Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 782: Saturday 17th November 2018

Entry 782
Saturday 17th November 2018

Still no sign of Mum, but on a more pressing matter I made the front page of the Isle of Wight newspaper. After yesterday's shenanigans with Katie and her dog Cassie, the annoying journalist didn't hold back.

When I woke up and entered the living room, I saw Mia looking slightly anxious and Ash looking rather frustrated. "Oh God," I said, rolling my eyes, "What now?" Ash abruptly handed me today's copy of the Observer. "Read that," he bluntly said. I retrieved the paper from Ash and looked at the headline. "The great frozen man," I said, reading the headline, "Put him back in the freezer... What the f*ck?" "It gets worse," Ash, firmly said. I continued to read the article. "He may have been cryogenically frozen for six weeks," I read, "But 45-year-old ageing Homosexual Liam who suffers from a variety of ailments now lives in Cowes with his Mother Lynne, who he describes as a nightmare and his boyfriend Ash... I'm not 45!" "Luke, I don't think you're focusing on the most appropriate part," said Ash. "F*ck off!" I loudly said, "Half of that sh*t is all wrong. I'm not 45, I'm not Homosexual and my name's not f*cking Liam." "AND I'm not your boyfriend," said a firm Ash, "Why the hell would she think that?" "Well I suppose I did say that you acted like my boyfriend," I said. "Oh, you idiot," said Ash, "You don't say that sort of sh*t to a journalist." "45!" I loudly said, "45! I am nowhere near 45." "How old are you?" asked Mia. There was a pause. "Let's just say late twenties to early thirties," I said. "If I knew a solicitor I'd sue. This is bang out of order." "Keep reading," said Ash, "It gets worse. I continued reading the article. "He may be used to surviving on the mainland by killing the infected and brutally murdering individuals in a way that Isle of Wight residents would find barbaric, but sex pest Liam, who suffers from a weak bladder and severe urinary incontinence, copes without incontinence pads and has developed deeply concerning behaviour since being released from the cryogenic freezers. Liam has developed an irrational fear of dogs which was evidenced after he not only recently ate the faeces of a Staffordshire Terrier, but also proceeded to insert a mop up it's rectum and clean the floor with it. It is perhaps disappointing that The Isle of Wight sadly no longer has an RSPCA. However, Liam has other behaviours that are a cause for concern. Shortly after being released from being frozen, Liam was dismissed from his job as a farm hand after violently assaulting a female farm hand and sexually harassing another. "I love big breasts actually," said Liam, "I can't get enough of them." .... Oh my God! She's twisted everything! This whole thing makes out I'm some sort of nutter." "Well your Mum won't be happy when she reads that and you've referred to her as a nightmare" said Ash, "Mind you, I'm not too thrilled about being called your boyfriend. Why didn't you say something to her." "I tried!" I loudly said, "Anyway, it doesn't matter what I said to her," I said, "Once I'd stuck a mop up her dog's arse and caused it to have a massive sh*t explosion, there was no way I was going to come off well in this article."

I carried on reading the article which gave details about why we were all frozen and why I was frozen for longer than the others. I carried on reading and saw a bit that really made me angry. "What the f*ck is this bit!?" I loudly snapped. I pointed to a section of the article and started to read it. "Liam's friend, 25-year-old TJ Hughes, says he has always tried to be a role model to Liam but said it's hard to help someone who has a penis that is smaller than the national average.... I'm going to f*cking kill that pr*ck!" "Keep reading," Ash, said in a nonchalant tone. "Two of Liam's friends commented on their time with him whilst trying to survive on the mainland. House mate Mia said she would always use her clunge to try and keep Liam safe, whilst Sainsbury's security guard Mike, said that since Liam's release from the cryogenics, he's used his knob to look after him." I closed my eyes and raised my head, hoping the ground would swallow me up. I turned to Mia and frowned. "You and your big mouth," I snapped. "What do you mean?" said Mia, "What have I done wrong?" At that point there was a knock at the door. "Oh, who the f*cking hell is this?" I snapped. I walked over to the door and opened it, which revealed TJ, stood on the door step, bent over in hysterics, clutching a copy of the paper in his hands. I gave TJ an evil stare as he stood in front of me crying with laughter. "You vicious little b*stard," I snapped. I grabbed hold of TJ and threw him into the living room. "Whoa, calm down, Nana," giggled TJ, "It's only a laugh." "Oh, it's a laugh, alright," I said, "You being 25. That's definitely a laugh." "Yeah but I look 25 and you look 45," giggled TJ, "That's why that b*tch printed it." "It's not funny TJ," I snapped, "I've got to live on this island. How would you like it if I told a newspaper you had a tiny c*ck?" "Well that would be a big bag of bullsh*t," said a cocky TJ, "I've got a c*ck like an elephant's trunk. You've got a cock like an elephant's eye lash." "Luke, why didn't you tell her to print the truth?" snapped Ash. "She has printed the truth," giggled TJ, pointing at the paper, "Everyone knows you tried to get a grope of Aliyx's baps down at the farm." "F*ck off," I snapped, "It wasn't like that and you know it." "Mind you," continued TJ, "I didn't know all this stuff about eating a dog turd and sticking a mop up a dog's arse. That is some special sh*t right there. If you pardon the pun." TJ burst into another fit of laughter. "This isn't funny," I snapped, "I could sue." "Not in this day and age, Luke," said Ash. "Why don't you ask her to print the truth?" asked Mia. "She won't listen to him," TJ said to Mia, "There's no regulating body for journalists to report to since the world went to sh*t. Anyway, come on Nana, tell us about this sh*t that you ate? Was it some sort of misunderstanding or did you just walk around the park someday, picking up poo 'cos you got peckish and fancied something different." "It was a misunderstanding," I snapped, "I thought it was a chocolate fancy from the bakery in Sainsbury's." TJ burst into laughter. "HAAAA!" he loudly howled, "What sort of c*ck eats dog sh*t thinking it's chocolate? God, Nana, you're a bell end. If I were you, I'd stay out of that journalist's way. This article sounds like she really hates you." "Well you didn't help did you?" I snapped. TJ walked up to me and put his arm around me. "Come on, Nana," he said, with a smug grin, "Uncle TJ will sort you out. I'll have a word with the old journo. Put her straight on a few things." "I don't trust a word you say," I angrily said. "I've got a way with female journalists," said TJ, "Me and Janet Street-Porter. Ooow. Back in the day all I had to do was give her a certain look and her skirt would be up to her belly button and her knickers would be around her ankles quicker than you could say Loose Women." "Oh TJ, shut up," I said. "It's true," said TJ, "She was one of three women I used to shag with Craig Cash, Ashton Kutcher and Nash Grier." "What are you on about?" asked Ash. "Well Craig Cash played Dave in the Royle Family," said TJ, "And Ashton Kutcher and Nash Grier are Hollywood actors. We used to meet up when I was working in Hollywood and we'd take it in turns to shag Janet Street-Poster. Craig was really impulsive, Ashton was always showing off about how much money he had and Nash always turned up p*ssed, but we still gave Janet a good seeing to. We called it the 'Rash Cash, Flash Ash, Smashed Nash, Gash Bash'." "Right, that's it," I bluntly said, "I'm taking Leo for a walk around a park." "Peckish for some poo?" giggled TJ. "F*ck. Off," I bluntly said.

I had a nice long walk around the park with Leo. I bumped into Sci-Fi Cyn and she asked how I was. Thankfully she was quite supportive about all the cr*p that Katie had printed about me in the paper. She's certainly different to the Sci-Fi Cyn I met in her bunker all that time ago.

In other news Blade came around to see me today. He didn't mention anything about the article in the Observer, from the look on his face and the tone in his voice it was obvious he knew about it, but as far as I was concerned, if he wasn't going to mention it, neither was I. Blade didn't stay long. He just came over to tell me that as things didn't work out at the farm, I had been allocated a new job; working as a sales assistant in Sainsbury's. GREAT! I annoyingly thought to myself. I don't have anything against working in a shop, but as Mike and Trudy work there I'm going to have to put up with a load of annoying cr*p; Trudy's boring anecdotes about her irritable bowels, bad back, aching joints and her sister's husband's brother-in-law's mechanic's auntie's milk man's mother-in-law's bunions, and Mike's inappropriate comments about his big knob.

Why is life such a b*tch to me. I sometimes think life was simpler when I was on the mainland being chased by the infected...