole thing hilarious. "You really are a bunch of f*cking pr*cks aren't you?" I said, "You knew she was there didn't you?" "Oh, Luke, mate," laughed Keith, "You are so funny. It's going to be a right laugh having you around." I stormed off leaving the three idiots laughing at yet another one of my embarrassing downfalls.

I spent most of the day decluttering the farm and filling bin bags with loads of unwanted clobber and clothes. Aliyx told me I could use one of Tania's old wheelchairs to transport the binbags from the farmhouse to the big skip that was outside, so I did as I was told. I was just glad Aliyx wasn't doing anything sexually inappropriate. "Aliyx," I said, "I don't think this job is working out you know?" "What do you mean?" asked Aliyx. "Well, Tania doesn't like me. I just keep putting my foot in it every time I see her. Jez, Baz and Keith don't like me and to be honest I feel very uncomfortable around you." I turned and looked at Aliyx and she had her t*ts out again. "Oh for God's sake!" I loudly exclaimed, "Stop getting your t*ts out. What's wrong with you?" "Well I just thought that a nice big pair of boobies might help you relax," said Aliyx. "No!" I exclaimed, "The very opposite. This is exactly what I'm talking about. You whipping your baps out every five minutes is what makes me feel uncomfortable - not comfortable! How would you feel if I just whipped my c*ck out?" "I would feel rather pleased," said Aliyx, "In fact I think I'd be quite amenable to the idea." "Well, I wouldn't!" I snapped, "Now put your bobs away! God!"