sarah paulson one shots

there's no crowd when it's just us - mildred ratched

summary: all you wanted was to be out in that crowd, dancing with mildred but you couldn't. still, mildred made sure to dance with you, with or without a crowd.

warnings: none

word count: 1154

.   .   .

"We should be out there dancing together, just like every one of them" you looked over at Mildred who stood beside you, staring off into the crowd. "I know" she said, finally looking at you, making directed eye contact. It was silent for a moment were she was just observing your face "maybe one day" she spoke again. You knew there wouldn't be a one day, it would forever be like this.

"Mildred I-" you quieted yourself when you noticed Huck walk over to you both. Looking directly at Mildred he spoke "Mildred, can i have this dance?"

Jealously, anger grew inside you. You weren't mad at Huck, he was just being nice. You were mad at society and how it has to be like this. You wanted to dance and kiss in public, hold Mildreds hand in public, in this crowd but that wasn't accepted.

As she walked by you, she couldn't miss the expression on your face. She couldn't tell what you were feeling, if you were angry or upset with her but she knew you weren't yourself. If she was good at one thing, it was reading you like a book.

You stood there, watching all the couples dance, watching your Mildred dance with someone else. Each sway broke your heart more and more. You felt like a fool and just wanted to get away.

You quickly made your way to the bathroom, your head low as you watched your tears fall onto the floor. You wouldn't leave, you couldn't leave. Mildred wanted you to be here so you just couldn't bring yourself to run away like that. But still, you had to compose yourself before going back out there.

Usually you were fine whenever you couldn't hold Mildred hands when walking into a restaurant or give her a peck on the cheek just because you felt like it. Of course it always upset you but tonight it just hit you like a truck. And maybe it was because you knew that people didn't know Mildred was yours. When you saw Huck ask to dance with Mildred, it hit you that he didn't know that you've slow danced with Mildred in your living rooms, curtains closed for any nosy people to be blocked out, nobody knew.

You finally allowed tears to stream down your face as you locked yourself in the bathroom. Your chest heaved as the sobs took ahold of you. You felt like you were being so dramatic and foolish when their were much worse things that you could be crying over but Mildred was quite literally your world, she was the only person you wanted to be around and the only person that you could spend hours on end just talking about everything and nothing and you wanted to show her how grateful you were to have her, you wanted to hold her by the waist and sway side to side while the slow music played and the crowd just disappeared because Mildred was in front of you and she was the only one that mattered to you.

You sniffled, quickly wiping your tears on your sleeve when you heard a knock on the door. "Y/n?" Mildred sweet voice ran right to your ears. Of course she could notice you were missing, you were all that she was looking at over Hucks shoulder.

"Coming" You looked at yourself in the mirror, noticing how red your eyes were but you were unable to hide them. "Sorry" you said, opening the door and taking a deep breath, trying to act natural like you weren't just sobbing. "What's wrong" she reached up to cup your tear stained face. She was nervous, she couldn't help but believe that she was the one to cause you distress.

"Nothing, i'm perfectly fine" you gave her a smile for that extra reassurance but it was clearly not your regular happy smile that you always wear, this was not you. "I won't take that as an answer, y/n, tell me what's wrong" she was stern but only because she loved you and wanted to help you with whatever you were struggling with.

"Mildred" you sighed, your bottom lip trembling "i'm so tired of hiding us." It had even hurt your heart to say it because you shouldn't have to say it, you shouldn't have to hide your relationship.

She came closer to you, almost pressing her body against yours. Her arms wrapped around your waist, you felt so safe and secure. "I wish i could show you off to everyone sweetheart" she moved your hair that stuck to your face from the tears, away "i want everyone to know that you're mine." Although her words were sweet and meant more to you than the roof over your head, you were still heart broken that you couldn't even show the world a simple hand hold.

The room fell silent and thank god for the moonlight that shined through the window, allowing you to see your beautiful lovers face. She wore a smile as she looked at you, whenever looking away, it would disappear. "I wish people could know. I wish we could be out there on the floor like everyone else" you sighed, feeling defeated by society. You looked down, too ashamed that you couldn't do anything about it. "Now you listen to me" she carefully grabbed your chin, grabbing your attention "we don't need a crowd to tell us how much we love each other" suddenly your heart felt all warm and fuzzy, you kept trying to push down a smile but it came right back up.

"I know, i know, it's just-" she quickly shushed you. Confused, you stitched your eyebrows together "do you hear that?" you looked at her like she was going insane "um what?" her wandering eyes landed back to you "i can hear the music from here" before you could even response and question her, she already had one hand on yours and the other around your waist.

"Mildred" the tears built up in your eyes again as she began to sway you both side to side "shh baby, just dance" you beamed at her once again before resting your head on her shoulder, letting her guiding you both.

You closed your eyes, allowing Mildreds love and affection to consume you. She always knew how to make you feel amazing, that was one of the things you loved about her.

She may have been swaying to the music that you could hardly hear but you were swaying to the rhythm of her heartbeat. "I love you so much Mildred" you whispered in her ear, where only she could hear "i love you so much as well sweetheart."