Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 781: Friday 16th November 2018

Entry 781
Friday 16th November 2018

Katie Shortman from the Observer came back today.

It did not go well. In fact, I'm still trying to recover.

There was a knock on the front door and when I answered I was surprised to find Katie stood there with a tentative smile on her face. She was holding her bag in one hand and was holding her Staffy: Cassie, who's front leg was in a little plater cast, in her arm. "Oh," I said, "I didn't expect to see you." "Can I come in?" she asked. "Err... Yeah," I said, feeling a bit confused and uncertain.

Katie entered the living room and she sat down with Cassie on her lap. "I didn't think I'd see you again," I said, "I feel really embarrassed about yesterday. I can't apologise enough." "No need," said Katie with a smile, "I'm the one that needs to apologise. I was rather rude, wasn't I?" I wasn't expecting that. "Well I did kick your dog across the room," I said. "Yes, but when I calmed down, I realised that it was all an unfortunate misunderstanding," said Katie, "I mean she does look like that stuffed toy, and there was no real harm done. The vet said she has a small fracture but that will heal in no time." "You're being very understanding," I said. "Well like I said," said Katie, "I was rather rude. I brought some chocolate fancies round to say sorry and I hope we can still do the interview for the Observer."

Katie placed a small flimsy card board box on the floor that contained a selection of chocolate fancies. As she waited in the living room with Cassie sat on her lap I went into the kitchen and made her a cup of tea. When I returned to the living room with the drinks, I discovered a small puddle on the laminated area near the front door. I looked at it and then looked over at Katie. "Oh, I'm so sorry," said Katie, "Cassie has done a little piddle. She gets excited when she goes to new places." "It's OK. I do the same," I sarcastically said. "Really?" said Katie, producing a pad and a pen from her bag, "Have you suffered with a weak bladder for long?" "Err... No," I said, "I... Oh, it doesn't matter. I can't really be mad at her after I threw her across the room, can I? If someone threw me across the room, I'd p*ss all over the floor." "Would you?" asked Katie, as she scribbled on her pad, "Is urinary incontinence something you've found hard to manage whilst surviving the outbreak?" "No," I said, "I..." "So, you've managed to cope with your incontinence problem whilst trying to stay alive on the mainland? Have you found incontinence pads to be helpful?" "No," I said, "I..." "So, you've managed without incontinence pads?" said Katie, interrupting me and again scribbling on her pad, "Impressive." I knew at that point that Katie was going to be one of those annoying journalists that exaggerated the truth and made any old sh*t up for a good story. "I'll get a mop," I bluntly said.

I walked to the far end of the kitchen where there's a long vertical cupboard where we keep the ironing board. It contains a load of other junk; a pack of dish cloths, a bunch of tea towels, some rusty plant pots and of course the mop and bucket. I grabbed hold of the handle and began to remove the mop from the cupboard when the mop head fell off and landed in all the junk at the bottom of the cupboard. There's so much cr*p in the cupboard, I couldn't see where the mop head landed but the mop head nozzle that the handle inserts into, is very distinctive. I saw the nozzle squashed between the tea towels and the dishcloths, so I rammed the handle back into the nozzle, attached the mop head and returned to the living room to clean up Cassie's p*ss.

"Like I say," I said to Katie, as I mopped up her dog's p*ss, "I'm really sorry about yesterday. It wasn't the best start to the day. My Mum stayed out and didn't say anything so I'm a bit annoyed. She can be a bit of a nightmare." "Oh, I know what it's like to have an embarrassing Mum," said Katie, "Mine gets right on my nerves. I do love winding her up though. It's only a bit of fun. Nothing wrong with a bit of a giggle is there? You should see me and my friends when we're out shopping. Anyway, let's get started. Come and sit your bottom next to me." Katie patted the sofa, indicating I should sit next to her. I returned the mop to the cupboard and when I returned to the living room, Katie gave me a sparkling smile and with her pen poised and note pad at the ready I sat next to her and she began the interview. It was VERY annoying.