Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 757 to 956

Entry 826: Monday 31st December 2018

Entry 826
Monday 31st December 2018

I saw Auntie Meryl today. I love her but my God she gets on my nerves.

I went around to see her and when I knocked on the door, she yelled me to come in. I entered the living room where she was sat on the sofa half-way through some knitting, with a pile of out of date Bella magazines and completed puzzle books next to her. She had her broken foot in a pot, elevated on a small stool. "Look at this," she said, pointing to her pot, as she put her knitting down and picked up a crossword, "I've broken my foot. It was awful. I was trapped in this garage with that slut of a mother of yours when I dropped a box on my foot, I had to sleep in a rusty old garden chair, and to make it worse there was a dead body in there with us, and two others were outside trying to get in. Oh, you should have seen it." I stared at Auntie Meryl and frowned with extreme annoyance and confusion. "What are you talking about?" I exclaimed, "I was there!" "What are you talking about?" said a displeased Auntie Meryl. "I was there with you!" I loudly said, "I was the one who killed Tam." "Who?" asked Auntie Meryl. "The dead body that was on the floor; Tam!" I exclaimed. "No, the dead body was a fella," said Auntie Meryl, "You're getting confused." "No, you're the one getting confused," I said, "The dead body was Tam's. He was called Tam." "A man called Tam?" said Auntie Meryl, "Don't be silly. That's like having a woman being called John. Mind you my friend Betty Crack did go out with a man called Beverley once." "Anyway," I said, "How's your foot?" "Broken!" exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "Are you deaf!? I'm going to be hobbling around like this for weeks. We never got to have a Christmas get-together, did we?" "Well there'll be other Christmases," I said, "Anyway, we all went to the big gathering the other day and it looks like every house is going to get a walkie talkie." "What do I want a walkie talkie for?" asked Auntie Meryl. "It's going to help us communicate," I said. "What you on about?" said Auntie Meryl, "We're communicating right now." "No, I don't mean me and you, I mean communicating with other people," I said, "A bit like having a telephone. You could use the walkie talkie to chat to me whilst I'm at home and you're here." "What's a nine-letter word for swing or sway?" asked Auntie Meryl, looking at her crossword. "Are you listening to me?" I snapped. "Yes, yes, yes," said Auntie Meryl, "In a dismissive tone, "You've got a new walkie talkie or something. What do you call a baby elephant? It begins with a C." "Christ," I said, rolling my eyes. "No, that's not right," said Auntie Meryl, "It's only got four letters." "Listen," I firmly said, "You need to make sure you have a weapon on you all of the time." "Oh, Trudy said something about that," said Auntie Meryl, "I didn't know what she was going on about." "I just think we all need to carry weapons around with us, so we can protect ourselves from infected," I said, "We don't want to find ourselves suddenly faced with an infected and be un-armed, do we? Just make sure you always have a knife on you or something, and make sure Seth, Sci-Fi Cyn and Blade don't find out. We need to keep this from GRID people." "What's GRID people?" asked Auntie Meryl. "The Global Response to International Disaster," I said. "Is that like some Amnesty International thing?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Look, just make sure Seth, Cyn and Blade don't find out," I said. "What's Seth-Cyn-Blade?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Some fancy sort of knife?" "Auntie Meryl," I said, rolling my eyes, "You know what I'm talking about. Seth is Naomi's other half, Cyn is the woman who's into science fiction, and Blade is the head of safety and security. They all work for GRID." "GRID?" said Auntie Meryl, "Like the electric grid? A power grid? That sort of thing?" "No," I firmly said, "Oh, forget it. Look, just make sure you have a knife on you at all times." "What for?" asked Auntie Meryl. "God, I've just told you!" I loudly snapped. "OK, don't bite my head of," said a firm Auntie Meryl, "My memory is getting bad." "Oh, it's not that bad," I said. "What's not that bad?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Your memory!" I loudly said. "What about it?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Oh, forget it," I said, "Are you doing anything tonight for New Year?" "Oh, it's just another day to me," said Auntie Meryl, "I just need to remember to scribble out the eight and replace it with a nine when I'm writing dates. I was going to watch something on the telly, but it's broken." "What are you on about?" I said, "We don't have tellies." "We've got one in the kitchen," said Auntie Meryl, "It's next to the fridge. It doesn't work though. Every time I turn it on its stuck on this picture of pie. Must be some old cookery programme that's got stuck." I frowned with confusion and peered into the kitchen. "Auntie Meryl," I said, giving a tired sigh, "That's not a TV, it's a microwave." "What's a what?" Auntie Meryl asked. "Nothing," I said, "Anyway you've got stuff to keep yourself busy, haven't you?" "Yes," said Auntie Meryl, "I've got one of those iPad thingies over there, but that doesn't work either. It's just got a picture of Trudy and Primark on it." "An iPad?" I said, sounding confused. Auntie Meryl pointed towards the other sofa. I walked up and picked up what she was calling the iPad. "Auntie Meryl," I bluntly said, "This is a black photo frame with a picture of Trudy and Primark in it." I told Auntie Meryl that I could spend New Year with her, but she said she didn't want me getting under her feet whilst she was looking after Primark and trying to solve six down. Nice!

I'm laid in bed now. I can hear lots of noise emanating from the centre of Cowes at the moment. I guess there must be a New Year's Eve party happening somewhere. Maybe that's where Mum and Mia have gone? I asked Mia if she'd tell me anything about this plan, she has to deal with needing to get pregnant. She smiled at me, gave me a kiss on the head and told me not to worry. Strange. Ash is spending New Year with Naomi and Seth so I guess I'm here all on my own. Mike came around and said he wanted to spend some time with me, but I told him I wanted to be on my own. Mia and Mum also invited me out, but I suppose I wanted to spend the time to think about the year. This time last year we were in the B&B in the nudist's village. God, so much has changed since then. I've been in a fake town full of clones, been reunited with my ex-wife AND my Mum, been cryogenically frozen and become a Dad! I've been thinking a lot about Kyle. There are days when I don't think about him. I feel awful for saying that. It feels like I'm forgetting about him, and I don't want to forget about him. I haven't even got a picture of him...

Last year I said I hoped that 2018 would be better than 2017. I now hope 2019 will be better and less traumatic than 2018...