Gabriella's Daily Diary

Day 22

Date: 9.10.21

Joke: What do you call a penguin in a desert? Lost!

Quote: "If it's all a dream, don't wake up, 'Cause I got your body right here next to me, Just wait up, Gotta check myself 'cause I just can't believe" - Unbelievable by Why Don't We

Summary:
It was an okay day, pretty chill. This morning, as you could probably tell from "yesterday's" diary entry, was kinda meh because I was having deep thoughts. I was up at 8:20, which is pretty good for a weekend morning. It's one of my earliest weekend mornings. I have been in the mood where I know I have earned a lazy day but I still want to get stuff done, you know, so it was a tough emotional day, I guess.

I had to pack up so we could go up to our lake house for fall break, then I Brainstormed ideas for my chem project for mole day. Basically we have to come up with something that has a mole pun then make either a model/display for it. My top pics right now are:
-Cruella de Mole
-Mole-io Kart
-Mole Direction
-The Little Mole-Maid
-Mole-craft (Minecraft but for moles)

Idk which to do, so lemme know! (I think doing mole direction would be awesome but I don't want to totally ruin it by getting something wrong, you know? Plus it would take longer than anything else... and idk if I would want to turn it in cause it would be a work of art. idk, lemme know!)

Next I reorganized our art cabinet because it gets messy really fast. It was really relaxing, and enjoyable. I wish I got a pic because I know it won't stay that neat.

Then I chilled and read Popstar fiancé all the way to chap 49 (the most updated version)... lots of reading. Then I made chocolate supreme brownies and ate one with raspberry ice cream, it was amazayn. Then I chilled with my bros. One of them joined a FaceTime with a whole bunch of friends, and as an older sister, it was my job to embarrass him so I did! 😋

And that's about it, and now I feel bad for not doing anything. Here, let's talk about one of my deep thoughts I've had repeatedly the last night or two.

So you know how I'm 'obsessed' with one direction and all of their solo and such? I just have realized that they are 28-30 year old men who do not know that I exist, and are probably confused at why I am obsessed with their daily life because they are normal people. Then I start feeling guilty for being obsessed but then it hits me. I like them because they give me hope for my life. Their lives look 'perfect' even though I know they aren't. It's just confusing. They make me actually happy, so I follow them to find that joy, I guess, but now I have a seedling of guilt for being happy which kinda ruins it.

I also have been thinking about my friendship with my best friend. She wants to live in a van and travel the USA and rock climb everywhere. And I would love to go with her. But I want to go to the UK for Uni, so then when we watched Evan Hansen, I suggested we go around Europe in a van and see everything and climb everywhere over there. She sounded super excited then realized, we couldn't have a van over there, cause the van she gets here can't drive to Europe. Then I said, well we can drive though, I'll have a van in the UK and we can go to Europe from there. Then there was a subject change for some reason. It just kinda hurts me because I would love to travel and have fun with my friend but I also want to go live my own independent life. I just think having a friend going with me would make it a little bit easier. It just is annoying too because she knows exactly what she wants to do. She wants to be a high school math teacher. I don't know what I want to do yet. And it bothers me for some reason. I try to figure it out, but I can't. I haven't experienced enough yet. Then I try to plan times to experience these things then realize i don't have the time to.

I'm just emotionally stressed and I hate feeling this way. I need to cry to get it out but the tears don't come. And it just hurts my heart more that I can't cry it out. Then I think even sadder thoughts like losing my friends and family and being abandoned, and not knowing what do to, being helpless basically. It scares me more, then I have to curl up hugging one of my 'emotional support' stuffed animals that helps me feel better. Then I fall asleep cause I'm exhausted.

Another part of it is I want to have someone I trust enough to tell all this stuff and cry in front of and who understands it all, like all the romance books I read. But I can't actually fathom it in real life. Hence the cupioromantic. I really really really love love the idea of having a partner who understands and is there for me, even just a super close friend, but I don't think it could work in real life.

I just need to be doing stuff to keep it at bay. This will be hard because it's fall break when I don't have anything to do. I'd love to talk with some friends but the only one I really enjoy talking to is my best friend who is on a camping trip. And I don't really want to talk to her. I could talk to one of my friend boys but I don't know how much we could talk about. We don't have a whole bunch in common, sooo... I have to come up with projects I need to do... I can do my mole project plus I've still got math I can do.

If you have any ideas, like an artwork prompt or something, please tell me! I need to escape from these negative thoughts!

I am kinda depressed now, but maybe I'll work on 8909 and have an update later tonight or tomorrow for you guys if you wanna read it. It's a dystopian book I'm writing.

Thanks for reading