Never Leave Your Heart Alone

Chapter 52

Meredith lost her nerve. She had all intentions of talking to Derek about it. But when it came down to it, she didn't. Derek had gotten his paperwork in to the children services agency. They were awaiting the decision. The call. Meredith was in knots about it. It had been four days. Tomorrow was Friday, and she knew if they didn't get the call then, it wouldn't be until Monday. She didn't know if she could take going through a weekend without knowing.

"You picked at your dinner..." Derek said as he looked up from his book.

"I wasn't hungry." She said with a sigh. "I'm just not hungry."

"You need to eat. You look exhausted." He scolded. He went back to reading.

She looked over at Derek. He was deep in thought. She laid her head down softly on his lap. He looked down at her with a smile. She looked at his perfect face. It was just slightly weathered. She could tell he had been carrying around some extra baggage lately. It was more stress, and it was because of her. She looked at his eyes. They pulled her in like nothing she had ever felt. It almost scared her a little. And his hair. She loved running her fingers through his perfectly messy hair. Looking at him, she realized she loved him more than anything. It was intense, all consuming. She asked herself, how could she deny him children? And yet, she could.

"Derek?" She said as softly as she could. She almost hoped he didn't hear her.

"Hmm?" He asked distractedly.

"Why do you want kids?" She asked. It was a question she had never thought to ask him. It caught his attention immediately, and he sat his book down.

"Well." He started as he looked down at her. "You are everything I have ever wanted. Looking at you, I know this is what I am supposed to be doing. I never thought about kids. But with you, I do every day. I want a piece of you. I want a piece of us. I want to know what it feels like to hold my child for the first time. Something that was created out of the love we share. I want to be woken up in the middle of the night by a screaming child, only to have him or her quiet down the minute he or she is in my arms. I want to stare into the eyes of my child because they look just like her mother's. I want to read bedtime stories, and then come lay in bed next to the love of my life. I want to wake up to a bed full of kids on the weekends. I want you, Meredith. I want a piece of you." He said as he looked into her tear filled eyes.

"Derek..." She whimpered into his leg. He could feel the tears soaking though his pants.

"But, because I love you, I can live without all of that. As long as I have you, that's enough." He said as he leaned down and kissed her head. She took in a deep breath.

"I saw the books. I wasn't-Okay, yes I was. I was being nosy and I snooped. And I saw them, Derek. I saw the book. I saw the names. Elizabeth, Taylor-" She started.

"Delilah, Adam, Alana, Jackson..." He went on as he dropped his eyes.

"I saw it, Derek. I'm sorry. I didn't realize how much it meant to you. Maybe I did realize. I just didn't care. Or I was being selfish. Just- Don't give up on me, Derek. Right now, I am so stressed out. I'm an intern. I'm always tired. My brain in fried. I can't imagine growing a human inside of me. I can't imagine the late night feedings. I realize that Anna would be a lot of work. But a baby...our baby...that is something I do not want to screw up. A baby needs a mom who is completely focused. Give me time. Just-Don't count me out..." She said with a sigh. She felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of her shoulders.

"Thank you..." He whispered through a silent tear and a crackling voice.

"This doesn't mean I'm saying yes..." She clarified quickly.