Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 892: Thursday 7th March 2019

Entry 892
Thursday 7th March 2019

I spent the day canvassing with Mike in Newport today. Awful! Just awful!

The day started with Mike and I going around houses in the Newport, knocking on doors, visiting houses and trying to drum up interest for the KISSS campaign. It wasn't a very positive or productive experience. We knocked on a sh*t load of doors and tried speaking to people but they just didn't seem interested. When we knocked on the first door Mike and I were very smiley, very positive and rather bright eyed and bushy tailed. By the time we knocked on the last door of the day we were both feeling rather depressed and deflated.

The first door we knocked was answered by a stern looking woman who had a face like slapped arse. "What do you want?" she bluntly asked. Mike and I gave the woman a smiley grin and I went straight into my script. "Good morning," I said, "My name is Luke Warm and this is Mike Hughes. We're here to talk to you about the KISS campaign. Kill Infected and Stay Safe. We're asking everyone to vote soon, and the choice is simple; choose to change things and go with the QCUC campaign that will endanger lives, or... vote for the KISS campaign that keeps everything as it is and maintains safety and security. I..." "Let me stop you right there" the woman bluntly said, interrupting me, "I could not give a flying f*ck about all this voting sh*t. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that Coronation Street isn't on anymore. I mean I've got a load of DVDs of old episodes but I've watched all of them ten times over. The last time I watched Corrie, Kylie Platt had been stabbed. What's David going to do now? I'll never find out because of this bl**dy apocalypse and all these infected taking over." "OK..." I said, "So you're not interested in voting for either party?" "Unless you've got a way of bringing Corrie back, I couldn't give a toss," said the woman. "What about a Corrie substitute?" said Mike. I turned and looked at Mike with confusion on my face. "What do you mean?" asked the woman. "Yeah," I said, with suspicion, "What DO you mean?" "Well" said Mike, "We know that people are missing their soaps, so if you vote for KISS, we're considering developing an alternative to Coronation Street." "Really?" said a cynically suspicious woman, "What's it called." Mike gave me a sideward look as a short silence lingered. "Detonation Street," said Mike, "Life on an island that was about to be detonated. We might be looking for actors. You could audition and be in it." With my back to the woman I gave Mike an expression of shock and disbelief. "That sounds great," said the woman with a smile on her face. "So, will you be voting KISS?" asked Mike as he handed the woman a leaflet. "I certainly will," she said, as she took the leaflet from Mike. She then said goodbye, closed the door and Mike and I walked back out on to the street. "There you go," Mike with a big dopy smile on his face, "Easy." "What do you mean, easy!?" I exclaimed, "We're not going to make a new soap opera." "Yeah but that silly cow doesn't know that does she?" said Mike, "I said we were considering it. So, we've considered it and we've decided not to bother." "Mike, we can't try and win this election thingy by cheating. We have to stick to the rules." "Don't be daft," said Mike, "Rules are made to be broken. If people didn't break rules then there wouldn't need to be anyone around to enforce them. Rule breakers keep the police in a job. Anyway, I don't think there's been much clarity on what the rules are." "I don't think Blade is going to be happy if he knows we're lying to get people on side," I said. "Look babes," Mike said to me, "Don't worry. What Blade doesn't know, won't hurt him." "Just let me do the talking," I said.

Mike and I went to the next house. We knocked on the door and another woman answered. She looked less stern that the other woman but more suspicious. She was an overweight woman who answered the door eating a cream cake. "Good morning," I cheerfully said, starting my script again, "You're the bloke that was frozen," said the woman, interrupting me. "Yes, that's right," I said, with smiley grin, thinking that I was about to score some brownie points. "You took a sh*t on my niece," the woman bluntly said. There was an awkward silence. "Well," I said, desperately trying to improve the uncomfortable situation, "That was a while ago and it was all a big misunderstanding." "You're disgusting," said the woman in a rather disapproving tone. "Oi, leave him alone you fat cow," snapped Mike, "When you've gotta go, you've gotta go. If you spent more time pushing food out of your arsehole instead of shoving it in your cakehole you might not be so fat." "Mike!" I gasped. The woman frowned and slammed the door. I closed my eyes and sighed in despair. "Dirty little piggy," said Mike, "Calling you disgusting. I should pour petrol threw her letter box and torch the f*cking house whilst the chubby tubby porker burns to death." "Mike," I bluntly said, "Did I, or did I not just tell you to let me do the talking?" "She called you disgusting!" exclaimed Mike. "So!" I snapped, "Just let me deal with it. We're not going to get any voters if you call people fat cows." "Well, you didn't get her to vote," said Mike. "Just PLEASE let me do the talking," I firmly said.